[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Deep Breath
2007-05-31
My house isn't mine anymore. I turned over my keys last night, had one last quick walk-through, and left it in the hands of complete strangers. I would've like a little more time to sit in the place after they emptied it out and think, but the movers finished 3 hours late and the realtor was already pissed because we didn't have time to clean it. Oh well. I would've been a lot more accomodating if the new owners had been willing to give us another week and maybe paid us asking price. I wouldn't normally be such a snot about those things, but all of the recent changes have taken quite a toll on me and I selfishly wanted to spend time with my friends instead of cleaning.
I made the drive to Des Moines this afternoon and cried most of the way here. The kids and I spent time with a friend and her daughter this morning, hanging around the pool at the hotel we stayed at last night. We had lunch with a different friend and her grandkids. It was all pretty emotional, complete with the drama of fighting with my husband. I could've done without that. He's been pretty difficult the past few days and I'm not quite sure I understand completely what his problem is. He doesn't have close friends he's leaving behind or any particular attachment to the area. We had a few bumps in the road as far as moving, but they weren't any big deal. Everything worked out in the end and he's getting what he wanted. That's more of an observation than any bitterness. I'm trying to roll with things. I've tried to stay on an even keel through this and I think I've done a pretty good job of it. I've done a lot of crying, but most if it has been away from the kids. I've prayed continuously because I need to. I'm still fighting my own demons.
Today was the hardest day for that yet. It seemed so wrong to leave town without saying goodbye to the Bishop. I wanted so badly to call him and talk to him before I left, but I had to keep reminding myself that I already told him goodbye. I supposedly released him and he me, but I think somebody forgot to tell my heart that. It just won't seem to let go. I didn't call, though. I dialed his number once, but didn't even let the call go through. In the end, I still want what's best for him and dragging him back through the past isn't what's best. I know this because I've revisited it enough for both of us and all it does is hurt more because it makes me wish he could still be part of my life and I could be part of his. Take a deep breath and try to let go....again. Give him up to God like I've done so many times before. Someone tell me again why I'm doing this?? I want to believe it's the right thing, but after this morning, I just don't know.
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Die, Habits, Die
2007-05-29
Why did I do stupid stuff today? Because I'm hurting. When I was hurting before, the Bishop comforted me. He's still the first one I think of when I imagine safety and security. He's not in my life anymore and I don't have that physical representation of comfort anymore. Now, when I feel like I need it most, there's nobody. Not entirely true - God's still with me, but the human element is missing. Waking up day after day to the Bishop's absence is really pulling me down. I don't mean to think about him so much. All of the changes taking place in my life have me unsettled to the point where I just want something familiar - someone familiar. It's maddening. Sometimes I want to just tilt my head and tap on it to see if those thoughts could come tumbling out. I'm really lonely tonight.
I'm sure my husband is feeling the same way, but we can't seem to connect. He's snippy and rude to me all day and then apologizes at night because he wants to have sex. I'm glad he's starting to see how his words affect me, but a full day of digs doesn't exactly put me in an amorous mood. I've tried to let the remarks go - to just let them roll off my back, but they start to build up and I feel like I'm wading through garbage whenever I'm around him. What a dreadful thing it is to provoke such bitterness in a person who tells me he loves me. Is this love?
In the end, it still doesn't matter how he behaves towards me. I've heard time and time again that I have to be obedient to God. Still trying. Still failing. Still surrendering every day. Sometimes I have to raise several white flags throughout the day. And still the thoughts are stuck in my head, no matter how vigorously I shake it. I'm trying to learn a new way of thinking. Apparently when it comes to learning the lessons of the heart, I'm on the short bus. I just want to love and be loved. I miss the love I received. I miss putting my energy into giving that love and knowing it's appreciated. Why is it so hard to do the right thing?
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Stupid
2007-05-29
Today, I have done not 1, not 2, but 3 stupid things. Guess what? I don't care. I've given myself permission to do stupid things today while the movers are packing up my life. I didn't do anything destructive or mean. Just stupid and childish. I've been gone most of the day. I don't know what I'm supposed to do. Just sit around and watch these total strangers pack? Not my idea of fun. I'd rather be out acting stupid. Hmmm.....anger.....which step is that in the grieving process? I don't care because I hate thinking my behavior is following some pattern or formula. I will survive this. I will survive because that's who I am - not because people keep telling me how wonderful all of this is. STOP IT already. It's NOT wonderful, nor do I need it to be. I'm fine with being miserable for awhile and I don't need anyone to cheer me up or put a postitive spin on it. I'll snap out of this when I'm good and ready. Until then, I'll try not to inflict my attitude on too many people. Just vent when I can without being mean and deal as best I can. Oh, and lets not forget the stupid stuff. Being stupid and careless is kind of fun. I'm not going to make a habit of it, but it's nice to think that the world doesn't revolve around me and it's not going to stop in its tracks based on a few little actions I take.2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Nausea
2007-05-27
It's all happening so fast. Part of me feels like none of this could possibly be real, so I'm taking it all in stride. The rest of me feels like I can't imagine a life that's different than the one I have. I can't mentally place myself in a different city, a different residence, a different everything. The tears started almost as soon as I walked through the door of the church this morning. Someone came up to me and told me they'll miss me and I lost it. I took tissues into the sanctuary with me because I knew I'd need them. I haven't really even had time to process any of this. I sat in there with tears streaming down my face while the pastor announced it would be our last Sunday there. I thought about all of the changes I've seen. 3 pastors and 2 interims in the past 9 years.
I thought about our first pastor there. He was kind and jovial and an all-around good guy. His wife started the Upward Basketball program at our church - something I never would've imagined myself participating in, but I ended up being a referee. I had so much fun with it - especially this past year. He's the one who dedicated our daughter after she was born. It was one of the last Sundays he pastored there before moving on to work in Minnesota. His were difficult shoes for our church to fill. We had an interim for awhile before the next guy came in. I felt so sorry for him because our church was like a powder keg getting ready to explode. I don't know all of the details, but the church ended up splitting just before he left. I'm glad I never found out those details because I love the people who left and I don't want to feel bad that they're worshipping somewhere else.
After the second pastor left, we got another interim. I remember a sermon he preached using a Burger King cup as a prop. He started reading what was printed on the cup and it sounded so absurd because it was all about "having it your way". He was asked to stay on as our full-time senior pastor, but declined due to his other job. I wonder how things might've been different if he's taken the position. Guess it wasn't what God had in mind. Not that I'm complaining. I really like our current pastor. He's been there just under 2 years, but it seems like longer. He and I have the same kind of sarcastic sense of humour so it's fun to trade quips. His wife is rather unusual - she seems scattered, but there's an unexpected depth to her. I've spent quite a bit of time with her lately and it's been really good for me. She tells the truth with compassion and kindness. She's fully aware of what's been going on and has been one of the few who hasn't tried to talk me out of how I feel. She just tells me that I need to get right with God and stay right with God. We have more in common than I would've thought when I first met her. I'm going to miss them both so much.
