[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Happy Halloween!
2007-10-31
I was just reading another post and the accompanying comments about Halloween and it got me thinking about why I celebrate this particular holiday, knowing full well that it has pagan roots. For a long time, I wasn't able to celebrate. I was involved in an Assemblies of God church and they frowned on it. OK, that was an understatement. I used to volunteer in the church office. My job was to publish the church's bulletin every week. I was supposed to get the pastor's approval before it was actually printed - partly because he was a control freak and partly because the church didn't have the extra money to reprint in case there was a mistake (which there rarely was, due largely to spell check). As with everything, I went over and above the call of duty. I started adding clipart and playing with fonts, just to give some visual interest. One week in October, I added a jack-o-lantern to one of the announcements. It happened to be a week where I was running behind and didn't get the pastor's approval before printing.
By the time he saw what I had done, it was already too late to fix it. He was nearly in hysterics by the time he approached me about the infraction. In my defense, I didn't understand what the big deal was. I had no idea at the time about Halloween's pagan roots - probably because I wasn't a pagan myself. Fortunately, the pastor gave me a chance to explain myself before he went off on me too badly. He told me a little about his understanding of paganism and went on to say that there were some older people in the church who had raked him over the coals for allowing Halloween to even be acknowledged, let alone celebrated. He was clever enough to turn my naive mistake into a "teaching moment" for the congregation. His sermon that morning became a history lesson on Halloween, as well as an explaination and apology for the mix-up in the bulletin. The lesson stayed with me for a long time - long enough to think it through on my own.
My husband is a staunch Southern Baptist. He was raised that way and fully buys into just about everything they teach. He's also of the mind that we do not celebrate Halloween. Funny, though, that the church happens to have a fall party, complete with costumes, on Halloween night every year. Usually it's called something like a "Harvest Festival" or "Hallelujah Party". I understand where they're coming from - it placates the people in the church who want their kids to be able to dress up in costume and get candy just like they did when they were little (and like the kids' friends do), it provides a safe place for kids to "trick-or-treat" - which is an important thing in today's social climate, and it gives the church an opportunity to "reach the lost". I have no objections, though there is something missing with those events - the interaction with kids in their communities.
That became apparent to me last night. In Des Moines, trick-or-treating happens on the 30th under the name of Beggar's Night. I think it has a lot to do with the fact that churches planned their parties on Halloween, so nobody was taking their kids out anymore. For the first time in years, I took my kids out trick-or-treating - much to my husband's chagrine. I had a marvelous time with the kids - I even dressed in costume myself. I managed to find enough stuff in my own closet to put together a gypsy costume and had a great bonding time with my daughter while we played dress-up. She ended up in a princess costume and my son wore his wizard robes, complete with a staff that a friend helped me put together at the last minute. We went door-to-door in our neighborhood. It was a lovely evening. Warm temperatures, leaves on the ground, the distinct aroma of wood burning in someone's fireplace, and all of the amazing decorations people had taken time to put up. We went out after dark, adding to the excitement for my kids.
Our neighborhood up is populated mostly by older people, so there weren't a huge number of kids out. The people who answered the door honestly expected my kids to perform a trick or tell a joke if they expected to get a treat - something I'd forgotten to prepare them for, yet found really amusing because it meant my kids had the opportunity to think on their feet and blurt out whatever came into their heads. Given how imaginative my kids are, that can either be highly embarrassing or immensely entertaining. My daughter was kind of bratty about it at a couple of houses until I explained to her that she needed to play along or we'd be heading home. She had to sing a song at one house to get her treat. The lady wouldn't budge on that requirement and I'm glad. We had a great time meeting the neighbors and I know the neighbors enjoyed seeing the kids in costume. There was even an ambulance driving around handing out glow-in-the-dark necklaces for the kids to put on for added safety. So what if the kids got candy for their trouble? So what if there were "scary" decorations and jack-o-lanterns. All my kids took home from the experience is that our neighbors are really nice and it was great fun to dress up in costume and go for a walk at night.
