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Sucking Big Giant Rocks

2007-09-30

I'm experiencing serious aggression right now.  I want to beat the hell out of something or someone.  I quit smoking a couple of days ago and the withdrawal symptoms should be easing, but I'm not feeling it right now.  Perhaps because there's so much other tension going on in my life.  Perhaps it's because nobody is walking on eggshells around me because nobody around me even knew how much I smoked or how long I've been smoking.  That's right, I've had to hide it like some kind of f*cking criminal.  I don't think smoking is a good thing or that any kid should grow up thinking it's cool, fun, or desirable.  People do it, nonetheless.  I've sheltered my kids from my habit.  I've never intentionally smoked in front of them, though I think my son has caught me doing it at least a couple of times.  I don't smoke in the house, in my car (usually), or around small children if I can help it.  I don't smoke in daylight where my kids can see me.  How's that for being in the closet on something??  So, I've gone to great lengths to hide my addiction.  The Bishop knew I smoked and encouraged me to quit for awhile.  I wanted to quit because I wanted him to want me.  I wanted to drive him to distraction and impeccable personal hygeine goes a long way towards that sort of endeavor.  He smelled divine and I wanted him to think that about me.

None of this has anything to do with anything else, except that I'm pissed off.  I'm pissed off that the instructions on the recipe I used to make dinner wer flawed.  I'm pissed off that I don't want to smoke, but I don't want to quit either.  I'm pissed off that I can't just make major life changes on a whim.  I'm pissed off that I'm sexually frustrated.  I'm pissed off at the world and at myself.  I know it'll pass, but it doesn't help a whole lot when I'm beating the crap out of my fingertips and my keyboard because it's the only outlet I have for my current aggression.

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Church Humor

2007-09-27

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.  After mass, he asked the monsignor how he had done.  The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass.  If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."

The next Sunday, the new priest took the monsignor's advice.  At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.  He proceeded to talk up a storm.  Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following not on the door:

  1. Sip the vodka, don't gulp.
  2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
  3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
  4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
  5. Jacob wagered his donkey - he did not bet his ass.
  6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as "The Late J. C."
  7. The Father, Son, and Holy Spirit are not referred to as Daddy, Junior, and the Spook.
  8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the [feces] out of him.
  9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, we do not say he was stoned off his ass.
  10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T".
  11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper, he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body."  He did not say, "Eat me."
  12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry".
  13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yay God.
  14. Next Sunday, there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's - not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's!

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Book Hunting

2007-09-25

My counselor recommended that I read a couple of books today, so I trekked on over to Barnes & Noble to see what I could see.  I found the books I was looking for and realized that they were in the Relationship section, which happens to be right across the aisle from the Sex section.  There was an older gentleman perusing that particular section.  When he realized I was looking at him, he moved on down the line.  Ever curious, I wanted to see what he'd been looking at.  I picked up a comprehensive photo guide to the Kama Sutra.  It pretty much covered everything.  Meanwhile, the guy who'd been browsing the section was watching me look at it.  I'm not quite sure what he thought, but he didn't say anything to me, so I just kept thumbing through the book.  When I was finished, I noticed another book with a similar title.  At first, I thought, I really hate it when they mess with the spelling of common words - like "nite" instead of "night".  Still, I picked it up and looked at it.

A couple of pages in, I realized the spelling change was intentional and actually quite clever.  I also realized I've been going about the whole car shopping thing completely wrong. 

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Reading

2007-09-24

I just read the saddest, most amazing book.  I cried at the end - as much for the course of events in the book as for the course of events in my life.  That's the mark of a good book, really.  The ability to believe that the events in a story are real.  The characters are genuine - real people trying to make it through the day, like anyone else, with the tendency to drag you right along with them because their stories are both engaging and approachable.  I know it was a good book because I can't just rattle off my conclusions.  It's the kind of book I'd want to read with my friend Pat because it's the kind of thought-provoking book we'd be likely to discuss for hours together in varying states of sobriety.  In the end, we still might not be able to put a coherent voice to our conclusions, but the process would be indescribably rewarding.  I normally prefer a book that neatly wraps up the details of the main story, but there are times when being left to wonder is a much better way to end it.  This was one of those books.  You can imagine several possible outcomes and you'd be satisfied with any number of them, but the end really wasn't the point.  The thing I liked best was that the main character's pivotal defining moment in life served as a jumping-off place for more questions, rather than providing the answers to life, the universe, and everything.  That's how I feel about my own life right now.  Lots of unanswered questions, yet I somehow know I'm better off now than I was several months ago.  Maybe the path isn't totally clear, but at the very least, I'm learning things about myself and other people that I just didn't know before.