I'm glad this was a holiday weekend and that lots of people are out of town. It was hard enough to deal with the goodbyes this morning. My stomach is all knotted up and my head hurts. My heart is so broken right now. I have tomorrow to tie up loose ends before the movers come to pack up the house on Tuesday. They'll load Wednesday and that'll be it. I know it's not the end. I know I'll come back to visit, but it won't be the same. I'm trying not to think about the future at all. I have no vision for it at all. Maybe that's a good thing. I don't know. I'm just tired and sad and so very lonely tonight.
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Love & Lies
2007-05-26
Bishop-
I love you. I'm always going to love you. That was never the lie. The lie was in action. That I should act on it or allow you to act on it. The lie was believing the love I felt couldn't be transformed into something right. I should've waited. I should've lived out my faith. The love can be transformed - has to be transformed or I'll go crazy thinking about it. I rememeber what you told me. Do you?
You told me that it was mostly physical when you touched me the first time. You knew our relationship was changing even while it was happening. That the feelings and thoughts you were experiencing were moving you closer to me in a way you shouldn't be. You also told me you loved me. That you'd always love me. If that isn't true, then neither is anything else you told me. Things like God can perform miracles in the lives of His children. I am a child of God. Do I believe He can perform a miracle in my life? Yes. Yes because I believe in unconditional love for the first time in my life.
I thought I needed to talk to you or see you one last time. It would be fantastic, but I'm not so sure it's necessary anymore. I know how I feel about you. I know I never lied to you. That what I told you was the absolute truth when I said it and is still true as I'm typing this - a letter you'll never read, but even that doesn't matter. I've never claimed to be anything other than what I was. Lots of people have tried to convince me that you used me for your own sexual gratification and as an ego trip. A man who's in his 60's has only one use for a woman in her 30's. Yes, I am a woman - not a vulnerable little girl who trusted someone I shouldn't have. Not some innocent who can't wrap her mind around the fact that she was used. I gave you every reason to love me and I believe I'm a loveable person. The choices I've made haven't been lovely, but that doesn't mean I'm unloveable. I have plenty more going for me than just the female equipment I was born with.
I've thought it through and I realized something - something important to me. When your sex life with your wife resumed, you had no further use for me (if I'm to believe what I've been told). So, why did you keep calling me? Why were you still thinking about me and wanting to be with me and, in your own words, "loving me"? It wasn't just for sex. We didn't do that all of the time - not even when we were involved before we were discovered. Talking to me all those hours, confiding in me, allowing me to confide in you and really listening to what I had to say - it seems like an awful lot of effort just to get me in bed and keep me in bed - especially when we didn't always feel compelled to make love. Especially when you shared with me how much it meant to you to know I loved you no matter how we spent our time together.
That's right, I said "make love". That's what it was for me and I'll never go back on that. Even if you came to me today and told me it was all a lie for you, it still wouldn't have been a lie for me. I remember it all. Exploring the depth of your soul all the time we were touching. Gazing into one another's eyes for all those hours. The time I spent knitting you that scarf - every stitch represented the way I felt about you. The thought I put into choosing the colors, designing the pattern, learning something new just to show you that I thought you were worth the effort and so much more.
We will never know what our relationship might've been under different circumstances, but know this: I would've done anything to brighten your day and enrich your life. In the absence of that opportunity, I've done everything I said I would. I've loved you enough to let you go. I've stayed away from the trap of finding another man to fill the void you've left in my life. I've stayed true to what I believe, even when it hurt. It has hurt like no pain I've ever felt before. But then, the love was that way, too. The love I still feel. It was all true and I just wanted to express that.
-Dulcinea
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Mindless
2007-05-26
1. If your doctor said you were pregnant, what would you say?
I'd say, "You can tell that just by looking in my mouth??"
2. Do you trust all of your friends?
Not really, but it doesn't stop me talking to them - I just don't tell them everything.
3. Would you move to another state or country to be with the one you love?
Absolutely. As it turns out, even for someone I'm not sure I love.
4. Do you believe that everything happens for a reason?
No, but I believe good things can come out of bad.
5. Name two things you would NOT tolerate in a relationship.
Abuse of my children, abuse of me - in that order. I'd pull a Kathy Bates (in Doloros Claiborne). Justifiable homicide!
6. Which one of your friends do you think would make the best doctor?
My friend Scott, who happens to be a doctor. Other than that, I think I'd make a great doctor or nurse.
7. When was the last time you snuck out?
When I was a sophomore in high school. Technically it wasn't sneaking out because I walked out the front door, but I didn't tell anyone I was leaving and I didn't get home until 3am. My mom had the cops there because I'd never done anything like that - haven't since either, but it was worth it. When Jeremy Mehser comes calling and he needs to talk (make out), then the decision is easy. He looked and sounded like John Cusack. Wonder whatever happened to him....
8. Are you afraid of falling in love?
If it's the wrong person, yes. Much more afraid of rejection.
9. Is there someone who pops into your mind at random times?
People pop in and out frequently. I talk to them - sometimes out loud in elevators.
11. When was the last time you flew in a plane?
Trip from hell in February to Orlando
12. What did the last text message you sent say?
Something about my niece being adorable and being thankful she takes after her aunt (me) instead of her daddy (my brother). I'm a great sister!
13. What features do you find most attractive in the opposite sex?
I'm a little jaded and a little....shall we say needy....right now, so really the only attribute worth mentioning is one I won't mention :P
15. What are your goals in life?
Survival, raise kids, find some semblance of peace and happiness, live out my faith to the best of my ability, spend a week in Tahiti.
17. When you get married, how do vision your dream wedding?
I'm already married. My wedding was a mere formality and certainly wasn't what I'd envisioned. I'm not bitter because I really didn't care at the time - there were more important things to spend the money and effort on - like my son. Now, I think I'd go for a reniassance or celtic style wedding. When it comes right down to it, the wedding isn't nearly as important as the groom. If I were free to choose and could have anyone, it would be the Bishop, were he free as well.
Where is 18?
19. If you were to wake up from being in a coma for an extended period of time, name some people you would call?
Depends on what I remember coming out of it and who's there when I wake up.
20. How many kids do you want to have?
The two I have are plenty.
21. Would you make a good parent?
I think so, but you'd have to ask my kids - make sure to catch them on a good day!
22. Where was your default pic taken?
I took it myself with my cell phone in my car while I was driving - there aren't any cops on here, are there?
23. What is your middle name?
Lynn
And 24-26?
27. Honestly, what's on your mind right now?
The dream I had last night - about the Bishop being a history teacher and I was a student in his class. For some reason the classroom had a sofa in it, complete with bedsheets. We were on it making love when the school counselor burst into the room. Everyone was angry with me for tempting the teacher, but nobody held him responsible at all. Wierd.
28. Are you musical?
I eat, sleep, and breathe music.h I play several instruments and sing fairly well.