So why do I celebrate Halloween? Because it offers me the opportunity to delight in my children and it stretches my skills as a seamstress and party planner. I set the bar pretty high with my son's costumes. I told him he could choose anything he wanted and I'd find a way to make it work. He has been a deep-sea diver, Larry Boy from Veggie Tales, a ninja, a cow, a puppy, an M & M, a dragon, a gryphon, a wolf, a wizard, and a whole host of other things. My daughter has been a scarecrow, a leopard, a puppy, a pirate, a princess, and an M & M, I've kept all of the costumes I've made, so whenever we need something (or just want to play dress-up), we head for the costume box. Even my friends have caught on. The year my son was a Veggie, he had two friends who also wanted to be. I ended up making a Bob the Tomato and Junior Asparagus costume that year, as well (keep in mind, there were no patterns for these characters). Last year, one of my daughter's friends wore the Larry Boy costume. It was great to remember my son being that small and gratifying to see the costume get some more use. Maybe I'll try to dig up some pictures of the kids over the years. When I'm looking at those pics, pagan thoughts never enter my mind. When we were out trick-or-treating, I was laughing at my daughter because she saw a "pumpkin man" (scarecrow with a jack-o-lantern head) and told me she was going to marry him someday. She was Cinderalla, so she was out cruising for her prince.
Say what you will, but I know those people who met my kids last night will probably keep a closer eye out for them when they're driving in the neighborhood. I'll also take a little more care watching out for my neighbors. Enjoying a holiday, regardless of the origin, doesn't make me a hypocrite. God gave me a brain for a reason - He meant me to think through my beliefs and His commands. I don't remember reading a command about Halloween. There's plenty about not worshipping false gods and about loving my neighbors. Last night's experience had nothing to do with the former and plenty to do with the latter. If it was wrong, then I guess God will have yet another thing to take issue with me when I meet Him face-to-face - something that's nobody's business but mine and God's.
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Strange Dream
2007-10-30
My life has been hectic the past couple of weeks. It always is this time of year, what with fall parties at school, costumes, and the general pressure I place on myself to be supermom. This year has been especially challenging when I factor in my school schedule. I enjoy school and I'm trying hard to settle into the routine while still trying to keep things running smooth at home. I thought I was doing pretty well until this morning. I had an assignment due for one of my classes - something like 150 flashcards with medical terms. I'd completed them on Friday and put them in a neat little binder, so I wasn't worried. On the way out the door, I checked my backpack - just to make sure they were there. They weren't.
I was completely panicked because I know I had them on Friday. I spent the weekend cleaning out the garage, as well as my van, and didn't remember seeing them at all. I searched and searched, to no avail. I was late dropping my daughter off at childcare and late for school myself. Even worse, I had to show up empty-handed. I wanted to throw a tantrum in the worst way, but a friend reminded me that it would be both unproductive and completely childish. Some friend! :) I was 15 minutes late for class, but I tried not to let it ruin my ability to function and pay attention. I took time during my break to look one more time in my van. I'm glad I did, because they were wedged under the driver's seat in a place I never would've expected they'd fit. I was able to hand them in when they were due, making sure to be honest with the teacher about the fact that I turned them in halfway through class instead of at the beginning. I helped my lab partner finish hers and get them handed in as well, so all was not lost.
I'm glad this happened today instead of yesterday. Yesterday was my first clinical for the CNA course I'm taking. We were sent to a nursing home to gain practical experience by putting the skills we've learned in class to use on real, live people. It was a daunting proposition for me since I have extremely limited experience in the medical field. I worked at a hearing aid clinic for a couple of years after my son started school. Even though the clientele was largely elderly people, they were generally high functioning, so it was pretty easy to get along with them. Working in a nursing home is a bit different. The level of care is obviously much more intense and involves dealing with people's basic needs. Walking into the room of a complete stranger, knowing you'll be getting very personal with them in a very short time can be incredibly intimidating.
I knew I was apprehensive and that came out in my dreams the night before. I had the strangest dream about attending some sort of music event with the Bishop's wife. For whatever reason, I was walking around with her looking at various vender booths. I looked at baby clothes (though I have no intention of having any more babies) and blankets with sports logos on them. I turned to look at her and realized her nose was bleeding profusely. I asked her if she was OK and she said "No!" as she started to collapse. I could feel the panic rising in me until, in a moment of sudden clarity, I remembered that I'm going to be a nurse and I know what to do. The dream ended as I was calling for help and getting her situated. Aside from the anxiety over clinicals, I have no idea why I'd dream about that particular person. Seems strange.
