[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Counseling Humor
2007-07-30
Just to make a good impression on my counselor, I wore this shirt to my first appointment:
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Happy Dance
2007-07-30
I don't have a clever little avatar to go along with this, and it's completely not important in the grand scheme of things, but I'm getting an "A" in Math!!4 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Song For Captain Funtowear
2007-07-30
If I could have a do-over in looking for love, this is how I'd be:
She was so fresh in that dress
A small voice said resist
But the devil was in my heart
And the future was on her lips
She's so fresh in my head
Her eyes haunt me still
Of course love's meant to hurt
That's why girls dress to kill
With my hand upon my heart
A promise starts, I'll rescue you
With my hand upon my heart
Just one slowdance I'll rescue you, rescue you
She was so fresh in that dress
Flirting's such a bore
Why can't she just walk up to me and say
You're the man I'm looking for
With my hand upon my heart
A promise starts, I'll rescue you
With my hand upon my heart
Just one slowdance I'll rescue you, rescue you
La la la etc.
She was so fresh in that dress
Flirting's such a bore
One chance to caress
Well worth angling for
With my hand upon my heart
A promise starts, I'll rescue you
With my hand upon my heart
Just one slowdance I'll rescue you, rescue you
La la la etc.
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And Now For Something Completely Different
2007-07-30
We went to Lincoln yesterday to celebrate my niece and two brothers' birthdays. I had a blast. I got crazy gifts for both brothers - a Snoopy Snowcone Maker and stuffed Snoopy for my younger brother for nostalgic reasons, and this for my older brother because I knew both of them would die laughing over it:
We laughed our asses off (pun intended) over it all day. That's my family and I love them.
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Wounded
2007-07-30
Here I am, up at 7:30 - been up since 5. I'm so tired, but my sleep has been disturbed too many times this morning to bother trying again, so I'll spend the time writing about the weekend, starting with what happened Saturday afternoon. The more I thought about the whole texting issue, the more angry and upset I got, but I decided to take a breather and calm down before addressing it. I took several deep breaths, vented on here, then walked calmly downstairs to talk to my husband. I asked to see his phone so I could read the message. He'd deleted it. Now, that just doesn't foster a feeling of trust and goodwill, so I told him we needed to take a walk.
We walked about a half a block before we started talking. I didn't yell and scream. I explained that we'd had discussions about boundaries with female relationships before. Relationships with single (or married) coworkers become inappropriate when they bleed over into personal time. The conversation was so incredibly painful. He told me he doesn't care anymore. That he doesn't love me. That he doesn't even like me or care if we spend any time together at all. In fact, he'd rather not spend any time together. He said as many nasty and hurtful things as he possibly could and I stood there listening.
When he was finished, I told him I'm getting two pictures in my head. The first is the way God sees me - through eyes of love. His image is one of kindness and compassion and forgiveness. The other is the picture my husband paints of me - as being cruel and mean and cold. Those two pictures are so different that they can't possibly both be true. I said, "I'm sorry, but you're the one who's wrong. I'm not the things you say I am." After that, we talked quite a bit more about him and how he's hurting. It was hard to listen to. It hurt like hell to keep my mouth shut and not speak up about all the ways I'm hurting right now. It was difficult not to point out that a lot of the pain he's experiencing right now is pain he's choosing, but I can't say that in a loving or kind way, so I shouldn't say it at all.
I know that thinking about the Bishop is a wrong thing for me to do because it starts me down a path of depression and anxiety. If I choose to think about him anyway, then I've done that to myself. The same goes for rehashing the past I've shared with my husband. There have been some dreadful things take place between the two of us. If I dwell on them, then I'll never be able to forgive him or myself and we'll just be stuck right there. I have to choose to take today for what it is and, with God's help, make the best of it. Looking at the past hurts beyond belief. Looking towards the future scares the hell out of me, so I have to stay grounded in the here and now. I wish my husband would do that, as well.
It's all so damned frustrating. I just wanted to address something specific that was bothering me in a HUGE way. Something that would make a big difference in our relationship. His reaction was so dramatic, so angry, and so hostile that it was exhausting to get him to focus on the one issue at hand, but I did it. I said the words I was instructed to say. I stuck to the topic. I kept asking him, would you be willing to change a few behaviors in order to foster better trust between us? It took a long time and listening to a lot of crap before he asked me, "Do you love me?" This is the part I'm proud of and the part that I'm going to hold on to.
I told him, "Love is a choice. It's clearly defined in the Bible. Putting all emotions and personal desires aside, yes. Yes, I love you. I'm trying to be patient and kind. To keep no record of wrongdoings, to hope all things, and believe all things. This is where I take my stand. No matter how you react or what you choose, I will do what's right. I will make decisions based on God's truth, not emotions because emotions lie. Even if you choose differently, I'm still going to do what's right." I told him that he has the capacity to hurt me still and I'm laying myself on the line and opening myself up to that possibility in order to open myself up for something good. I know it can go either way and that his choices help to determine the result, but that's a chance I have to take.