29. If you could go back in time and change something, what would you change?
That's hard to say. Each decision and event is connected to another one. If I hadn't gotten married, I wouldn't live where I do and I wouldn't have met all the people I know now. Too many things are connected in life to say I'd change something without knowing what else would change.
31. What are you wearing right now?
A Pink Panther night shirt with the phrase, "Keep Your Paws Off" and black cotton panties that are inside out. I got dressed in a hurry after my bath last night and noticed it a little while later - a detail that would normally drive me crazy, but I figured no one would see them and they fit the same regardless.
32. Righty or Lefty?
Both
33. Can you make a dollar in change right now?
Maybe if I go find my purse or shake down my daughter's piggy bank
34. Best place to go for a date?
Walking in the woods, holding hands, talking, stopping occasionally for a deep passionate kiss.
35. Favorite jeans?
Whatever fits. The ones I got at the Family Dollar have been the best pair so far.
37. Favorite animal?
Chinchilla
38. Favorite month?
October!! It's my birthday!
39. Favorite juice?
Juice extracted from coffee beans. Do you hear that? It's Starbuck's calling....I gotta get a shower....
40. Have you had the chicken pox?
Yep - really bad case of them when I was in Jr. High.
41. Have you had a sore throat?
Yes - duh, hasn't everyone?
42. Have you had plastic surgery?
No, but I'm saving up for that boob job as we speak!
43. Who knows you the best?
God, I would think.
45. Do you get along with your family?
Better now than ever before.
44. Do you wear contact lenses or glasses?
Both - whatever I happen to feel like.
46. Ever been in a fight with your pet?
Yes - usually a fight over the bathroom sink. One cat sleeps in it, they both insist on drinking out of the faucet (don't even know why they have water dishes), and every now and then I like to brush my teeth or wash my hands & face.
47. Been to Mexico?
Si, senor
49. Did you buy something today?
Haven't even dragged my butt out of bed yet. Starbuck's will be my first stop once I do.
50. Did you get sick today?
Does a headache count?
52. Do you miss someone today?
Um, yeah. I've missed him everyday since I saw him on March 16th and I've missed talking to him everyday since April 4th. It makes me crazy sometimes how much I still miss him.
53. Did you get in a fight with someone today?
No - too early for fights.
55. Last person to lay in your bed?
Me - I'm still there. Yes, I do sleep with my computer. What of it?!
56. Last person to see you cry?
My friend Roxanne. I cried all day yesterday.
57. Who made you cry?
Everything. The Bishop, moving, my husband, saying goodbye, generally feeling sorry for myself.
58. What was the last TV show you watched?
CSI Miami
60. What are your plans for the weekend?
Clean, prepare to pack, church Sunday morning, cookout with friends Sun. night, cookout with friends Mon. night
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Uncensored
2007-05-25
Today was one of those gut-wrenching sobbing sort of days. It was my daughter's last day of preschool. I've spent a fair amount of time helping out at school, driving for field trips, and getting to know the teachers. She's been going there 2 years, so there's a certain sadness about knowing she's moving on. There's a whole lot more sadness for all of us because there are just some relationships between teachers and kids that end up being special. My daughter had that kind of relationship with her teachers and it's sad to think we'll have to keep in touch long distance. Sad, but it can be done. They both had me crying before I even left the parking lot.
I picked up my son at home and took the kids to have lunch with my friend Roxanne. She's been the hardest one to leave, by far. We've just shared so much that I can't imagine life without her. The tears are falling even now. I cried when we parted at lunch. My poor son is worried his mom is going crazy and doing everything he can to cheer me up. Some situations just require a good cry, so I took the kids home and went up on a hill overlooking part of the city and just sat by myself and sobbed. I cried for all of the people I'm leaving behind. I cried for all of the stuff that's gone on the past few months. I cried for no other reason than to release some of the pressure that's been building. I can't believe I'm moving in less than a week. Every time I feel like this, I wish I had someone to run to - someone to put their arms around me and tell me everything is going to be alright. Of course, the only one I really want that to be is the Bishop.
I've fought so hard against the thoughts and wishes and desires, but tonight I have to let some of it out. I still want to spend time with him. I want to hear his voice. I HATE this "no contact" rule. I hate it with everything in me right now. I know it's necessary, but I still hate it. I've been a good girl. I've done most of what I know I should and I've really tried to hand it over to God. Tonight, I'm just hurting. I want to talk to him one last time. Not just talk, though. I want his arms around me. I want to look in his eyes and kiss him like I mean it. I want to cling to him. I want to do it all over again with him.
On the flip side, I want him to be happy. I want good things. I just can't get past the pain tonight. It's not just one friend I have to say goodbye to. It's all of them. Everyone in my life who means something to me will now be too far away to make spur of the moment plans with. I hate this. I want him to comfort me. To tell me I'm strong enough to do this. To build me up when I feel like I'm collapsing. I know how selfish it sounds - how selfish it is. I know I can't have what I want. Is it so wrong to just cry about it every now and then? If I don't, I'm afraid I'll do something stupid and out of character. I wonder if he'd be as understanding as I was all those times he called me when he wanted to just hear my voice, even though he wasn't supposed to. I doubt it. Oh God it hurts tonight.
I'll get back to the place of peace. I just need to vent tonight. Vent before my head or my heart explodes.
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Arghy Mateys!
2007-05-24
That's right, I went and saw the movie!! It was better than the hype and well worth waiting for. I tell you, Cap'n Jack loves me!
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Sigh
2007-05-23
It's been a tough day. 4 nights of dreams and counting. They're getting more intense. I'm having a lot of difficulty shaking the bad mood. My heart aches. Since I can't find a happy thought to share, I'll just not share anything tonight.2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Faith In Action
2007-05-22
I'm hestitant to tell other people's stories, but this one illustrates how wrong I can be about the basic principles of life. I have a friend who's been working at a job she hates for the past 3 years. It's a classic story of wanting to be productive and needing health insurance. She's said that she tries to do her best at work, but the environment hasn't been friendly or easy. She told me she'd been praying for a different job, but she hadn't been actively filling out applications or the kind of networking a person might expect. She typed up her resignation last week for her current job. I was praying too, but in the back of my mind I was thinking that it was crazy to sit around waiting for God to drop a job in your lap.
I've actually had an experience where God did exactly that. When my son started school, I thought I might like to get a job - something part time that wouldn't conflict with his school schedule. A friend from church called me out of the blue and said she'd like to quit her job and asked if I'd be interested in taking it. There was no formal interview. We arranged it between the two of us, she presented me to her boss and I was employed immediately. I worked there until I got pregnant with my daughter. It turned out to be exactly what I needed - it paid well, I could take my son to work with on the days he didn't have school, and I was really good at the job.
OK, so even with my experience on this subject, I was still thinking my friend was crazy for imagining that a job was just going to materialize. Shows what I know! She got a call yesterday from out of nowhere about a job that she's perfectly suited for. She interviewed at 5pm and got a call a couple of hours later to say she'd gotten the job. She can go in this morning and drop off her resignation completely at peace and I'm so happy for her. When she called me yesterday morning to tell me about what had happened, she was so full of praises to God. She told me she was afraid to get too hopeful, but she was thrilled at just being considered for the position - that her name had come up when they were considering potential candidates. Everything worked out and she'll be starting her new job next week. Praise God!
