[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Restless Evening
2007-03-29
I've been thinking about the Bishop all evening. I'm really trying to think right thoughts, but he's been so much a part of my life that the thoughts get going before I even realize it. I took the kids to Panera after my son got out of theater classes. I was just hungry for soup. After we ordered, we sat down at a table next to the fireplace. Once I got settled with my food, I started to think about other times I've eaten there.
One time, my friend Roxanne and her two daughters went there to have dinner. It was after we'd had a big garage sale in the summer. My family and I were planning on going on a cruise, as were Roxanne's daughter & granddaughter. We knew she wanted to go, too, and she's the kind of person who has repeatedly given up her tickets to various events so that someone else who needed it more could attend. We decided to use the money we'd made from the garage sale to buy her a ticket to go on the cruise and we were having dinner there to tell her.
I've eaten at Panera with various friends and had all kinds of interesting conversations. Sometimes I end up making friends there. One time, I took the kids there and ran into the Bishop & his wife. That was long before he and I became involved. I didn't want to approach him because I didn't want to intrude on his personal time. I've seen people treat him almost like they would a celebrity. Honestly, he does seem bigger than life, but he is just a man and he should have time to himself. OK, so I ordered dinner and sat down (at exactly the same table as I did tonight, as it happens) with the kids. They noticed him and didn't have any trouble approaching him and talking to him. When our food came, the kids came back to the table to eat. The Bishop & his wife stopped by our table when they finished eating and sat down to talk for awhile. He maintained eye contact with me and engaged me in conversation the whole time. Up to that point, I was't exactly sure where his personal/professional boundaries were and I assumed he'd keep those coincidental encounters brief. The fact that he seemed comfortable sitting there with us gave me a different perspective.
I made it through dinner with only one other realization - that the outfit I was wearing today was the same one I wore to church for their Thanksgiving dinner. I'm pretty sure it was the same one the Bishop left me a message about telling me I looked good enough to eat. I miss him so much tonight I can't hardly stand it. After dinner, I still needed to be out, so I took the kids to Barnes & Noble. My son had gift cards that were burning a hole in his pocket, anyway, so it was a good way to spend time. I sat and read Dr. Seuss to my daughter the whole time we were there. We had a great time and it kept my mind in the moment for a little while. When we got home, I gave the girl a bath and put her to bed. Thing 1 is still in the bathtub, but he'll be headed for bed soon. By then, my cough syrup will have kicked in and I might just be able to get some sleep tonight. Hopefully dreamless sleep. Last night, I dreamt that I went into the bookstore where the Bishop's wife works. I walked in and saw her before she saw me and walked right back out. Maybe I'm making progress without realizing it. I just don't know anymore. Tomorrow is a new day....
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Grey Day
2007-03-29
It's overcast and windy outside. I like it that way. I wish it would rain and rain and rain. Not a heavy rain, but a steady cleansing rain. Of course, I'd have to deal with the nastiness of earthworms afterwards, but I think it would be worth it. I feel sad and quiet right now. Earlier, I was feeling just a tiny bit hostile. I got a phone call I should've ignored and it didn't go well. I'm tired of fighting off the passive-aggressive comments from the person in question. Nobody knows what goes on in my head except me and I'm not always inclined to share that with the rest of the world. There are plenty of things I keep to myself because it's prudent to do so. Thoughts that aren't productive or constructive and better left unspoken.
I thought I might get on here and vent the irrational anger I've been feeling, but I realized my balloon has been deflated. Maybe it's a deeper depression setting in or maybe it's just acceptance, but I don't have the energy to be angry. I don't have the desire to lash out. What would it solve anyway? I'd like to know that he's OK. I'd like to know how he's been dealing with things. What has been going through his head and if it's as tough for him as it is for me to get through each day. I care about what happens to him. God help me, but I do still love him. As the anger recedes, the happy memories come flooding in and it's hard for me to turn away from them. It's hard to stop thinking about how good it was to be with him. One memory in particular comes to mind.
The first time we kissed was a Wednesday in his office. It was a like the dam had burst and everything we'd been feeling came rushing out. The next day, we made love for the first time. It was terrifying and exhilirating all at the same time. It had to be quick because we met over his lunch break, so we didn't have the time for a long, drawn-out experience. He called and we met again that Saturday and it was completely different. We sat on his couch and talked & kissed for awhile before we made love. The tenderness and concern he showed me in doing that is what stays in my memory. All of the time we spent talking and sharing things with each other. I miss that so very much. It's hard not to call his house, just to hear him say, "Hello". It's hard to sit and wonder if he'd know it was me or if he'd want it to be me. I know I won't do it, but I still think about it.
The tears are back in full force today. I think it's because my husband is gone and I can just let them fall, knowing I won't have to explain what's wrong. He doesn't want to know how deeply this is affecting me, so why does he ask? There's nothing anyone can do to ease the pain or help me through the loss. I'm always going to love him and there's always going to be some sadness for not having had the chance to experience everything I wanted to with him. He's so much a part of my heart that I don't think it's possible to completely separate. I'm still amazed that he loved me. That he wanted to love me.
Unforgettable, that's what you are
Unforgettable though near or far
Like a song of love that clings to me
How the thought of you does things to me
Never before has someone been more
Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that's how you'll stay
That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too
<instrumental interlude>
Unforgettable in every way
And forever more, that's how you'll stay
That's why, darling, it's incredible
That someone so unforgettable
Thinks that I am unforgettable too
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Stuck
2007-03-28
I seem to be at a standstill right now. Not moving forward, but maybe not losing ground either. I guess it's not the worst place to be, except of course for how much it all still hurts. Maybe one of these days I'll be able to drive around and not think about all the places I've been and all the things I did with the Bishop. I try not to dwell on those thoughts when they do come into my mind, but it's a moment by moment battle right now. Not only that, but I'm receiving outside pressure from a couple of other people to do things I might've been tempted to do in the past. The temptation is gone. I don't want to let anyone in. I just want to be left alone to find the peace I so desperately need right now. I know I still have to make it through each day and I'm doing all I need to for my kids. I wish that's all I had to worry about, but it isn't. I'm supposed to be developing a relationship with my husband, too.