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Sentimental

2007-09-24

I thought I was doing so grand and then it hit me yet again.  A friend called to tell me she'd seen the Bishop and his wife the other night when they were out to dinner.  It sucked to hear that.  I expected his life would just go on as it always had, but I still feel a tugging when I hear that it has.  Maybe I should be glad he's out with his wife instead of with someone new.  Maybe he meant what he said when he told me he loved me and that there would never be anyone else.  I don't know why any of it even matters anymore.  Perhaps the little stabbing pain I felt upon hearing about him was nothing - just a leftover remnant.  Oh please!  Who am I kidding? 

I wanted him to love me.  I still want him to love me.  I want to know I made a difference in his life - a lasting impression.  I don't want his life to really ever be the same because mine never will be.  I haven't come all the way out of the depression.  I haven't even been all the way through the process of dealing with the loss.  Part of me - the irrational part that responds with protests of pain over hearing that he's out and about - says that he's still alive and kicking, so there's still a chance I could be with him.  I don't know what that part is all about.  I guess not everything has to make sense.  I just don't want it taking over to the point where I get back to moping.  Might be good for the Bishop's ego to know I'm still that affected, but it wouldn't be good for me to go through it all again.  There are still plenty enough times when I wish he'd call and tell me it isn't easy.  I don't need him to tell me he wants me back - just that it's no easier for him to get over me than it is for me to get over him.

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Chicago...

2007-09-23

...was amazing.  I went to the top of the Sears Tower.  I told my son and he said, "You mean the woman who's afraid of heights even when she's watching a movie went up to the top of the Sears Tower??".  It's true, I'm terrified of heights.  I'm really proud of myself for going through with the experience!

 

 

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It's Not My Birthday

2007-09-18

Happy Birthday Bishop.  I still think about you.  I still care about you.  I still love you.  Part of me always will.  It's been the strangest (and hardest) year.  A year ago today, I had an appointment with you in your office.  You were stressing about being a whole year older.  You were as baffled as anyone else at how your age didn't seem to match up with the image you had of yourself.  I wanted to communicate to you that I didn't think the number mattered nearly as much as the man.  We hugged at the end of the appointment, like always.  While you had your arms around me, I whispered in your ear, "You're not a whole year older - only a single day."  My lips brushed against your ear and my hands were positioned so that my fingers were touching the nape of your neck right at the hairline.  I wanted so badly to ask your permission to give you a birthday kiss.  

I chickened out of kissing you on your birthday, but it was only a couple of weeks before our relationship changed.  I still remember your kisses.  How your arms felt around me, looking into your eyes, the way you smell.  I remember your laugh and the way your eyes would crinkle when you were teasing me.  Today, I'll be sitting in a different counselor's office.  I'm sure we'll be talking about you.  I wonder what you'll be thinking about today. 

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I Want It All Back

2007-09-15

When did I become an adult?  When did I realize that my decisions have consequences?  When did I begin to take responsibility for those decision/consequences and try to do better?  The better question - the question of the day is When did I take on other people's responsibilities in addition to my own?

I know that my children have to be a priority.  I know that they didn't ask to be born into the family they're in and I accept that their needs have to be considered in every decision I make.  In fact, I fully embrace that.  I love those little buggers, warts and all, and I want the absolute best for them.  At the same time, I want it all back.  I want to go pick out a car because it's pretty and I'll look hot behind the wheel.  I want to drive fast, live carefree, and regret what I did instead of what I didn't do.  Stupid, childish, selfish.  I can't have it back.  I don't suppose I'd do a whole lot any different if I did.

I'm in a rather morose mood and I'm quite tired of it.  I'm tired of waking up well, tired.  What happened to the days of waking up content and ready to face the day?  I've never been a morning person and have always had to claw my way to consciousness, but there were plenty of times where it was completely worth it.  Times when being awake was a good thing.  Now, although there are some remarkable bright spots in my day (kids, friends, etc.), I'm not feeling much in the way of gratitude for having my sleep interrupted.  Quite the opposite.  I feel like there's some giant hand pressing down on me.  I feel the pressure increase as the day wears on.  I was sitting in a dealership earlier checking out new cars and the only thing I could think about was crawling back into bed.  I'm not myself.  I'm not any fun.

Asking for fun is asking for a lot these days.  I can smile and laugh with my kids, on the phone with friends (or in their presence as often as possible), but coming "home" has become so oppressive that I'd rather skip it altogether.  I'm stressed about the finals coming up on Monday night - not so much about Math, but certainly about Anatomy & Physiology.  I want to do well.  I don't just want to accept the fact that I'll probably end up with a "B" instead of an "A".  I know it doesn't sound that bad, but I think about how far downhill my life has gone since July when I started classes.  My attitude has declined right along with the circumstances.  What's it all for anyway?  People keep asking me how I'm doing.  How do I answer that question?  I'm not fine.  I'm not particularly happy.  I'm not even sure half of the people asking really care.