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Losing It
2007-05-22
3 nights in a row I've dreamt the most vivid and heart wrenching dreams about the Bishop. The first time, I could just shake it off. I've been through it before - having to come up from the fog of a dream to face a reality has gone on its merry way and left me behind. Those first few minutes of reorientation to the real world are hideous. The pain comes right back in full force. It takes several hours for it to recede and I'm left feeling melancholy. What's the point of winning the thought war during the day, only to lose it in my sleep? And then to have to face that agony first thing in the morning. It does still hurt so much. I've been keeping busy and pushing the thoughts from my head or just trying not to think at all. Then I dream about him. I see his face clearly and hear his voice the way I want to. Sometimes we touch in the dreams. Then they dissipate as sleeping turns to waking and I'm reaching out with both arms trying to hold on, not caring that it's wrong. Oh God, it hurts and it hurts and it hurts. I miss him calling me "Bright Eyes". I miss his voice, his smile, his arms, his touch, the things he shared with me, the way he listened, the way he stared right back at me without being intimidated in the least. My heart feels like it's been through a cheese grater this morning. What a way to start a day that I didn't want to face to begin with.
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Wretched
2007-05-20
That's the most appropriate word available for describing the movie I saw last night. I should've known it was going to be that kind of evening. We went to Famous Dave's for dinner. Normally, I'd love eating there, but I'd been to a birthday party earlier in the day and ate way too much cake & ice cream after sitting out in the sun all afternoon. I like being in the sun, but sometimes I have difficulty tolerating the heat. So much for Tahiti, right? I'm sure I'd acclimate! I'm also hypoglycemic, so I should know by now that comsuming large quantities of sugar doesn't produce pleasing results. OK, so I get to the restaurant and order a margarita. How can you go wrong with a margarita? I discovered the answer to that question last night. It tasted more like a frozen lemonade. I don't think the bartender had the mix right. I couldn't taste any alcohol at all and it made me sick to my stomach. I had my friend try it and he said the same thing, so I sent it back and had them make a new one. The second one was just as bad as the first. I don't know if it was body chemistry, too many sweets & too much sun, or if it was just a really bad margarita. Regardless, I didn't even get a tiny buzz and I ended up feeling like I wanted to hurl.
So, we get to the movie theater and they have new sculptures downtown. I'm normally not terribly critical of art (I have nothing to go on other than what I like), but the sculpture I saw near the theater was obnoxious. It depicted a guy sitting on a stump bent over too far to be in the "Thinker" position. I'm not sure what the artist had in mind because I never did see the title for the piece or the front of it up close. The rear view was enough of an eye full. If that weren't enough, the Bishop's car was sitting out in front of the theater as well. It just wasn't my night. I didn't end up seeing him or his wife (thank God!!), but I knew they were there and it was upsetting. I managed to make it through the movie this time, at least. Not that I had a choice since I didn't have my own vehicle or a graceful exit strategy. I can only use the migraine excuse so many times before someone catches on. So, I sat through the movie. The whole movie - 2 hours that I will never reclaim.
Two hours of misery and graphic bloodshed with absolutely no redeeming message. No hope. No resolution. If the hottest person you know ever offers to pay your way to a movie, complete with large quantities of food, alcohol, popcorn, candy, and soda and the promise of getting lucky in the theater or shortly following the movie if only you'll go see "28 Weeks Later" with them, my advice is to skip it. Or wear a blindfold and earplugs. I didn't know it was a sequel to an even worse movie because I wasn't the one who picked it. I kept thinking it would get better - if only I'd known. I would've used the migraine excuse and gone home to scrub toilets and probably had a more enjoyable evening. I'm all for gratuitous violence if it has some sort of plot or at least something to laugh at, but that movie was just disgusting. Afterwards, I told the guy taking tickets that it wasn't nice to let unsuspecting movie-goers walk in to movies like that without at least warning them that they'd be better off sneaking into "Year Of The Dog". I saw "Pan's Labyrinth" while I was too intoxicated to read the subtitles and figure out what was going on for the first half and it was better than "28 Weeks Later". Oh well, at least it gave me something to think about besides the Bishop - at least for a little while.
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Letting Go (Again)
2007-05-19
I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. My husband was home. He called me on his way home to share some things that had made a difference in his thinking yesterday. His words were good, but I couldn't help being just a bit skeptical. I want what he tells me to be an indication of real change. I hope it is genuine enlightenment on his part, but the only thing I can do is wait for his actions to back up his words. I tried to share something with him, too, but he cut the conversation short without even responding or acknowledging what I said. I could choose to hold a grudge, or just let it go. I'm choosing to let it go. The primary focus is working on what I can change, not making myself heard. That doesn't mean I won't speak. Just that I won't expect too much in the way of a response. God's timing, not mine.
I woke up from a very vivid dream about the Bishop this morning. I dreamed that he called me and I could hear his voice crystal clear, asking me if we could meet again. I honestly don't believe that's going to happen, but thoughts of him were part of why I had trouble getting to sleep in the first place. I did some writing and it helped to sort out and let go. I actually had to pick up a pen and paper last night because my computer is in my bedroom and I couldn't take it out of the room without causing a lot of commotion. I didn't want to do that. All I wanted was some quiet time.
I don't know how much of the emotional turmoil right now is due to this impending move and how much is me perpetuating the problem with my own thoughts. The result is the same. Working hard to change the thought patterns before they suck me down into that whirlpool of dispair. I think I'm going to have to accept that it's going to be more difficult the next couple of weeks because moving places a finality on the situation that wasn't entirely there before. I hope this is all just part of the process of letting go and that it will pass. I am terrified of what comes next. Of how things are going to be when I'm away from my friends. Of what my heart is going to feel like when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'll never see the Bishop again. As much as I want to do the right thing now, I still feel the pulling of those emotions.
Today is going to be a good day. I'm going to take the kids to Starbucks while my husband is at church practicing with a singing group. I don't know why he's still practicing when we won't be here when they perform, but whatever. They're going to clear out of the house when he's done so I can work some more on organizing things. I'll be glad for the time alone. I can crank up the music, dance like an imbecile, and work without distraction!