We talk. I'm not sure we're really communicating, though. We had a long, fairly neutral conversation last night. To me, it was a step forward because most of our recent conversations have been confrontations at crisis points. I don't know how to make him understand that we don't have to keep beating the same dead horse in order to make progress. I know he wants resolution to the big problems and he wants it now, but it took us a long time to get to where we are and it's going to take time to get to the place we should've been by now. There really isn't a final destination anyway. We're still going to have to communicate in order to maintain our relationship. I'm not even sure what it is he's wanting. I asked him last night if he just needs to be in a marriage relationship or if he actually cares who that relationship is with. I need to be loved and appreciated for who I am, not just that I'm a warm body. I want the connection that we've always been missing.
I'm not sure my husband is capable of forming such a connection. I'm not sure he's willing to take the time to develop it. It would involve a lot more conversations like the one we had last night. Interactions that don't necessarily have a resolution, but that help us understand and get to know each other (as well as ourselves) better. I've gotten the impression from him that he's perfectly happy and satisfied with who he is and that he perceives the problem to be entirely mine. There was a time when I would've accepted that. I thought I was some sort of defect because I believed our relationship should be deeper and there was nothing I could do to get where I wanted with him. I thought I wasn't good enough, smart enough, lovable enough. I looked at the way he grew up in a home with loving parents, siblings, a nice house, and all of the things that are supposed to be part of the American dream. I compared that to the way I grew up and I knew I'd never measure up. I didn't know the right things to say and I certainly didn't have much social grace. I've grown up a lot since we first got married. I'm the same person I was, but I'm becoming more polished. Everyone has a different starting place and it takes longer for some than others. I'm the first to concede that I still have a LONG way to go, but I'm willing.
I'm willing to face the ugly things in myself. I'm willing for them to be refined. I've learned so much in the past couple of years. Not all of it has sunk in. I can only absorb so much at a time. I could equate it to how the body deals with pain. It processes the most intense pain first. The thing that hurts the worst gets the attention. When that pain is gone, the awareness shifts to some of the smaller aches. My emotional healing seems to be progressing the same way. My greatest pain was in not being able to receive love - from God or anyone else. I had plenty to give, but I never really believed anyone when they said they loved me. Love is supposed to endure, yet there was little consistency in my life. God has always been constant, but I didn't understand His love for me. I couldn't see past the fact that my own parents never demonstrated love for me, other than taking care of my basic physical needs. I'm learning, though. God has been there each and every time I've cried out to Him. I don't always get the answers I'm hoping for, but I know He's there. I know He cares about what I'm going through and I know He loves me, even though I've made so many choices that violate His plan for me.
My children teach me a little about that every day. I love them unconditionally. I don't always like the choices they make and I can see how their lives would be so much easier if they'd just obey. I also understand that they have to choose for themselves. I can warn them, admonish them, encourage them, and help them reason through things, but it's ultimately up to them to decide. I know the concepts are directly relevant to me. I know that I'm the one who has to choose. I've let circumstances dictate my path for most of my life. It's not been working out so well. I could just accept who I am right now and justify it by saying God made me this way. Yes, He did make me this way. I'm being given the opportunity to learn self control right now. It's a hard and extremely painful lesson, but how much worse is my life going to be in the future if I don't learn this lesson? How much pain could I have avoided if I'd learned it sooner?
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Why?
2007-03-27
I really wish I knew why some days are so much more difficult than others as far as missing him. I had a massage today for the first time in quite awhile. Normally, I take my own music in with me to listen to during the massage. Usually, it's Enya, but I just couldn't handle it today. There are so many reminders. Driving on the highway behind a semi, thinking about how he hates to do that. Drinking coffee and remembering that he doesn't like sweetener in his. Thinking about all the times we went out to eat. Wondering what he's having for dinner. Wondering if he's OK. It's pathetic, really. I'm not supposed to be thinking about any of this. All wrong thoughts and they just keep coming at me. I've been fighting so hard. I don't want to forget, but I don't want to remember either. The anger is dissipating and leaving only dispair in its wake. I can't really talk to my friends about this. I'm just sad and lonely and depressed today. I could blame it on the weather, except that I love it when it's grey and dreary under normal circumstances. What happened to normal? I don't even remember what life was like before him. It amazes me how close we got in such a short time and how much of a hole he's left in my life. Maybe I'll go take a bath.2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
A Gold Star
2007-03-27
I'm a little shocked at what came out of my mouth earlier. I was talking with a friend and I found myself saying out loud that, just because I have a physically pleasing response to someone's touch, it doesn't mean I have to choose to act on it. I said it. I meant it. I'm not obligated to do anything in response to a man telling me he finds me desirable. Maybe I can stand up for myself after all.2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
I Hope My Mood Improves
2007-03-27
I think today is going to be one of those days where it's hard to focus on the right thoughts. I feel lonely and sorry for myself. I can't do this. I'm so tired of hurting. I put on my blue swimsuit that hasn't fit for awhile. I should feel good about that. I just have to push the memories out of my head of the last time I wore it. I'm going to go get in the pool this morning for the first time in ages. Maybe good hard exercise with cure what ails me. In the meantime....
God's grace changes everything
God's mercy is all that we need
When we're up, when we're down
God's arms are wrapped around us
Time to get a jump on the day.
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Smashing Kind Of Day
2007-03-26
My day started out around 3:30 this morning. My husband was snoring so loud I couldn't sleep, but I knew he needed the sleep, so I got up to check the weather online. I made the mistake of using his computer instead of the one downstairs and ended up finding a lot of stuff I didn't want to find. It resulted in a long drawn-out discussion in which nothing was really resolved. I'd be satisfied if I had some assurance he'd at least think about the things I said, but I'm never sure I make any kind of impression on him. He gave me plenty to think about, which I did when the discussion was over sometime around 6:30am. I spent some time writing my previous post, then started to get ready for the day.
My daughter had her "special day" at preschool this morning to celebrate her 5th birthday. I scheduled it on a Monday because my husband is home Mondays and I wanted him to be able to participate. Given how the day started and the lack of resolution, I offered to stay home and give him the opportunity to be there with her. I had an agonizing pain in my side, so I needed to take painkiller and rest awhile anyway. We compromised. He took her to school and spent the first hour there and I joined them for the rest of the time - after a much-needed trip to Starbuck's. While they were gone, I took some more time to think about the things we'd talked about. Still no resolution in my mind, but I did want to try to focus on admirable thoughts today.