On a positive note, the place we're doing clinicals is absolutely beautiful. I'd live there if I could. The staff is pleasant, knowledgeable, and seems to have the time and inclination to teach us. The person I worked with was particularly pleased to have us there. They were short-staffed and she thanked us over and over for helping her out. In addition, she seemed as interested in what we were learning in our classes as what she was trying to teach us by sharing her own experience. She helped to set my mind at ease and we ended up getting along famously. I'm looking forward to next week and hoping I get assigned to the same person.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
A Song That Makes Me Smile
2007-10-23
Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can't help falling in love with you
Shall I stay
Would it be a sin
If I can't help falling in love with you
Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
Like a river flows surely to the sea
Darling so it goes
Some things are meant to be
Take my hand, take my whole life too
For I can't help falling in love with you
For I can't help falling in love with you
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Something Funny
2007-10-21
Something my son shared with me that I thought I'd pass along:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=J5z4Vs26-TI
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
All 80s All The Time
2007-10-20
I went to a costume party at a local winery last night with my friend Susan. The wine was free-flowing and the costumes were outrageous. I wish I'd gotten a picture of the grand prize winners in their "Adam & Eve" costumes. They wore only flesh-colored body stockings with leaves covering their "naughty bits". Brave souls and a fabulous idea. It got them a trip to Cancun, so it was worth the exposure, I would think. I didn't put nearly as much effort into my costume - just wore what I had (except I did buy the boots and gloves).
4 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
It's My Birthday!!
2007-10-16
And it's going to be a great day!
9 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
If I Had A Million Dollars....
2007-10-11
That's the song (by Bare Naked Ladies - I love that group name!) I woke up to this morning. It makes me laugh! ....I'd buy you a monkey - haven't you always wanted a monkey? Maybe a spider monkey so I'd know what the hell they were talking about when they say "I'm gonna come at you like a spider monkey!" So, I started thinking about what I'd really buy if I had $1,000,000. That's a lot of zeros, but it doesn't matter a whole lot how many zeros there are. I know it's cliche, but what I want - what I really want doesn't come with a price tag because it can't be bought.
Yesterday when I picked my son up after school, he said, "Mom, you're a great writer." I thanked him, but wondered why he thought so. He pulled a folded up piece of notebook paper out of his pocket and handed it to me. I wondered what I was in for. Apparently he'd found something I'd written over a year ago in one of the notebooks he'd taken to school. Once I started reading it, I remembered why I'd written it. The Bishop had given me a list of the kinds of lies people believe about themselves, others, and the way the world works. He told me those lies serve as baggage that holds a person back from learning, growing, maturing, and properly connecting with reality. That conversation prompted me to examine the things I hold true and wonder how they might measure up to what actually is true. This is the list I came up with and the reason my son told me I'm a great writer (wonder what he'd think if he ever ran across my blog - scary):
Live what you believe.
Ability has less to do with success than attitude.
I'm no more or less special than anyone else.
I think more of myself than others think of me, but not that I'm better than they are.
Nobody would love me if they really knew me.
I'm capable of unconditional love, but I don't believe others are because....
...if my own parents couldn't love me unconditionally, then I can't expect anyone else to.
So far, I don't believe anyone has loved me unconditionally.
All men cheat - some genuinely feel bad about it, though.
You don't know what you're capable of until you try - with an open mind.
I'm ultimately responsible for everything.
It's easier for people to trust me than for me to trust them.
Nothing comes without a price.
Honesty isn't always the best policy.
Everyone has something to contribute.
Everything I do should be done to the best of my ability and I believe everyone else should do the same.
I don't know if I believe all of these things the way I did when I wrote the list, but it serves as an interesting reference point. One of these days, I'll revise the list - in my free time :)
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Maybe I Am A Drama Queen
2007-10-05
A friend of mine invited me to spend Saturday night at her house, sans kids. My son will be "hanging" with his dad this weekend and going to some kind of Renaissance festival in Sioux City. I hope he has a good time - and I actually mean that. It's an activity that would normally be right up my alley and one my husband would be dragged to under protest (if he went at all), but he actually offered to take my (our) son to it. Since he was taken care of and I didn't want to intrude on the "guy" plans, I made arrangements for my daughter to spend the night with my mom in Lincoln. I figured I could drive the kids to Lincoln tonight and spend the night there, then take my son up to Sioux City and hand him off to my husband there, leaving me free to spend time with my friend.
Unfortunately, my friend's husband made other plans without consulting her. He's normally gone because he's a trucker, but apparently he invited their grandkids to spend the night at their house Saturday night. She'll be expected to clean, cook, and entertain, but he didn't even have the decency to clear it with her before issuing the invitation. That means our plans are nixed. I'm a little pissed because I'd already made these complicated arrangements for the kids and it's all for nothing. I understand she has no control over the situation and she's definitely not going to turn her grandkids away, but damn it! I was really looking forward to watching a movie, talking for hours, having a nice relaxing drink, and maybe getting a good night's sleep for once. I love her house and I love spending time with her - something that's become much less opportune now that I've moved. I can't back out of the Lincoln thing because I know my mom is looking forward to it, too. I also can't throw a big giant tantrum because it's pointless. What kind of deal is that??