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The Saga Continues
2007-05-17
I'm thinking that convent is looking better and better. Too bad they don't take women with children. The stilted conversations. The dramatic overreactions. The exhausting back-tracking in having to explain my motives all of the time. Last night's conversation took the cake, I think. I had to call my husband because he overreacted to something I said on Saturday and took it to mean I don't want him calling me at all. Whatever. So, I called him. I tried to keep it upbeat. We eventually got to a point where we could talk about some of the practicalities of moving, but that was only after rehashing conversations from the past week and, in fact, from the past several months. Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on holding grudges? OK, so we get to a productive point in the conversation and then he suddenly has to point out the fact that he still has 2 more hours of homework left to do. Fine. What I had to say could wait, but no. He said he wasn't telling me that to cut the conversation short. Why then? It should've ended right there. It would've been better all the way around. The conversation deteriorated and ended up with him deciding quite suddenly that he needed to go. He said, "I'll talk to you tomorrow. Goodbye." in rapid succession and hung up on me before I could respond. That's the way it's been. I texted him to clarify something I'd said and say "I'm sorry" for the miscommunication. I sent him a second message right after that that read, "Good night." He called me back at 1am and woke me out of a dead sleep so he could pray with me. The pastor told me to take that as a sign he's reaching out as opposed to thinking he did that on purpose to let me know he'd had to stay up longer studying because of the time he spent (wasted) talking to me. I'm trying. Ugh!!!
Right now, I feel like we have some fundamental differences in beliefs. I've gotten to the point where I still talk to a couple of close friends about what's going on, but mostly I vent on here when I need to and try to face the stuff in my own heart that's wrong. I figure that alone should keep me busy for the next 50 years or so and I'll still only be scratching the surface. I'm OK with that. It really hurts to face the ugliness and have God deal with it. It hurts to think about the things I shouldn't and have my own motives revealed to me. It hurts to want things I shouldn't and try to find ways to cope until I stop wanting them. It hurts to think about the Bishop moving on in his life the same way I'm having to move on in mine, yet I know that's right and I want what's right - for both of us. I want to heal to the point where I can rejoice in his spiritual victories (from a distance) and not think about how it affects me. It has to stop being about me.
The things that have been on my heart have been echoed in a number of places. I hear the same things at church, special events, from friends, and in the books I've been reading. I feel like I'm on the right track, but I'm also waiting to make sure. I don't want to take a leap into nothing based on a feeling. I want my faith to be based on the truth. I'm studying and praying and studying some more so I'll know what that truth is. Facing that hurts, too. In the mean time, every conversation I have with my husband sounds almost right, but I find myself having to go back to those resources and compare what he says with what I'm learning. They're not matching up. What do I do about that?
I'm no Bible scholar. I'm working on building a foundation of truth in my life and I'm earnestly seeking. I'm surrendering my will day by day (also hurts, by the way) and I don't have enough confidence to confront the things that aren't consistent. I'm not even sure I have any right to do that. I can't tell which part is the lie, so I just keep on reading and praying and reading some more, with a smattering of conversations with friends who have consistently shared the truth with me. I know because I compare what they say to the Bible, too. I don't just want to think I'm right here and it's not a contest to determine who's more spiritual. I honestly want to follow through with what I've said - to allow God to take the reigns because I've messed things up so badly on my own. I want to fully experience God. To know him in much more than an academic way. I want to see what He would show me and I want my life to point to Him.
That's where I'm at on my own and so I met with my pastor this morning to discuss some of the things I've been witnessing and try to figure out if this is my test of faith - to trust God and leave it up to Him to deal with my husband the way He's dealing with me. We just seem to be handling this crisis in our lives in such different ways. I want sympathy and I want a shoulder to cry on as much as the next person. Especially when I'm hurting so deeply right now. But what it comes down to is this: eventually the pity party has to come to an end so we can move on. There's plenty of pain, but if I sit and focus on that every day, I'll never heal properly. It would be like picking at a scab repeatedly. Eventually it does heal, but the scar ends up being much more pronounced and it stays sore and ugly a lot longer. I don't want to wallow anymore.
That having been said, I felt like the conversation I had with my pastor was a good one. We discussed a little about some of the more recent interactions I've had with my husband. That they haven't been going well, but that I still have to keep pressing towards the goal regardless of what he chooses. We discussed where I'm at in my thoughts about the Bishop and I answered honestly. I'd been thinking I'd like to see him one more time before I move. He wrote BAD on a piece of paper and held it up. He did that several times for various reasons and we had a good laugh over that. Sometimes I think flashcards would be a good idea. Simple phrases you can hold up to communicate the point without saying anything. I asked him some questions about what I was hearing and reading to make sure I was understanding things. I asked for some practical advice in a couple of areas of concern. The meeting lasted a little over an hour and ended on a good note, I thought.
He called me back this afternoon to let me know that my husband and I will be meeting with him again this weekend. He also said he'd had a lengthy conversation with my husband earlier in the afternoon and that he (the pastor) stirred some things up, so I might prepare myself for a difficult conversation again tonight. It fills me with dread to the point that a hard knot starts to form in the pit of my stomach and my head starts pounding. I can't be like that. I have to be able to hear the phone ring and not think it's always going to be awful. How do I do that? I have a particular ringtone assigned to my husband's calls and I'm beginning to hate that song. I want to go backwards so bad and I can't do that either.
I'm living the next 5 minutes
Like these are my last 5 minutes
'Cause I know the next 5 minutes
May be all I have
And after the next 5 minutes
Turn into the last 5 minutes
I'm taking the next 5 minutes
And starting all over again.
If 5 minutes is really all I have left on this earth, do I really want to know I've spent them in misery when I could've spent them thinking about something true, noble, right, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, or excellent? I want to think about something beautiful.
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That Last Post Sucked!
2007-05-15
Is there a happy thought left at this late hour? I hate staying home all day! It was just me and my 5-year-old daughter and a mounting list of responsibilities. I love my daughter. I LOVE my daughter. She is the queen of imaginative ways to wreak havoc. Things I've actually had to say out loud to the girl:
Scissors are for paper, not cat whiskers.
Scissors are only for the paper Mommy says you can cut.
Scissors are not toys!
No, you can't use Mommy's toothbrush on the cat.
Soap and toothpaste are not the same thing.
Mommy's toothbrush is not a toy!!
DVDs are not frisbees.
Cats don't appreciate Shiatsu massage.
Cats don't need body lotion.
Little girls cannot fly. Yes, they can if they're in an airplane, but you are not in an airplane. Go potty now! Do not stop to pet the kitty. Do not stop to get a drink of water!!
You do not have an evil twin and nothing you say is going to convince me that she made the mess and went outside to play.
Your hair will grow back if you cut it off, but your fingers won't!
The TV screen is not a drum.
Do not use my phone to take a picture of the cat's butt.
She's only 5! I didn't hate being with her all day. I just hated feeling like I didn't accomplish as much as I should've and that what I did get done came at the expense of paying attention to her. Life is never boring when she's around. Either of my kids, for that matter. They're both so full of life. Intelligent, outgoing, funny, and just a little nuts, like their mother. There, that's my happy thought for the day. Tomorrow, I will try to start my day with a happy thought!
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Pathetic Crying Jag
2007-05-15
What kind of sad little existence have I carved out when I find myself shedding tears over the final episode of Gilmore Girls? It's not as though I were emotionally invested in the characters. I catch the show on occasion, but I'm not what could be described as an avid watcher. I see just enough to be able to follow the general story lines. So, what brought on such an intense emotional outburst?