Preschool was lots of fun. I got to read one of my favorite books for the class - "Oh Say Can You Say" by Dr. Seuss. I have excellent enunciation skills, so it's lots of fun for me to read and the class seemed to enjoy it. We played with magnets, play-doh, glue and string, and then had circle time where each child asked my daughter a question about her favorite things. There are 16 kids in the class and they each had to think of a different question. The kids did a great job at it with a minimum of suggestions. There are days when I'd like to stay in preschool! Afterwards, we had lunch plans with one of my husband's former co-workers. He took the girl and headed for lunch. I stopped in the restroom before taking off in the same direction.
I was talking on the phone with my Mom when I noticed the traffic at a stand-still on the highway. I KNEW something was wrong. I told her I had to get off the phone so I could call my husband. He was trying to call at that moment, so his call went to voicemail. He left a message telling me he needed me on the highway immediately and I could hear my daughter screaming in the background. The traffic was stopped because they'd been involved in an accident. I couldnt see up ahead because they had a couple of semi's blocking the lanes to keep people from joining the accident. It probably only took me a couple of minutes to reach the accident sight, but it seemed to stretch on forever. To make matters worse, I saw my husband's car before I saw them and it was completely totaled. There was nothing left of the front of the car - nothing at all. I could see another vehicle in the median, but I paid little attention because I needed to see that my daughter was OK. I was in hysterics by the time I reached them. I had no idea what I'd see and all I could do was sit in my car and half scream/half sob in fear. I've never experienced such a violent emotional reaction before and I hope I never have occasion to again. As it turns out, they walked away with some minor abrasions. My husband is pretty beat up and he's going to be extremely sore tomorrow, but the girl is perfect. She was obviously upset, but the car seat saved her life. That's the second time a car seat has saved one of my children. There aren't words to express the relief I felt, seeing the two of them standing on the side of the road. I grabbed my daughter and practically squeezed the life out of her before buckling her into my car. My husband was disoriented and bleeding from some cuts to his arm, so he rode in the ambulance to the hospital. They both checked out fine.
We didn't have time to get copies of insurance information or anything else at the scene, so we stopped in at the police station to speak with the officer on the scene this afternoon. He told us the other guy involved in the accident was .003% shy of being legally drunk. At 11:30 in the morning??? He'd been on his way to a local lake to go fishing, took the wrong exit, and tried to turn around in the median instead of traveling a few more feet to the next exit. I'm not kidding, it was literally a few more feet. When he got into the median, which was muddy from recent rain, he either fish-tailed back into the passing lane or tried to back out of the mud. Either way, he ended up in front of my husband, who was going 60 MPH. He hit a Ford F-150 in the rear quadrant of the driver's side and did some serious damage. We went to the tow lot to take pictures and saw that the damage to both vehicles was a whole lot worse than we'd first thought. The other guy was ticketed for wreckless endangerment, illegal U-turn, and obstucting a driving lane. He had an insurance card (which we're hoping was valid) and we're expecting that they'll end up paying. There were a couple of witnesses who came forward to fill in the things my husband couldn't remember. It all happened so fast. I'm normally pretty observant, but I couldn't focus on anything other than their well-being. I took a couple of pictures at the scene with my cell phone and retrieved my husband's phone from the car, then drove my daughter to the hospital.
It was an extremely emotional and distressing day from start to finish and I'm glad it's almost over. I'm looking forward to getting my kids to bed so I can get some sleep myself. I know I'll have a lot to think about in the aftermath. For now, I'm just grateful it didn't turn out to be as bad as it could've. Tomorrow will bring dealings with insurance companies and trying to arrange alternate transportation. Tonight is simply a time to thank God over and over.
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Choosing Your Words
2007-03-26
Humans love to gossip. They love to know something about or of interest to other people. They love the drama of telling a story - watching someone hang on to their every word as they unveil their secret. Knowledge is power - the power to motivate people and the power to capture their attention. I love attention as much as the next person. I love it when people want to hear what I have to say and to see the impact my words have on them - usually. I try to be very animated and responsive when people talk to me, but also honest. I don't like having to wonder where I stand with people. I don't want them to have to wonder with me.
I know my focus has been on wrong things lately. So many wrong things that I've had difficulty finding direction for what I should be doing/thinking/saying. After a lengthy early morning conversation with my husband, I'm realizing more of what it is that I find admirable. I find a person who chooses their words carefully to be an admirable quality. I know this, yet I also know I'm not terribly careful with my own words. I don't often prayerfully consider what I'll say to people, yet I have often done role-playing in my head. I have spent a lot of time thinking about different scenarios in my life. Sometimes I've imagined outrageous things in my head and sometimes those things come true. It made me wonder how much power our thoughts have over the circumstances in our lives.
This whole relationship with the Bishop started out as one of those outrageous thoughts. A simple little fantasy that I really didn't spend much time on because it was so far away from the realm of possibility. I was trying to learn how to have a deeper and more meaningful relationship with God. I can honestly say I've made huge progress in that area. I've learned so much about how the pain in my past hindered my ability to understand and receive God's love. I learned how skewed my perspective on love has been. I just wish I'd been able to understand some of those things a lot sooner. I'm not going to play the "what if things had been different" game. I can't change the past without changing the lessons I learned. So, what now?
I know I'm supposed to be thinking about whatever is right, good, pure, lovely, noble, and admirable. So, what are those things for me? The concept of right and wrong is still a work in progress, but I am making progress. Being able to see myself as the despised "other woman" is making some difference there. I'm still in love with him, but I have to keep looking at myself through his wife's eyes and through his kids' eyes. What about good? What do I think of as being good? The unfortunate answer to that is I see being good as a weakness. Why is that? Why is being good such an unattractive thing to me? That will require some more thought. Pure is obvious. Pure is unspoiled. I don't think anything in this world is truly pure. I think we get glimpses of it every now and then, when we're paying attention, but I think true purity is something that's waiting for us in eternity. Lovely isn't so foreign a concept. Lovely is natural beauty - looking in people's eyes and seeing the good things in them. Watching them light up when they talk about their passion. Noble is doing what's right simply because it's right. I have a long ways to go on that. Admirable is a lot of things, not the least of which is choosing your words carefully.