All of this is just words spewing forth filling up the page in an attempt to avoid what I want to do - what I think is right.  My husband put the divorce on hold.  Why?  Because he loves me and wants to live out the rest of his days with me?  No.  Because the lawyer said it would be expensive and he wouldn't get the kind of custody agreement he'd envisioned.  He says he ended the relationship with his girlfriend.  Why?  Because he knows it was wrong and is so utterly sorry for what he's done?  No.  It's because she has a kid and he doesn't want to play step-dad to him.  Lies, lies, and more lies.  I'm a bad Christian and a bad wife because I now want the divorce.  I want to be done with the lies and the verbal abuse.  I want to be done with the accusations, the depression, the hideous miserable existence my life has become.  How much is enough?  How much do I have to take before it's OK to move on?  Is this the kind of suffering I'm supposed endure for the rest of my life?  If I hear one more person tell me that God hates divorce, I'm going to scream in their face, "Doesn't He hate liars and adulterers and cruel, self-absorbed, hypocrites, too?  Doesn't He forgive?  Does He really make you pay for your sins the rest of your life?"

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Uncharacteristically Silent

2007-09-15

I've been neglecting my blog and those of others because I've spent way too much time on the phone recently.  Dealing with insurance companies SUCKS!  I don't want to buy a car.  I don't have time to buy a car.  I hate buying them under any circumstances, but especially when I don't have the leisure time to devote to research and negotiating.  I feel completely ill-suited to the whole experience.  As pathetic as it sounds, I want a man to go with me!  It would help with negotiations, but it could also be lots of fun.

See, if I had a man with me, we could do crazy things like climb in the trunk and take pictures, or test out the size of each of the seats to see if they can accomodate two people at once, or have bizarre conversations during the test-drive phase when the salesman is in the car with us.  Take a tape measurer along and maybe a body bag - all kinds of creative things to leave an impression that would ensure they'd make a deal with us just to get us out of there.  I guess I should just be grateful they all seem to do CarFax reports now.

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Relationships Based On Lies

2007-09-10

I loved the Bishop.  Of that I'm certain, but as much as I loved him, I loved the idea of him.  A big, strong, virile man who listened and communicated with me on an intimate level.  Still, what I found most attractive about him (integrity, kindness, Godliness) was sullied when we crossed the line into that intimate wrong relationship.  I've been thinking about what it means to be a "nice" person because that's how my husband is describing his new girlfriend.  If actions speak louder than words, then I should consider the actions.

I'm not a nice person - at least I certainly haven't been in the past.  Nice people don't have affairs.  Nice people learn to deal with their marital problems head-on instead of finding someone else to meet their needs.  I can honestly say I tried that route.  I tried to meet my husband's needs.  I tried to express my needs to him as best I could.  He avoided the issue as much as possible.  He turned it around and made me feel defective for having needs that went beyond what he was comfortable or capable of giving.  I turned to someone else to fill my needs instead of persisting with my husband.  Maybe I figured it was pointless to try to squeeze blood from a turnip and unconsciously decided to take what I could get to get me through.  I can't say I really gave much consideration to the outcome of my relationship with the Bishop.  I accepted the fact that we were both married, so we'd never have a future together.  I didn't think too far past the moment I was in.  That's not a nice way to behave. 

Some would say, "What's the big deal as long as nobody gets hurt?  It happens more than you think.  Marriage is an unnatural institution.  People can't be expected to remain faithful and love each other their whole life."  That's a pretty fabulous justification.  The problem is that people who are physically intimate often times also share an emotional intimacy.  As that grows, it changes other relationships.  It diminishes a person's motivation to repair their damaged marriage.  It draws them even further away from their spouse.  As a friend told me, the secrets pile up and serve as a wall between spouses.  I saw it happen with the Bishop.  His marriage was suffering as he was spending more and more time with me.  The stronger his feelings for me got, the less inclined he was to put effort into loving his wife.  He still followed his usual patterns, but his heart wasn't in it.  I was already pretty withdrawn from my husband.  Years of conditioning taught me that protecting myself was preferable to his numberous forms of emotional rejection.  That doesn't justify my actions - merely explains them.  Still, I readily admit that the Bishop and I weren't being "nice" in any way shape or form, even if spending time together felt really good.  Our actions were hurtful to other people even before they were revealed to those people.

I've come to terms with that as best I can.  I want to be more than nice.  I want to be kind and trustworthy and honest and live in such a way that there's nothing in my life that has to be hidden.  Keeping secrets is exhausting and miserable.  Love is something that should be celebrated, not shamefully hidden away.  If you find you need to hide things, it usually means that something is wrong (unless it's a birthday present). 