OK, so I can be really selfish and short-sighted. I'm sure I'll find something else to occupy my time this weekend. It just won't be the same. It never is when you get excited about something and it ends up getting cancelled. Still, I wouldn't want to be the kind of person who refuses to get excited about anything because they're a chance they MIGHT be disappointed if it doesn't work out. No, I'll roll with it. It could turn out to be one of those situations where I'm pleasantly surprised by something unexpected.
5 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
A Year Ago Today...
2007-10-04
...he took me in his arms and kissed me for the first time. Six months after that, he took me in his arms and kissed me for the last time. A year later, I'm thinking about it. I'm thinking about moving forward. I'm learning that I don't need someone else to define me. I've learned that I can move forward and be who I want to be - which is an extraordinary human being for the simple fact that there is no one else on earth who is exactly like me. I don't need anyone else to tell me that, though it's wonderful when someone else recognizes and appreciates me. Today, I'm not going to mope and cry about what I've lost. I'm going to celebrate what I've gained. "I'm Not Who I Was" by Brandon Heath:
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
I used to be mad at you
A little on the hurt side too
But I'm not who I was
I found my way around
To forgiving you
Some time ago
But I never got to tell you so
I found us in a photograph
I saw me and I had to laugh
You know, I'm not who I was
You were there, you were right above me
And I wonder if you ever loved me
Just for who I was
When the pain came back again
Like a bitter friend
It was all that I could do
To keep myself from blaming you
I reckon it's a funny thing
I figured out I can sing
Now I'm not who I was
I write about love and such
Maybe 'cause I want it so much
I'm not who I was
I was thinking maybe I
I should let you know
I am not the same
But I never did forget your name
Hello
Well the thing I find most amazing
In amazing grace
Is the chance to give it out
Maybe that's what love is all about
I wish you could see me now
I wish I could show you how
I'm not who I was
3 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Self-fulfilling Prophecy
2007-10-02
Start the day in tears and end it the same way. For much the same reason. I dreamt of the Bishop again last night. The ultra vivid dream where he tells me he loves me and wants me, but I can never reach him. The circumstances are different, but the theme is the same. We arrange to meet and do everything we can to make it happen, but the dream ends before we do. I wake up hurting and thinking about something he said to me. He told me there would never be another woman for him. He'd go back to his wife and the life he knew before he got involved with me and never reach for another woman the way he did with me. Stupid, but that made me feel like he really did love me - that our relationship was something special and unique in his life and it was because of who we were and how we fit together. That he didn't ever expect to experience that with anyone else because it was so extraordinary. That would have been lovely if he'd left it there, but he went on to say he knew there would be other men in my life. That hurt me. It seemed like an accusation.
I didn't want to be in a position where I could choose someone else, but I'm finding myself walking down the path of divorce. It's painful and disappointing, but also inevitable. I wrestle with failure and selfishness and guilt. None of that is enough to drown out the pain of being married to a man who can't even tell me why he wants to be married to me. If he can't tell me why, then how do I know he really does - especially in light of his recent vascillation on that very point? If I'm going to be with someone, I want them to have a reason beyond a sense of obligation. A reason beyond an aversion to the alternative. I want to be with someone who feels like I understand them and accept them for who they are, encourages them towards growth and enrichment, and knows that I love them above all else. I have so much to give. I also want to experience the same in return. To know I'm loved, accepted, and treasured for who I am. That someone isn't my husband. If it's not him and I'm single, then is it unreasonable to think I might find love with someone else? If the Bishop had chosen differently, I wouldn't even be asking these questions because I'd be with him.
Yes, Bishop, I imagine there will be other men in my life. Why, then, do I feel guilty about that? Why do I feel like I'd be cheating on you? Like I'm betraying our relationship? What a rotten thing to feel! Maybe I do need to talk to you again. Maybe I need to hear those final devastating words - that you don't love me. You never did. You were just caught up in the excitement of being with a younger woman who looked at you the way you wanted to be seen. That's really what it's all about, isn't it? I loved you as thoroughly as I possibly could. I believed the best about you. I poured my heart and soul into that and experienced great joy at how you responded to the way I loved you. You positively glowed when you looked at me and I found that irresistable. My heart shattered when that ended.