What I know is that I don't like to be talked about negatively by other people - especially the people I love. I know there's some of that going on right now and I know that I deserve it. My actions have left me open to it. I know that, in some company, I'm under a microscope. I don't always choose my words carefully and people don't always interpret them correctly. The combination has been causing me a lot of grief. I'd love nothing more than to just go off by myself for an extended period of time to get things straightened out in my head with no other influence than God's. I'm pretty good at making up my own mind about things, but right now I feel like I'm doing and saying things more out of expectation than out of what's genuinely in my heart. It makes me want to avoid people entirely. Not possible, but tempting.
I'm relieved when the weekend is over and my husband goes back to work. I feel like the pressure valve has been opened and I can breathe. It's not that I don't want to be around him ever. It's just that so much of what I'm deeling with is so painful for him. It wouldn't be beneficial or productive to talk to him about certain things. When he's not here, I can react more honestly. When he's here, I have to worry about how much of my emotions are showing on my face. I have to answer for why the tears spill down my face. I have to give him progress reports and the news isn't nearly as encouraging as he wants it to be. I'd like to give him a timeline. I'd like to say I have it all figured out, but I don't. I'm making headway in some areas, yet completely at a standstill in others. I've tried to listen directly to God about some things, but I could use some Godly advice. I don't know who I trust to give it to me, though. My pastor is helpful with some things, but I don't think he's accustomed to dealing with the depth of pain I've experienced and am continuing to experience.
It's not that I think my life is so much worse than anyone else's or that I have some monopoly on pain, but I do think that some people have a better understanding than others. Sometimes because they've been through it and sometimes because God gives them the wisdom. The simple fact that the pastor's perspective seems entirely male makes it difficult for me to communicate with him. It doesn't help that I'm having such a hard time with putting my thoughts into words. It helps tremendously to write, which is why I'm on here yet again. The feedback has been helpful and encouraging, but just seeing my thoughts in print is just as valuable. It helps me to look back and see where I'd like to revise my opinions or try to see the same set of events from a different perspective. Being honest with myself has been brutal. Lying and staying right where I've always been would be worse.
So, today I'd like to try something a little different. Not just try to focus on vague notions of the things I'm supposed to be thinking about, but to get more specific. What's admirable? Personal and spiritual growth. Choosing your words carefully so as to build people up instead of tearing them down. I know from personal experience that I'm a lot more likely to be a good girl when I've heard someone describe me as such. Most people naturally seek approval, so they'll be more inclined to exhibit qualities they've heard someone praise them for than to respond to criticism. Today, I'll try to be a little more positive and a little less critical. One foot in front of the other.
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How Did I Get Here?
2007-03-25
I know the past 6 months really happened. I know because, despite no physical written proof, I still have pictures I took of the Bishop in a hotel room and several phone messages saved on my voicemail. Right now, it just seems so surreal. How do you fall so deeply in love with someone and then just have it end? I have a message saved from 11 days ago. In it, he tells me he's thinking about me and loving me. What happened? I'm just reeling tonight. Every time I think about him, my stomach does a back-flip - kind of like when you're driving up and down hills on gravel. You feel weightless for just a moment as you crest the hill. That's how I feel. It's a physical experience I just can't explain. This whole situation has been so bizarre and maybe I'm finally reacting to the events of this past week. I just don't know. I'm sure I'll be puzzling through it more tomorrow evening when I'm alone again. I need some quiet time to myself to figure some things out. I won't be alone. God will be there. I'm wondering what it is He's trying to tell me right now. I catch a glimpse of it every now and then. Maybe I have enough pieces to be able to put it all together. I hope so. My heart is being squeezed again.0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Continued From Earlier
2007-03-25
Where was I? Ah, yes, the realtor. The offer was 14,000 under the asking price, plus they asked for appliances that are non-negotiable. We countered the offer and now I can stress for the next 24 hours while these people decide what to do. I don't want to move. I don't want to stay. I want to depart from this world. God knows the number of my days and he hasn't let me in on it, so I guess I just have to make the best of the mess I've created. I want to get out of here and go do something alone, but I doubt my husband will allow me to do that. I don't want to sit and be in a bad mood obsessing over things I can't change. Situations I didn't create intentionally. I swear that's the last time I go to that bookstore. I just didn't have any logical explanation for why I couldn't take my son earlier. Besides, it was nice to just hang out with him this afternoon. I want to make the most of it while I can. We went other places, too, and I got to be the hero for taking him and helping him get the things he wanted. Most of the time I have to be the bad Mom and tell him "no" all of the time.
This will get better. That's my mantra lately. I suppose there are a couple of ways it could get worse - like, say, the Bishop's wife and my husband have a nice long talk comparing what they know about the situation. That could be very bad for everyone involved. I could tell her everything he's told me and see how it measures up against what he's told her. I would never do that, though. It would serve no purpose. If I can resist the irrational temptations of vandalism and harrassment, then I can certainly keep my mouth shut and try not to cause any more pain. When it comes right down to it, I do still love him and because I do, I don't want him to be miserable - even though I can't have him. Even though he doesn't want me.
There's so much I haven't thought about this past week because I can't. I can't face the pain those thoughts would bring up. I'm not suicidal, but if I were ever prone to it, now would be the time. I'm so consumed with what's wrong that I'm having a hard time seeing what's right. I feel like I'm in a whirlpool, slowly moving closer to the center with each trip around the circular thoughts my brain keeps cycling through. I know I'm not thinking clearly. I know nothing lasts forever. I'm pretty sure I'll make it out of this relatively intact. I want to. Damn it, I still want him to be proud of me and be pleasing to him. I'm struggling with giving in and doing what I've always done against being a good girl for God. I have to do what's right because it's right - not to please him or anyone else. Why can't I just be angry and stay angry? I suppose I'd better go find food before my blood sugar drops and my emotional state gets even worse.