So, is this new girlfriend nice?  I'm skeptical.  I'm sure she's been very nice to him and listened and offered much sympathy.  To what end?  Because she's so selfless?  Hmmm.....she wants them to move in together.  She wants him to be with her.  He's made a commitment and countless assertions that he's trying to make his marriage work (at least to me and in front of witnesses), yet he's also been involved with her.  She hasn't discouraged their involvement or insisted that he follow through on ending his marriage before he takes up with her.  Why not?  Because he might change his mind if she doesn't give him what he wants (and claims to need as a matter of life and death).  If she has more to offer and if he really loves her, wouldn't their relationship wait until after his divorce is final.  For that matter, why would she place her trust in this relationship with him knowing that he's sneaking around in order to have it?

I know, I know.  Single mother.  Starved for affection.  Thinks his wife (of nearly 13 years) is a fool for not seeing how great he is and for not appreciating him.  She can love him so much better.  She's got one side of the story.  What about the other side?  Does she really think that one person shoulders all of the blame for a dying marriage?  And what about a man who bails when the going gets tough?  I admit, this is one of the toughest things to put a marriage through, but he's now saying he never should've married me in the first place.  Funny, he said that about his first wife too.  So, he has a history of jumping into relationships without really knowing the person.  He's not even through his divorce and is already "in love" with someone else.  If what he says is true, he's only been with her in this relationship for a couple of months.  I wonder if she realizes he proposed to me after only having been with me a month.  I wonder why that is?  Could it be that he can't be alone - codependent perhaps?  That it doesn't really matter to him who the person is as long as there's someone beside him?

Yes, I'm angry and bitter.  Yes, I want his relationship with her to fail.  For that matter, I wouldn't mind if he drove off a cliff right about now.  I admit death would be a lot easier to face than divorce.  I also admit, yet again, that I was an equal contributer in the demise of our marriage.  I withdrew.  I didn't stand up for myself.  I didn't put up boundaries.  I didn't see him for who he was - just that he was the father of my child and he was willing to take responsibility for us.  I didn't have a clue what a marriage was supposed to be.  I didn't know what I was supposed to ask for.  I was 19.  I also didn't understand that he wasn't telling the truth about why his first marriage failed.  I didn't understand that he was codependant.  I didn't know I had options.  All I knew was that I was facing the biggest, scariest thing I'd ever faced and I didn't want to do it alone.  What happened after the wedding was pathetic. 

Take an immature 19-yr-old girl who didn't know the first thing about babies and give her one to take home after a long and difficult pregnancy.  Add to the fact that she's now going to be a stay-at-home mom in a new city (we moved when I was 5 months pregnant) with no friends and no support system.  Mix in the guy:  a 27-yr-old man who's divorce wasn't final and who was out of a steady job for several months.  Move them to a new city in order to follow a job and see how they do.  He works a lot of hours at a company where he's hard to reach at times.  She's confined to bedrest due to complications, so she's gaining weight at an astronomical rate.  She has no idea what being a mother is going to be like.  She's ashamed for being pregnant and not married.  They can't even get married before the baby comes because his divorce isn't yet final.

Wow, looking back, it's amazing we made it as long as we did.  We didn't have a great start, but we really tried to make the best of it and be responsible parents.  Maybe the feeling of love wasn't there, but the action sure was.  Neither of us was really equipped to be a parent.  Neither of us was a good candidate to enter into a marriage.  We pushed through some really tough times.  I know I battled lonliness, depression, insecurity, and a whole host of other things at the time.  I made it through with my sanity relatively intact, though it was questionable when I started out.  I'd nearly forgotten how much I went through that first couple of years.  It's remarkably similar to what's happening now.

I moved to Des Moines with my husband because our relationship was extremely tenuous.  I'm hurting and lonely here and being asked to do seemingly impossible things.  When we moved to Sioux City, he moved us into a dump because he said we didn't have time to look for something better.  That's about how the move went this time, too.  The place we're living isn't what I'd have chosen.  I feel trapped and isolated, just like I did back then.  I made friends, though it took a long time.  I found my place there and made it a home.  Maybe I can do that here, too.  I have to stop waiting to see how this relationship is going to play out and just start being myself.  My circumstances aren't ideal, but I'm an older, stronger version of the person who overcame so many obstacles in moving to Sioux City.  There's something to think about.   

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Been Awhile

2007-09-04

It's been awhile.  I don't know if I'll keep posting here after this one.  I'm pretty sure I'm heading for divorce court.  Maybe that will be the final punctuation on this time period in my life.  I love my kids and I desperately want the best for them.  I hope anyone who's reading will pray for them.  This experience hasn't been a total loss.  I've learned a lot about myself - about what I believe and what I'm willing to accept in my life.  I've learned so much about faith and how it fits into my life.  I've made some awesome friends online and I've needed all of you.  Your feedback and comments have helped me see things from different angles and you've been a tremendous source of support.  This isn't the end of my life.  It just ends a hope and a dream.  It's sad.  It hurts to think I couldn't make the marriage work.  It was crazy to think I could do it all by myself anyway.

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