He didn't expect to hear those things from me. He said as much. I didn't necessarily want to say them. It took an incredible act of will to open my mouth, but it was right. It may not make sense to anyone else, but I know it was right for me. He has no idea how much I'm hurting right now. He can't possibly understand how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and keep my heart soft after all that's happened with the Bishop. All I want to do is put up an inpenetrable wall so noone can ever hurt me again. If I do that, it shuts out pain, but it shuts out love as well. I don't want to be like that. This is all so hard, but I'm doing it - with God's help.
My husband is still angry and bitter. He's choosing to hold on to those things. There's nothing I can do about that. This morning, he slammed around and woke me up to let me know he was leaving for work at a reasonable time instead of 5:30am like he has been. He made sure to wake me up again at 7 by calling me to let me know he'd gone to work like he should. He said it was an effort to foster trust. I think it was simply a way of sticking it to me because he knows I'm not a morning person. I'm not supposed to assign motives, so I'll let it slide. I'd like something better for the situation, but I can't make choices for him. I will say that I'm finding what I need through all of this.
Saturday night, I was exhausted. I started crying as a way to emotionally decompress. I got to thinking about my husband's words from earlier in the day and how much they hurt. It made me cry even harder. I could've stayed there and wallowed for a good, long time. What he said was mean and horrible. I didn't stay there, though. Something shifted in me. I started thinking about rejection and how much it hurts. That triggered a memory. A few years ago, when my son was involved in a church activity, everyone took a pledge to memorize Isaiah 53. That came flooding back to me on Saturday night and gave me a tremendous sense of connection.
1 Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
11 After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.
Jesus came and faced all of the anger, bitterness, resentment, and rejection that I face. His experience was worse because he didn't deserve any of it. Somehow, through the pain and tears, I looked across and saw His eyes. Eyes filled with sorrow and compassion. Eyes that showed a strength beyond measure and a willingness to take it all because he loves me. He loves me. Enough to die for me. To die to bridge the gap between God and man because of sin.
I will praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I cry, You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.
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Rage
2007-07-28
I seriously don't think I can take any more of this. My husband got a text a few minutes ago. He didn't look at his phone, so I asked him what it was and who it was from. It was from a female co-worker - a female single mom coworker who has taken her kid camping this weekend and feeling a little overwhelmed. This is the same single woman he took my kids and had lunch with while I was out of town. He let her take my son to hang out with hers, then my husband went and spent some time with her at their house when he was picking my son up. I am absolutely furious. I was pissed when all of that happened initially. Am I the only one in the world who sees that this is inappropriate? Not only that, but last night I was talking about my persisitent headache, saying a massage therapist would help. He had the nerve to suggest I go to the one he'd been previously texting back and forth with HIGHLY inappropriate messages. He said she's been contacting him trying to "drum up business". Sorry, but this one isn't going to fly. I can smell a lie a mile away and the aroma wafting off of him is beginning to resemble Tough Cookie's aforementioned trip to the city landfill.
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Clean
2007-07-28
It's amazing the difference a shower can make on your outlook. I've scrubbed off all the muck from earlier and my attitude is much improved. I realized something in there. My mom came and helped me just after we moved in when I badly needed it. She helped me with the scraping/painting in my living room and helped me plant a garden. All of that was a lot of work! I've been busy and have neglected the garden pretty badly. The tomatoes did fine on their own, for the most part. They've been watered and gotten some rain, so they looked pretty good. We got our first ripe cherry tomatoes off one of the plants this morning, which my daughter promptly picked and gobbled up.
The rest of the plants weren't doing quite as well. They were being choked out by the neighbor's trumpet vines. Trumpet vines are nothing more than a pretty weed! They look cool crawling up a brick building or an old iron fence, but they don't look cool when they're wrapping themselves around any verticle surface, living or not. I had to work a long time to unwrap them from the various garden structures and plants. Much to my surprise, and my daughter's delight, we already had ripe cucumbers and peppers. She was so excited and amazed that the plants we'd put in less than two months ago had produced results. She was thrilled and that's the thought I need to hold on to for today. The rest will work out in the end.
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Housework & Resentment
2007-07-28
I hate housework, but I do it because it needs to be done. Being a woman doesn't make me better at it or mean I enjoy it more. I'm tired of doing all of it on my own, in addition to the lawn care, the painting, and finishing the last of the unpacking. My craft room isn't set up yet. I'm pissed about a bunch of things that aren't getting done and I've just about had it. There doesn't seem to be any tactful way of bringing up the issues or assuring they get done. I tried doing what the counselor told me to do last night and it completely didn't work. My husband didn't seem to understand what I was saying at all. Picked me apart for even bringing it up, then proceeded to voice his displeasure about a subject we all agree was off limits. I'm so angry I could kick the crap out of him, but I haven't.