Moving, that's what. Moving and marital problems and spiritual confusion and the list goes on and on. Mostly it's anxiety. Worrying about what you can't change is pointless. Worrying about what you can change is stupid. What if it doesn't necessarily fall into either of those categories? What if it isn't so much worry as it is trying to be realistic in my expectations? Two weeks and too much to do. Too much I don't want to do, but have to. Practical considerations, goodbyes to say, people I have yet to even tell. Then what?
The tension between my husband and I is already at an unbearable level. Things have deteriorated instead of improved. Soon, we'll get to experience it face-to-face every day. He'll have work as his escape. He'll have the advantage of knowing people there and being able to go out and commiserate with them. I'll be in a strange city without close friends. I'll have the added tension of trying to present some semblance of normalcy and make new friends. How? How is this ever going to work?
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Triumph Of The Human Spirit
2007-05-15
I'm sitting here joking about what kind of specialty geek I am while my life is falling apart. That's not an exaggeration - how I wish it were. My husband has taken to hanging up on me without saying goodbye or anything. We've talked all of 3 minutes today and that was a stretch. Not because I'm generally prone to being disagreeable. I don't know that he is either. At this point, I can't tell which one of us is setting the tone here. He called to talk to my son, who then handed the phone over to me. I don't know if we even would've talked at all if that hadn't happened. My head and my heart are at war.
Do you tell someone you love them if you don't mean it? We're commanded to love one another. Commanded because it doesn't come naturally. In theory, you shouldn't be able to love someone you don't know because there's nothing that ties you to that person. In practice, I think it's probably easier. I can love someone I've never met just by the descriptions of people on the blogs here. A person gets distilled down to their essence by someone who loves them and I can appreciate the qualities that inspired the love. There's no past conflict, no wrong decisions, no ugly interactions, and no unresolved anger to color my response. Even in my everyday life, I can tell people I love them and mean it in a sisterly way. A human way that recognizes other people's plights and their fierce will to overcome. To be better than they were, but not as good as they're going to be. I can find a redeeming quality in everyone because I believe it's there, even if it's well hidden.
So, what is wrong with me that I can't seem to do the same for my husband? I want to tell him I love him and mean it, but I really don't think I do right now. Do I lie about it? I keep hearing that love is a choice, but I don't know that I subscribe wholeheartedly to that. Some love is a conscious act of the will. Sometimes that's what it takes to get through the tough spots. I can accept that. But, is that the kind of love that should be between a husband and wife all of the time? The kind of grit your teeth and push ahead with dogged determination love because that's the only way it can be done? I believe I'm loveable. I've been loved, seen it for what it was, and accepted it. I'm not broken in that way, though my husband suggested it recently. If I'm not broken, then am I just blind to what's in front of me?
Is it love because he says it is? Or does it require some consistency in action to back up the words? I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about holding the door because it's the gentlemanly thing to do. I'm talking about holding yourself to a higher standard because you believe the person in your life is worth the extra effort. I'm talking about doing those things until they become no effort at all. So that the person you're with can take those things for granted and not feel obligated or indebted. Shouldn't you be able to take some things in your life for granted? Not love, but certain small acts of love? Shouldn't you be able to say, "He does it for me because he loves me", and not to show to others how generous he is to go out of his way to hold the door for me?
I suppose I'm speaking as much to myself as anyone. I do plenty of little things that go unnoticed. I do them because they need to be done. Because I want them to get done. Because I genuinely want life to run smoothly for the people around me. I could make grand sweeping gestures to draw attention to the things I do, or make a list and post it to make sure I get thanked for every little thing on the list. That's not how I operate. I'm not trying to keep score. I'm just trying to be me, to live out my faith in my actions, to try to do better because I know better, to draw closer to God and learn what He has in store for me, and to give Him the glory. And maybe, just maybe enjoy life a little in there somewhere. So, I'll keep laughing about being a geek.
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Geekiness
2007-05-15
Where was this survey when I was in high school? See, people - not a geek, just ahead of my time. What's wrong with knowing all the lyrics to every They Might Be Giants song anyway?
| Your Geek Profile: |
 Music Geekiness: HighAcademic Geekiness: Moderate Internet Geekiness: Moderate SciFi Geekiness: Moderate Gamer Geekiness: Low Geekiness in Love: Low Movie Geekiness: Low Fashion Geekiness: None General Geekiness: None |
http://www.blogthings.com/howgeekyareyouquiz/
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Purging
2007-05-13
I'm running through the cycle again. It's the late night hour. I had a pretty decent Mother's Day, all things considered. I asked to have my van detailed. It's going to happen in the morning. Another step to breaking the tie and it's a hard one - yet another thing I can't share with my husband.
I'm missing the Bishop something fierce tonight. I've tried everything to combat the thoughts, but they keep running in circles. Remembering what he smells like and how that smell would linger on me long after I'd left his presence. That's what the memories are doing now. Lingering long after I've been able to see or speak to him. My heart breaks all over again. I thought I was done crying, but maybe that won't ever be the case. It hits me when I least expect it, usually over something trivial. Somebody say a prayer tonight because my heart aches and I feel too weak to fight anymore. I miss him.
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Happy Mother's Day!
2007-05-13
Little Boy On His Knees (Cameron's Song)
He see's me in the morning,Lifting him out of bed.
The sun comes with little warning,
A brand new day's ahead.
To the kitchen for some breakfast,
A plate of toasted bread,
A cup of milk just as expected,
Close your eyes and bow your head.
You can thank him for anything you want to,
For the flower's and the trees
And pray,Lord Jesus, make me,
A little boy on my knees.
He's Mommy's little helper.
Learning to comb his hair.
And loves his baby sister,
Though he doesn't always share.
A quarter in the bucket,
A memory verse or two,
Although he may not know it,
He's beginning to follow you.
You can thank him for anything you want to,
For your Daddy and for me.
And pray, Lord Jesus, make me,
A little boy on my knees.
As we teach our Son to serve the Lord, in every way,
Lord the most important thing is this that we now pray,
Lord, we thank you everything you give us, but most importantly,
We pray Lord Jesus, make our Son a little boy on his knees.
Lord we thank you for everything you give us, but most importantly
We pray, Lord Jesus, make our Son,
A little boy on his knees.
We pray that someday he'll become,
A young man on his knees.
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Answers
2007-05-11
Finish the sentences:
1. I've come to realize that my first kiss... was pretty pathetic
2. I am listening to... the sound of an A/C fan in a crappy hotel
3. I talk... A little less than I listen
4. I love... with abandon.
5. My best friend... is a combination of a handful of people with whom I'm extremely close.
6. My Car is.... very hard to look cool in - a minivan. But, I'm cool enough to bring it up to my level.
7.My life is... turbulent.
8. I hate it when people ask...How are you? without really wanting to know the answer.
9. Love is...what makes life worth living.
10. Marriage is... confusing and more like a life sentence than a blessing right now.
11. Somewhere, someone is thinking... Does everyone have hair between their toes, or is it just me?
12. This weekend... will be too long in some respects and not long enough in others.
13. I have a secret crush...if I tell, then it won't be a secret.
14. I can't...say "I can't" unless I give something an honest try.
15. My cell phone... has a skull & crossbones on it that I fashioned out of self-adhesive jewels. It also has a picture of a 30-ft-tall purple gorilla for the wallpaper with the caption, "Bite Me!"