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Things I've Learned Today
2007-03-25
Something I learned a little while ago is that the bookstore where the Bishop's wife works closes at 5pm, not 6pm like I thought. My son received a gift card for that store for his birthday and was anxious to spend it, so I figured I'd chance it and take him shopping. He knew what he wanted and the odds she'd be working were about even. Put it all together, and I figured I could handle seeing her for the brief period we'd be in there if she happened to be working. If she were working, he wouldn't come pick her up until closing. She was working. Ugh! So, like always, I sang whatever song was stuck in my head while I was there. I forgot my purse in the car, so I ran out to get it while my son was looking around - a good excuse not to spend any more time in there than I had to. It wasn't until after I left that I figured out about what time they closed. She was apparently off the clock and waiting for him to pick her up, and incredibly nervous he'd see me when she did. I wish I could've told her I wasn't there to make her life hell. I don't know what hours she works. I didn't know they closed at 5, or I'd have been in there earlier in the day to make sure to avoid a confrontation. She's worried about him seeing me. What she doesn't know is that I'm just as worried. Worried he'll look at me and worried he'll look away. It's one thing to wonder if he's the one who sent the note. It's a whole other thing to face his rejection.
The doorbell just rang. I'm betting it's the realtor here to present us with an offer. More stuff I can't handle.
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Movies
2007-03-24
Thanks to TLC, we now know that Merlot and email don't mix, but what about migraine medication, Nyquil, and Shoutpost? I was supposed to go to the movies tonight - The Last Mimzy, to be specific. I bought tickets and met my husband, two kids, and one of my son's friends at the theater. Unfortunately, I can't seem to get away from the Bishop. I noticed his car parked in front of the theater and should've just gone home before I bought the tickets, but I tried to stick it out. I just couldn't concentrate on the movie, so I claimed a headache, which I was developing, and ended up going home after only a few minutes in the movie. When did I turn into such a chicken? I couldn't run the risk of seeing him and heading into another tailspin. On the way out, I had an almost irresistable urge to key his car. I'm struggling seriously with uncontrollable anger that he could just write me off and wanting whatever is best for him (which isn't me). The angry part wanted him to be thinking about the time the two of us went to see "Stranger Than Fiction". The loving part wanted him to be able to do what I can't seem to, which is apply what we both know is true and find some way of moving on. I do still love him and it hurts like nothing I ever imagined. This will get better, right? All I can seem to do lately is blast my Newsboys CD as loud as I can in order to drown out the thoughts in my head. Maybe I should go to the doctor and see about getting some happy pills to get me settled until I can gain a little perspective. It's either that, or risk losing my hearing! Enough for tonight! The medication is kicking in and I'll take drugged sleep since it seems it's the best I can hope for. Life goes on whether I want it to or not. The thought I've been trying all day to cling to is that 13 years ago, a nurse handed me a brand new baby boy and I fell instantly in love. His birthday party went great and there was some fun in the day. I'm hanging on as best I can. Tomorrow is a new day. Tomorrow brings another birthday party when I can remember that 5 years ago, I held the tiniest baby I'd ever seen up close. My 3lb 11oz little firecracker. Another tiny treasure to steal my heart away. Another reminder of the Bishop. The first time I met him, I was with my husband. We spent an hour or so with him and somehow, he managed to convince my husband that having another child might just be God's plan after all. What a bizarre thing to remember! I need sleep.
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Horrible Night
2007-03-24
I dreamed about him all night last night, in between the times I had people waking me up. I feel like I've gotten no sleep and I just want to crawl back in bed, but I can't. I thought this was supposed to get easier. Instead, I feel like I'm suffocating again. Where is the strength? Where is the feeling of peace and reassurance that I'm doing the right thing? Why can't I get my mind off of him, even in my sleep? Now that the tears have started, I can't seem to make them stop. I want it to stop. I want to stop hurting. To stop feeling utterly and completely rejected. I know I'm whining. I'm just so tired and overwhelmed. I have to get it together. We have so much stuff to do today. It's my son's 13th birthday. I need to be able to celebrate that, not sit around sobbing all day. God, help me or strike me dead, but please don't leave me like this.0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Question For God
2007-03-23
God, do you think you could just kill me now and get it over with? I saw him today. He drove right past me and I wanted to turn around and chase after him like nothing I've ever experienced. Am I going to make it through this without having some kind of psychotic break or turning into a crazed stalker? I've been thinking of all kinds of awful things I could do. Fortunately, I do still have a rational part of my brain functioning and I haven't taken action in the least. Not one phone call made, not one letter sent. I've been doing a lot of driving the last couple of days and I'm finding it more difficult to concentrate on where I'm going. The temptation - and I've actually caught myself a couple of times today - is to drive to his house. I didn't have anywhere to be after I dropped my daughter off at preschool this morning. I thought about doing some knitting at Starbuck's, but I just can't be around people right now. I got a cup of coffee to go and started off towards home. I almost went the opposite direction. It's not even an option to drive to or call his house. In all I've been through the past couple of months, that has never even been a temptation. Now, I wonder about my own mental stability. As I said, the rational part of my brain does seem to still be in control, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to lose it.
I went to a jazz concert this evening at a local music supply store. It was fantastic. Intimate venue, fantastic entertainer, and great music. It made me want to run away. The guy (a trombone player) played like nothing I've ever heard before. I didn't even know a trombone had the capacity to sound the way he played it and I've certainly never experienced anything like that in person. I LOVE live jazz anyway, so it was a treat all the way around. I took my daughter and she was just the right combination of adorable and shy. He even had his group play "Happy Birthday" for her. It was that kind of event.
I got out of there feeling sensational until I looked at my phone and noticed I'd missed a couple of calls - both of them restricted. I have a friend who calls from a restricted number and I was a little worried because her mom is sick right now and I thought it might've been her calling, so I called her. She wasn't the one who'd called and I don't know who else it might be, except maybe the Bishop or one of the unhappy women in his life. If I hadn't been in a concert, I would've answered the phone. For all I know, it was one of the parents trying to RSVP for one of the birthday parties. I'm so messed up right now I can barely get from point A to point B. I have no perspective whatsoever.