I'm healing - very slowly. I want to allow myself to fall madly in love with someone else. I want to experience that again. I wouldn't have wanted that if you'd chosen me. I'm not blaming you - you were always honest on that point. It just hurts. It hurts to think about what might've been. It hurts to let go. It hurts to reach for someone else, knowing that to do so would make me vulnerable to the same kind of pain. What it comes down to is this: I don't know how to do anything halfway. If I'm going to love someone, I'm going to do it with passion and abandon. If I do, maybe this time it will be for keeps.
1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
My New Boyfriend
2007-10-02
I went to orientation for nursing school this morning, which was held in the nursing lab. We started out right away with CPR training. I'd never been in the lab before, so I was shocked to walk in and meet the man of my dreams. It was love at first sight!
He has children, but I think I could learn to love them, despite the fact that they take after their mother....
2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Feel My Pain!
2007-10-01
After today, I'm now positive I'm regressing! In the past 6 months, I've enrolled in school, applied for student loans, developed a persistent acne problem, and today - had a school physical, complete with booster shots. All of this from a new doctor.
I've been to doctor's offices enough to know what to expect. I signed in and filled out paperwork. I realized when I got there that I had to pee, so I asked the receptionist if they'd be wanting me to pee in a cup. Now, I know she's worked there longer than 10 minutes, yet she seemed a bit shocked by the blunt way I asked. Whatever. If I have to make a trip to the bathroom anyway, I might as well get the whole cup experience out of the way at the same time. It sure beats emptying your bladder, then feeling like you have to eek out enough of a sample later under pressure! I got the paperwork done, the urine sample deposited, then headed out to the lobby to wait some more. I'm pleased to report there was actually no waiting. The med tech was already calling my name as I rounded the corner. Of course, she was calling me by my given name (which I hate), so I had to correct her on that. She took it well.
First up on her list was the weighing and measuring. I said, "Yippee, my favorite! I'll bet you haven't heard that a dozen times today." She laughed, which was good. I now weigh almost 30 lbs less than what I lied on my driver's license!! I want to get bragging rights out of the way for that now because I worked damned hard to lose most of the weight, and because I'll be getting a new driver's license sometime in the next couple of weeks - possibly Thursday or Friday. Good thing, too, because my picture is beyond hideous. It looks like a mug shot for a redneck trucker woman being arrested for domestic violence against her husband. It's all because they stopped using cameras with flash bulbs. With the digital video cameras they use, there's no way to know the precise moment they're taking the picture and it's up to the "photographer" as to whether they warn you or not.
OK, survived the weigh in and the height measurement - I'm officially 5'3", but I'm not about to broadcast my weight. The doctor says it's healthy, but still about 20 lbs above ideal. I can live with that, considering I've lost a grand total of 70 lbs in the last 5 years in order to get to the weight I'm at now. I'm sure I'll still fluctuate, but I'm a lot happier now than when I crossed the 200 lb threshold! We went to our little room and, instead of being made to wait, the med tech stayed and talked to me while she entered my info into the computer. She asked questions where she needed to and made idle chit-chat - which beats the hell out of waiting alone and feeling like I've wasted most of my day. When she was finished at the computer, she gave me instructions to disrobe and don the ever-so-fashionable paper vest and lap covering (I was in for the annual pelvic exam as part of the physical). I could've been a good girl and followed instructions, but I said, "Would it be possible to meet the doctor for the first time before I get naked??"
It boggles my mind that routine and expedience has eliminated the human element in the medical profession. I'll bet, if they stopped to think about it, the people working at those offices would agree. I did get to meet the doctor before removing my clothes. He was very gracious and thorough - both in the questions, and in the exam. I try to be a good patient. I keep a sense of humour and stay pretty relaxed because I've been through it so much already. I told him I'd apologize for the visual assault when it came time to disrobe, but I figure he knew what he was doing when he decided to be a doctor, so he was on his own for that. He teased right back about my choice to become a nurse. I like that in a doctor. Someone who can think on their feet, spend a little time getting to know the patient, and not take themselves so seriously. That makes it a little easier to swallow when I realize I'm paying the dude to stick his finger up my butt....uh...I mean give me a rectal exam, which apparently becomes standard after you turn 30. So much for regressing all the way! At least I got a bugs bunny band-aid to cover where they drew blood!
3 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Created with ShoutPost