16. When I wake up in the morning... I hear John & Sherry Rivers on KLOVE
17. Before I go to bed I... spend way too much time on the computer while watching bizarre medical shows on Discovery Health
18. Right now I am thinking about... how anxiety causes a person to focus on their insecurities instead of considering other people's needs.
19. Babies are... miraculous. Tiny, fragile, such beautiful reminders of God's attention to detail.
20. I get on MySpace... never
21. Today I...spent more time thinking about wrong things than right. Tomorrow is another day, though.
22. Tonight I will... sleep a medicated sleep - hopefully devoid of dreams.
23. Tomorrow I will... do better because I know better.
24. I really want to be... a childish spoiled brat - good thing we don't always get what we want!
Thanks Doe!!!
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God's Sense Of Humor
2007-05-11
I'm in Omaha to attend the Beth Moore conference. She's written many Bible studies and travels doing speaking engagements all over the country. Each of her conferences is tailored to the city she'll be speaking in based on prayers and emails she receives prior to the scheduled dates. When the question of attending came up, I originally hadn't planned on being here. To be honest, her voice grates on me and I don't always agree with what she says. Last week, someone who bought tickets ended up with a scheduling conflict and needed to sell her tickets. I called my friend Roxanne and it worked out that we could both come. So, here I am. I came with an open mind and I know I badly needed time to get away and study God's word.
Imagine my surprise when she had us turn in our Bibles to Philippians 4:4-13. I was sitting next to our Women's Ministry leader (who is aware of all of what's gone on) and she and I both got a huge laugh over the chosen text because of my new tattoos. She said, "See, you were supposed to be here!" She's right, of course. Beth spoke about anxiety tonight - about what it does to a person and I actually got a lot out of what she said. How anxiety leaves a person open to spiritual attack, but prayer closes that avenue. How anxiety causes a person's attention to be divided, wreaks havoc on their emotions, causes them to behave in ways that are unreasonable, and distracts them from what they should be thinking about. She also talked about how people tend to fall into a rut in their prayer life - saying the same things over and over until it becomes more ritual and less communication. She said something that really spoke to me in reference to the relationship between reading God's word and prayer.
She made the assertion that God speaks to us through His Word and in doing so, opens up a dialogue. I can read a verse and then talk to God the way I would to a friend - honestly and openly. If it doesn't make sense to me, I can ask for clarification. If it does and I can see the relevance in my life, I can say that, too. She reminded me that my relationship with God is supposed to be a personal one and that I should talk to Him with confidence that He's listening. That, even though He knows what I'm going to say, He still listens to my words and meets me right where I'm at. It got me crying because I thought about all those hours I spent talking with the Bishop, certain that he was listening. I know he was because he could reference those earlier conversations, tease me about things I'd said, pick up where we left off, and do things he knew would impact me because he knew what was important to me. I was able to do the same for him because I was listening just as intently. He was taking the place of God in my life. It gives me hope that I can take those experiences and use them as a reference point for what my relationship with God should be. I've taken a really circuitous route, but maybe I'll get there just the same. It was a really great evening. At the end, we sang "In Christ Alone". It's a powerful and meaningful song for me.
Verse 1:
In Christ alone my hope is found
He is my light, my strength, my song
This cornerstone, this solid ground
Firm through the fiercest drought and storm
What heights of love, what depths of peace
When fears are stilled, when strivings cease
My comforter, my all in all
Here in the love of Christ I stand.
Verse 2:
In Christ alone, who took on flesh
Fullness of God in helpless Babe
This gift if love and righteousness
Scorned by the ones He came to save
'Til on the cross as Jesus died
The wrath of God was satisfied
For ev'ry sin on Him was laid
Here in the death of Christ in I live
Verse 3:
There in the ground His body lay
Light of the world by darkness slain
Then, bursting forth in glorious day
Up from the grave He rose again
And as He stands in victory
Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me
For I am His and He us mine
Bought with the precious blood of Christ
Verse 4:
No guilt in life, no fear in death
This is power of Christ in me
From life's first cry to final breath
Jesus commands my destiny
No pow'r of hell, no scheme of man
Can ever pluck me from His hand
'Til He returns or calls me home
Here in the pow'r of Christ I'll stand
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Attitude
2007-05-10
I AM THANKFUL:
FOR THE WIFE
WHO SAYS IT'S HOT DOGS TONIGHT,
BECAUSE SHE IS HOME WITH ME,
AND NOT OUT WITH SOMEONE ELSE. 
FOR THE HUSBAND
WHO IS ON THE SOFA
BEING A COUCH POTATO,
BECAUSE HE IS HOME WITH ME
AND NOT OUT AT THE BARS. 
FOR THE TEENAGER
WHO IS COMPLAINING ABOUT DOING DISHES
BECAUSE IT MEANS SHE IS AT HOME,
NOT ON THE STREETS. 
FOR THE TAXES I PAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM EMPLOYED. 
FOR THE MESS TO CLEAN AFTER A PARTY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
BEEN SURROUNDED BY FRIENDS. 
FOR THE CLOTHES THAT FIT A LITTLE TOO SNUG
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE ENOUGH TO EAT. 
FOR MY SHADOW THAT WATCHES ME WORK
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM OUT IN THE SUNSHINE 
FOR A LAWN THAT NEEDS MOWING,
WINDOWS THAT NEED CLEANING,
AND GUTTERS THAT NEED FIXING
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE A HOME.
FOR ALL THE COMPLAINING
I HEAR ABOUT THE GOVERNMENT
BECAUSE IT MEANS
WE HAVE FREEDOM OF SPEECH..
FOR THE PARKING SPOT
I FIND AT THE FAR END OF THE PARKING LOT
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM CAPABLE OF WALKING
AND I HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH TRANSPORTATION.
FOR MY HUGE HEATING BILL
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I AM WARM.
FOR THE LADY BEHIND ME IN CHURCH
WHO SINGS OFF KEY BECAUSE IT MEANS
I CAN HEAR. 
FOR THE PILE OF LAUNDRY AND IRONING
BECAUSE IT MEANS
I HAVE CLOTHES TO WEAR. 
FOR WEARINESS AND ACHING MUSCLES
AT THE END OF THE DAY
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE BEEN
CAPABLE OF WORKING HARD. 
FOR THE ALARM THAT GOES OFF
IN THE EARLY MORNING HOURS
BECAUSE IT MEANS I AM ALIVE. 
AND FINALLY, FOR TOO MUCH E-MAIL
BECAUSE IT MEANS I HAVE
FRIENDS WHO ARE THINKING OF ME.