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Shouting Out Loud
2007-03-22
Today was another of those awful days, despite my best efforts to try to stay positive. I woke up this morning feeling like I'd gotten no sleep. Not surprising, considering I was wide awake until 2am and only slept fitfully after that. I slept deep enough to dream, though. I dreamt I was walking along the riverfront with the Bishop. We walked all the way from the boat south to the Hwy 20 bridge. I don't remember much detail - mostly just how it felt good to walk and talk. Here I am again holding on to hope when I should be trying to break from the past. How can I? I went to a birthday party this evening for one of my daughter's friends. The required me to drive right past his house. His garage was open and I saw his car there. I don't know how, but I held it together through the party. I suppose it helped to have all of the kids around and to be with friends - some of whom know a bit about what's been going on. One of them knew something was wrong and was subtle enough to lend support without tipping anyone else off. We talked later and the tears finally came. It was a relief to be able to let them fall for just awhile.
I'm sorry I got him in trouble again. I've been trying not to think about how miserable his family must be right now. I've been trying not to think about the questions I have. What happened, exactly? How did he respond? Was sending the package his idea? Whose handwriting was it? I know the answers don't matter. The message was loud and clear and he knows I'll respect it, no matter how much it hurts. I'm trying so hard not to be consumed with self-pity or to try to hold him to the things he said, all the while trying to live up to the things I said. To be honest with myself so that I can work through the pain rather than covering it up and living in denial. I'm trying to focus on what's good in my life so I can hang on to hope.
most of us will never know
how dark this world can seem
when life becomes more nightmare
than a dream
but to all of you
who have survived
a visit to the edge
I trust that you
will understand this pledge
I promise I will always leave
the darkness for the light
I swear by all that's holy
I will not give up the fight
I'll drink down death like water
before I ever come again
to that dark place
where I might make
the choice for life to end
I found that as I traveled
through the inscape of my life
that mountaintops make valleys in between
and when that nameless sadness
like a cloud comes over me
I look back on all the brightness
I have seen
If I could speak to him right now, I'd tell him that I'm sorry for causing him so much pain. I'm sorry for my own weakness and selfishness that enabled him to make wrong choices. I'm sorry for allowing my emotions to rule. I'm sorry for sweeping through his life like a hurricane and carrying him right along with me. I'm sorry I couldn't lie and say I didn't want him.
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Absurd Realization
2007-03-21
I'd been slowly getting acquainted with the Bishop for well over a year before our relationship became physically and emotionally more involved. I know he kept sketchy notes on our conversations and I'm sure I glanced at them a time or two. I'd been making love to him for months - learning every inch of his body, all the while picking his brain to learn more about who he is. In all that time, I don't think I have a single piece of paper with his handwriting on it. I don't believe I could recognize his handwriting if I saw it. Not that it matters in the least. Just a bizarre random thought bouncing around in my head. I imagine I'll have plenty of them to keep each other company for quite some time to come.
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Processing
2007-03-21
I wrote earlier that today was going to be a good day. I had no idea what was in store for me, but I heard on the radio this evening a reminder that every day is a gift from above. I felt peace this morning, despite knowing something had gone wrong. I still don't know quite how I feel about the revelations of the day, but at this point, it's irrelevant. It's enough to know in whom I can place my trust. My head hurts, my throat is raw, my stomach is all tied up in knots, and I'm still here. I'm a survivor. Struggle is no foreign concept for me. Learning how to deal with things in a different way than I ever have before is new, but I think I'm up for it. I'm scared and lonely, but not alone.
A song of love is a sad song, Hi-Lili, Hi-Lili, Hi-Lo
A song of love is a song of woe
Don't ask me how I know
A song of love is a sad song
For I have loved and it's so
I sit at the window and watch the rain, Hi-Lili, Hi-Lili, Hi-Lo
Tomorrow I'll probably love again, Hi-Lili----Hi-Lili----Hi-Lo.
It didn't rain today like I'd hoped. I did have band and stuck out the entire rehearsal. I got the alto clarinet. I took it out and played it for my son because he'd never seen one. I'm grateful for the opportunity to share things like that with him. The instrument is old and ugly, but it played great. There's a distinct odor that's emitted from an old instrument - a stale, coppery smell that I dearly love. If I were a proper music snob, I'd despise the alto clarinet and call it a piece of firewood like everyone else does, but I'm not. I figure if I'm any kind of musician, I should be able to play it and make it sound as good as it can. Every voice adds another layer of texture to the music. I'm almost to the point with our new music that I know my part well enough to be able to listen to the other parts and hear how they fit together. We're playing a piece called Loch Lomond that is hauntingly beautiful. It has two melodies juxtaposed in a way that is pure genius. What a privelege to participate in bringing it to life.
My life has meaning. What I've done can't be erased, but I believe in the healing power of God. The Bishop gave me the tiniest glimpse of what love could be like as a human experience. He hurt me more than I've ever been hurt before, but he also gave me the tools to deal with the pain. I know I'm still going to have setbacks, but I will move ahead. The truth speaks for itself and I have to cling to that truth. My heart is aching tonight, but the pain isn't as intense as it has been. I feel helpless, but not hopeless.