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Being Good
2007-05-10
I wrote in my last post about trying to be a good girl for God and received a pretty scathing comment about it. I deleted the comment because it wasn't constructive and because it was way off the mark. Even though the comment is gone, the misconception clearly isn't, so I'm going to write a little comment of my own. It touched on two subjects that I'd like to address.
First, I was told never to lose my head over sex. Well, I don't believe I ever have. I know the difference between screwing someone (crass, but necessary) and making love to them. Having sex is simply temporarily satisfying a physical urge. I've done plenty of that in my lifetime. I gave it away because I didn't think it mattered. Maybe it didn't matter when I didn't know any better. When I didn't understand that a physical relationship is supposed to be an extension of the emotional and spiritual connection two people experience with each other. It doesn't define intimacy, it enhances it.
I've been mourning the loss of a wrong relationship in my life - not because I'm not getting laid, but because I miss that sense of intimacy. The absence of lonliness. The knowledge that there's someone in the world who thinks about me as much as I do them and feels like it's a good thing. Someone to pour my heart and soul into and know that the person recognizes me for who I am, loves me unconditionally, appreciates the fact that I love them unconditionally, believes the best about me (despite my obvious faults), and chooses to focus on the best and encourage those parts of me to develop. Someone who's happy to see me and actually looks forward to the time we spend together. Who desires not just my body, but also conversation and interaction of the heart, soul, and mind. Someone who delights in my attention and whom I seek to please.
The relationship was wrong because it occured outside of what God says is right. I don't think there are very many people left in the world who really take that seriously, yet there are a lot of miserable people in the world who can't seem to find a better way. I honestly believe my misery is largely the result of the poor choices in my life. Choices I made in the moment because of how I felt and what I saw in my limited understanding. I also believe my understanding would've been greatly enhanced if I'd sought God during those times instead of blindly stumbling about. I'm not just talking about getting involved with the Bishop. I'm referring to a whole series of choices that started when I decided to become sexually active at an early age. I got pregnant, I quit college, I moved to a strange city where I knew noone, I got married to someone I never should've been with, and I allowed circumstances to dictate my behavior and the course of my life up to this point. Aside from a few rays of sunshine in times when I was truly seeking God and allowing Him to control my life, I've been pretty disappointed in the results of the choices I've made. So, I'm trying to find a better way.
I'm trying to do things the way they're supposed to be done instead of the way I've always done because it just hasn't worked out so well. I'm not doing this because I have complete faith that everything is going to come up roses. I'm doing it because my heart is crying out for something more and none of the measures I've taken on my own have been able to silence that longing. Being with the Bishop came the closest. He satisfied my desire for intimacy, trust, and love on a purely human level. He never disappointed me, despite the fact that the relationship ended. Knowing he loved me and seeing that love demonstrated in so much more than sex helped me to better understand God's love. Even in his failure to love me in the right way, he pointed me towards the truth. Towards God's truth.
That brings me to the second point - one of being a good girl for God. I was told God has bigger things to worry about and that I should be a good girl for myself and my family. If I could've done that on my own for those reasons, I would've. My sinful human nature has no interest in being good. It tells me life is short, so do what feels good now and worry about the consequences later. It says to take care of myself because I'm the only one who really cares about my own happiness anyway. Take the happiness where I can find it and try not to get caught. Even if I ignore the spiritual aspect, that sounds like a pretty selfish and narcissistic existence. That's actually pretty close to how I've been living. I thought I was doing OK because I was being discreet. What people don't know won't hurt them, right? Not so much.
Numbers 32:23 Be sure your sins will find you out.
If God didn't care about us, why would He issue that warning? I love my children and want the best for them, so I teach them right from wrong. I encourage them when they make right choices and discipline them when they make wrong ones. I also teach them that life isn't so cut-and-dried as you get older. Sometimes you have to do what's right in order to feel peace and contentment within yourself. The world doesn't always reward good behavior or punish bad behavior. When I look back at my life, I can see peaceful times where I did what was right in God's eyes and he sustained me. I also see turbulent times where I was selfish and did what I wanted. The consequences aren't always obvious, though. Sometimes they take years to manifest - both good and bad.
God's love is stronger and much more personal than my love for my children. Oh, He cares, alright. Truth is truth, regardless of what you choose to believe. I'm choosing to believe the truth right now. I can't say it doesn't work or that it's all bogus unless/until I've given it everything I have. Putting faith in action is excrutiating at times. It is right now. Deny myself, take up my cross, and follow him. Not just do those things, but do them willingly - not acting like a martyr. I'm not perfect, though. There are still times when I whine. Times when my heart still aches over those wrong choices. Times when my heart still wants to continue to make wrong choices. I don't have the strength by myself to overcome those urges. God knows this and He's right here giving me comfort, lending me strength, and showing me in so many small ways that choosing truth is worth the heartache.
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Hoping To And Hoping Not To
2007-05-09
In just under three weeks, I'll be packing up and moving my kids, my cats, my household, and my pain and moving to a new city. That sounds pretty bleak, but it's how I feel. No word from and no random meetings with the Bishop since I spoke with him last on April 4th. A friend of mine saw his wife at the bookstore where she works a couple of days ago and said she looks like death warmed over. Not having a clear perspective, I don't know if it's just the first impression she makes or if she's actually not doing well. I've been careful to avoid going in there during her shifts, so I have no firsthand knowledge. I hope she'll be able to breathe a little easier once she knows I'm gone from here.
My heart is still aching and missing him, but I'm trying to keep my thoughts focused where they're supposed to be. Still not any easier than when I hung up with him that last time. I still find myself looking for his car, even though I'm not sure I want to see him. If I'm honest, it's because I don't want to know which way his reaction would go. I don't want him to look at me and turn away. I don't want him to look at me and make eye contact either. People say youth makes you resilient to the pains of life. If that's the case, then youth definitely isn't on my side. He told me to remember. As if there was ever any doubt. "You never know what you've got 'til it's gone" doesn't apply to me. I knew how special our connection was. Wrong, but very deep nonetheless. I allowed him all the way inside my defenses. I welcomed him and held him as close as I possibly could in every respect. The relationship is over, but the love continues on.
Even tonight, I found myself laughing at something that was said at dinner and thinking about him the whole time. A friend and I were discussing our respective knitting projects and what kind of class we should take next. I told her I thought we should try sweaters and she wasn't sure she could do something that complicated. She thought we should ease into it with sweater vests. Her husband rolled his eyes because he didn't want to be the recipient of such a gift. The Bishop and I had a running joke about sweater vests and how I think they're for little old men. He showed up on Valentine's Day wearing a red sweater vest. I loved that he remembered it. I loved that he did something spontaneous and crazy just to make me laugh. How could I forget the twinkle in his eye when he saw my reaction? How could I possibly forget any of it?
I really am trying to reach for what I know is right. I'm trying to make better choices. I'm trying to be a good girl for God. I'm trying to believe that's who I am and not the wild child who likes to live on the edge. It's a daily struggle. Who am I kidding? It's a moment by moment struggle. For better or worse, those memories are permanently etched in my brain. Nothing short of a frontal lobotomy will change that.
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