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Package In The Mail
2007-03-21
I received a package in the mail with a message in it today. I don't have a choice but to accept what's happened.3 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
This Morning
2007-03-21
This morning, I surprised myself. I skipped yoga like I anticipated, but instead of stopping at Starbuck's, I came home and changed into my Victoria's Secret graffiti pajamas and went out walking around the lake near my house. There was a thick fog surrounding the lake and it was absolutely magical to walk through. It was almost as good as walking at night - something I don't generally do alone now that I'm old enough to know better. I love it when it's dark and damp and mysterious. The fog seems to muffle sound and I feel like I'm in a world all my own. For awhile, I was. I had my CD player to keep me company and found myself walking in step to the music. I can't imagine a world without music. I hadn't been walking in a couple of months and had quite forgotten how much I enjoy settling into a rhythm and just moving forward. I tend to be pretty lazy, so getting up the motivation to step out onto the sidewalk is what gets me. Once I'm on my way, I don't want to stop. I called a friend when I was finished and ate up the rest of my "free" time (while the girl was in school) listening to what's going on in her life. Right now, I'd much rather listen than to have to talk. It's refreshing to focus on something happening outside my head! Today is going to be a good day. I have band rehearsal tonight - something I'm very much looking forward to. I need to stop at the music store because I'll be playing a different instrument tonight for one of the songs and I need reeds. I wish I were playing bari sax, but any change is a good change, so alto clarinet will have to do. I like to try out new instruments. I'm proficient on several and I like the variety. I wish I had my flute at home so I could practice, but I loaned it to a fellow band member. The thought of an instrument sitting around collecting dust grates on me. We have a trumpet sitting on a shelf in our basement that belongs to my husband. He'll likely never play it again. I'm tempted to give it away to a good home, but who knows? Maybe my daughter will want to play trumpet. I'm inclined to believe she'll end up on percussion. She just has a drumline personality. My son could decide to take up trumpet, too, but so far has expressed no interest. Maybe I should practice it. I used to be able to play it halfway decent. I did a lot of switching around when I played pep band. Tone quality wasn't as important as volume, so I did fine. Besides, it's a good practical way to learn. The hands-on approach. I think I know a little something about that.0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
The Pity Party Has Come To An End
2007-03-20
OK, so my self-absorbed little pity party is over. It was short-lived and I'm glad. Life is tough enough without wallowing in things I can't do anything about. Besides, I don't have the time and financial independence necessary to become a lush. I hope my imagination was just getting the best of me today and that things aren't as bad as I thought. I hope everything is OK. I'm going to try to sleep tonight. It may not fix all of what ails me, but at least I won't be dragging my body through the day tomorrow.
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Bad Day
2007-03-20
What happened to the days that were so blissful and the world was just as it should be? Today has been pretty awful. I saw the Bishop's wife at her place of employment. It wasn't intentional and it didn't go the way it did the last couple of times I saw her there, adding to my already fevered pitch of paranoia. Yesterday wasn't great, either. I felt all night like something was hanging over my head. Like something has gone terribly wrong and I'm going to be the last one to know. There's no voice on the other end of the line for reassurance or anything else. I just want to crawl into a bottle and stay there for awhile. It won't solve anything or even make it better, but at least I'd have some respite from the dreadful thoughts that keep churning in my head. I keep looking accusingly at my phone - as if it's the phone's fault for not ringing. Truth be told, it has rung plenty today. I should be grateful for all of the friends I have, but gratitude eludes me. Joy eludes me. I lift mine eyes into the hills from whence cometh my help. I always thought that was a statement, but "The Sound Of Music" led me astray because it's supposed to be, at the very least, a rhetorical question. The joy of the Lord is supposed to be my strength, but I'm not feeling it. "A Mighty Fortress Is Our God" was playing when I was in the bookstore. I sang along because I know the words, even while I was being rung through by the Bishop's wife. I feel like I've been rung through, or at least through the wringer today. I keep thinking my phone will ring, but what if it doesn't? Am I going to be OK?
The tears threatened to come at church on Sunday. Our organist passed away last Sunday night. I went to the funeral on Thursday and it was quite a convicting ordeal for me. Her life was one of integrity. Her husband asked the pastor to read the description of a Godly wife out of Proverbs. I was sad for her passing, but also felt the finger being pointed straight at me. It didn't help that I ended up sitting right next to a couple who have socialized frequently with the Bishop and his wife. Not only that, but I'm almost certain they know what's been going on. They should find comfort at the fact that I had to leave the service a little early because I was too distraught to sit there any longer. Instead, I went to the bathroom and sobbed for awhile. One of the other church members (the lady I got my black cat from, as it happens) came in and gave me an enveloping hug, thinking it was simply the passing of a sister in Christ that was causing me so much grief. I just stood there holding on for dear life as she told me about some of her own experiences and how the lady would've told us to keep pressing towards the goal. Why can't I cling to the meaning behind those words? Maybe I am and untouchable after all. Some sort of sexual predator manipulating to get what I want. I know I can't make anyone do what they don't want to do - especially someone who's smarter and more socially aware of what people are capable of than I'll ever be. I know myself pretty well, yet I still doubt my own motivations. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe it's good to keep checking up on myself to make sure I'm not who some people say I am. The fact that the tears won't come now makes me wonder. How sorry can you possibly be when you know you got what you wanted? One thing is certain - I'm in no shape to go to yoga tonight. I skipped it yesterday morning because my daughter didn't have preschool. I justified it by telling myself I'd be going tonight, but that's out the window. Time to just accept the fact that it's not going to happen and try to decide what to do instead. I just know there's no way I can find my focal point tonight. Not with so much uncertainty surrounding me like a cloud. Maybe I'll go tomorrow morning. I say that, knowing in the back of my head that I'll be at Starbuck's just as soon as humanly possible after I drop the girl off at school.
I went in there this afternoon, after I decided I really did need to get out of the house in search of an adult conversation. One of the ladies working there asked me how I was doing and, true to form, I was honest. I told her I was in a foul mood (making sure not to make her the object of my mood). She asked me what was wrong and I kept it simple by telling her I'd been waiting for a phone call. She told me not to spend my day in that kind of mood because the only result would be worry lines on my forehead between my eyebrows. It's true and I don't really want the wrinkles, yet here I am worrying again. As Monty Python would say, "Now, for something completely different". I think I'll go practice my silly walk. I really should've gone to the pool to work off some of my aggression this morning. Tomorrow is another day and......God's mercies are new every morning. Thank you, Roxanne. I love you. I love the Bishop, too, wherever he is tonight. Incidentally, I keep getting these email on one of my accounts asking me if I want to be a hero in bed. Sign me up! Right now, I'm pretty sure that's the only place I could be a hero. I guess everyone has to be good at something. Only one man would know right now.
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I Hate Being In Limbo
2007-03-20
It's true, I hate it. I hate waiting for the phone to ring, knowing I'm completely powerless over certain circumstances in my life. I hate that my imagination, which normally provides me with an endless source of entertainment, has run away with me again to the bad place. I hate wondering, worrying, thinking about all of the things that could be wrong, and all the while knowing there could be some perfectly mundane logical explanation for why my phone sits there mocking me with its silence. And what if something is wrong? Who's going to tell me? Not that I really have a right to know. I'm so frustrated with waiting. I've been doing the good girl thing and working on my laundry all morning, but I have to get out of here. I need adult conversation. I need to drive around and reject the notion of stalking to find my answers. OK, it's not as dire as all of that. Maybe I'll feel a little more level now that I've eaten. Maybe. If I weren't trying so hard to be a good girl and a lady, I'd be cussing a blue streak right now. Not that it would do any good, but it would at least give me an outlet for my frustration.1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Dream Or Stay Awake?
2007-03-19
I'm tired. I didn't sleep well all weekend, despite feeling lethargic and desperately wanting to. At least time seems to pass more quickly when a large chunk of it is taken up by sleep. Besides, it's always been my escape from the unpleasant circumstances in my life. So, why does it elude me now when so many other things are outside my control? I know I'll feel better if I sleep. I should never have watched that stupid movie, "Number 23". Maybe that little trip into the land of the paranoid mind has taken its toll on me. Not that the movie was terribly frightening. Just thought-provoking enough to keep the wheels turning in my brain. "White Noise" did the same thing to me. It nagged at me the way a pebble in my shoe would. I know if I fall asleep, I'll have unsettling dreams. I already feel unsettled tonight. I can't stay awake forever, I guess. Maybe I won't dream after all. Maybe I'm too tired to dream.
How come I can't dream about blue horses or Abe Lincoln instead of houses with rotting floorboards? I hate that dream. I've had it since I was very small. Nothing more terrifying than being stuck on the second or third floor of a big old house, afraid to move because if I do, the floor will give way and I'll fall. I don't know why falling through the floor should cause such fear, but it does. It's a waking fear, too. When I was at the concert last Saturday night, all 3 groups encouraged us to jump up and down. The auditorium is old and I could feel the vibrations from all of those people jumping. I started to panic, thinking the building could collapse. It's the same in my house. I think about it every time there are a lot of people in one room - like at Thanksgiving around the dining room table. I know my house is structurally sound, yet the panic washes over me when I feel the floor vibrate with people's footsteps. Sometimes I have to leave the room and go outside or to a quiet room for a few minutes to collect myself. I visualize what might happen if the floor actually did collapse. Usually, going through different scenarios helps. If I die, I know where I'll go. If I live, I know I could handle the pain.
Sometimes, when I'm outside, I feel the same panicky feeling when it's windy. It's especially bad if I can hear fabric flapping around. I don't know what it is about that sound, but it makes me break out into a cold sweat. My mouth gets dry, I can feel the bile rising in the back of my throat and I start to hyperventilate. I want to scream or pass out or run away, but the fear is paralyzing. I've never had a full-blown panic attack, but if what I've experienced is any indication of what it's like, then I know why people end up in the ER with them. Knowing my fear is irrational doesn't seem to make that much of a difference. The only thing that helps is breathing deeply and remembering that God is in control. He knows the number of my days. If it's His will, tomorrow is another day and His mercies are new every morning.
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Stomach Ache
2007-03-19
I have the most awful feeling tonight that something is wrong. I have no real reason to believe it, but I can't seem to shake it nonetheless.0 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Thrilling Afternoon
2007-03-18
I cannot wait until the weekend is over and I can get back to the insanity I've come to know and love. We went to movies the past couple of nights and that was alright. I'll post more about that when I get the chance. Right now, I have to get out of this house. My son and husband have been on the computer since 1:30 (it's now almost 4:30). I've spent that time finishing up a couple of projects and hanging out with my daughter. I just finished knitting a scarf for myself - finally one for myself. I knitted and gave away a bunch at Christmas, but never got around to doing one for me until now. That's OK, though, because I had plenty of time to think about what I wanted mine to look like. As it turned out, I went back to a pattern I'd done previously.
Before Christmas, I agonized over knitting a scarf for the Bishop. I wanted to make something for him with my hands - something uniquely for him that would reflect his interests and taste. He's a big Dallas Cowboys fan, so I picked up yarn in their colors and came up with a design for the scarf - yes, I did design it myself. Not only that, but I learned how to knit a picture into a design for him. I knitted stripes and a star into either end of the scarf. It was really pretty complex and I was quite pleased with the result. Noone would ever know it was my first try at that sort of thing. I LOVED the finished product. So much so that I hated to part with it. I got to see him open it at Christmas and experience his reaction first-hand. It actually brought tears to his eyes. That drove home the point that the joy is in the giving. I never got a chance to take a picture of the scarf. I really wanted to take his picture while he was wearing it, but that didn't happen. I suspect his wife has forced him to give it away or throw it away. Doesn't matter. I still have the memory of watching his face change as he realized the effort and thought I'd put into a gift for him. He's worth that much and more.
As for my scarf, I take excellent notes on projects, so I was able to reproduce the pattern for myself. I changed out the colors, though - for a couple of reasons. First, I didn't want her seeing it and thinking he'd given the scarf back to me (I asked him to give it back if he did end up getting rid of it) and I had the nerve to wear it after that. Second, I have a great leather jacket I want to wear the scarf with, so I wanted the colors to complement it. I chose purple and a muted shade of gold. It turned out fantastic. I finished it today and ironed it. For the rest of my stimulating afternoon, I spent a great deal of quality time lovingly rubbing leather balm into the aforementioned jacket. I do have the nerve to wear it. I adore that jacket - loved it from the first time I saw it in a catalog. I would've ended up buying it for myself eventually. That's my justification for keeping it. That, and the fact that I didn't tell anyone where the money for it came from. I'm glad I kept that little tidbit to myself.
Now, I'm going to make my daughter a PB & J and then head off to Kohl's. I have a pillow to return there and of course I can't find the receipt. I wouldn't care, but it was an expensive pillow and it gives me a headache. Then, I'm off to the mall to see if I can exchange a travel bag I bought. The zipper broke the first time I used it. I don't have the receipt for that one, either, so I wonder what the odds are that I'll be satisfied with the results of my errands?? I suppose I'd better change out of my PJs before I go. Ah, what the hell? They're cute pajamas from Victoria's Secret. Besides, everyone else goes shopping in their pajamas, so why shouldn't I?
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