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Song For Mary Mary...
2007-07-27
Here's a Superchick song to share with the girls in your life:
Maybe he'll change
Maybe things'll get better
Maybe it would be nice
If he wouldn't always put you down
Maybe things'll work out
But maybe they'll never..
And I think you give them
The benefit of the doubt
You need that boy like a bowling ball
Dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give, to live
To waste your time on him (twice)
Maybe he'll change
If you could be better
But maybe it's not your fault
He's checkin out the waitress now..
But someday you'll change
One day you're stronger
And you will have changed enough
And it's time to get out.
You need that boy like a bowling ball
Dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give, to live
To waste your time on him (twice)
You have too much to give, to live,
To waste your time on him.
You need that boy like a bowling ball
Dropped on your head
Which means not at all
You have too much to give, to live
To waste your time on him (twice)
You have to much to give, to live,
To waste your time on him.
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Finally!
2007-07-27
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, I finally woke up without a headache this morning! Not only that, but I got a decent amount of sleep and even managed to sleep deep enough to dream. Boy, did I have some crazy dreams, too. Two of them I actually remember with a fair amount of detail.
In the first one, I was at the bookstore where the Bishop's wife works. I was back in Sioux City, but was determined not to go there, except that a friend of mine who works there was having a birthday party and they specifically called me and asked me to be there. At first, it didn't look like she was going to be there and I was having lots of fun. A few minutes into the party, she came in and sat down, but left almost immediately. Nobody else could figure out why, so they sent me after her to ask. Of course they didn't realize what a mistake that would be. When I was looking to see where she'd gone, the Bishop pulls up near the door, parks his car, and head straight for me. He's supposed to be there picking up his wife, but he wants to talk, so he asks if I can drive him somewhere so we can talk. I think about how stupid that sounds to leave his car parked in plain sight and take off with me, but I do it anyway. We get to a secluded spot and he begins to touch me while he's talking to me. Even though I'm enjoying the touch, I can't get the image out of my head of his poor wife. She's waiting for him to pick her up. She has to have discovered by now that their car is there, but he isn't. Not only that, but she's smart enough to realize that my car is also gone.
There wasn't any specific conclusion to the dream. I woke up thinking damn, I can't believe I'm still dreaming about that man. It didn't upset me and send me through the miserable cycle of memories this time, though. It's painful anytime I think about him, but not as devastating as it has been. I was able to get back to sleep and then had another dream.
I dreamt that my son was getting ready to start school and I wanted him in more challenging classes, so I was sent to someone's home to talk to them about getting him switched. Their home was surrounded by water because it had been flooding there, so we had to take a boat. When we got there, the lady I was to speak with turned out to be the wife of the pastor we'd had at the church in Sioux City 6 years ago. He was a very nice and lovable pastor, but his wife always seemed a little distant to me. I think it's because we were so different. She became a lot friendlier when I got pregnant with my daughter. That was surprising because I know she'd really struggled with fertility issues and miscarriages. She wasn't the type to extend her resentment to other women having babies, though. Anyway, in the dream I was pregnant again (must be a fear, not wishful thinking). I was laying down on a bed in one of their guest rooms while she was talking on the phone to her husband. She was upset when she got off the phone, so I held my arms out to her and she came and laid down next to me. It seemed like such a strangely comforting and intimate moment to share with someone whom I haven't seen in a couple of years and someone I've never felt particularly close to. It makes me wonder what's going on when I dream about someone out of the blue like that.
OK, so I woke up from that dream feeling actually pretty good. I think it might have something to do with my counseling appointment yesterday. I've been back from Sioux City for a couple of weeks now, with only sketchy plans to return in a couple of weeks, if at all. I know I'll be up in Sioux Falls for Lifelightfest over Labor Day weekend, but I don't know after that. As a result, I've been primarily subjected to my husband's inconsistencies and hostility. Yes, I've had classes and kid things to distract, but the feedback from him was beginning to wear me down again. The counselor yesterday reminded me that I connect with God in music. I gave her a copy of my blog to read last week and, although she didn't specifically comment on what I'd written, she did mention this aspect of who I am. It was something I really needed to hear - that I am a decent and lovable person and I need to start focusing on that. I've been feeling more and more tense around my husband when I could previously sleep with a clear conscience, knowing I was doing what I was supposed to do.
Nothing has changed in that except that I've been letting his attitude get to me. Why should I do that? I know that a lot of the things he says to me about who I am aren't true. It just gets tough to combat when there's nothing balancing out those words. I really do miss my friends. I also realized that I don't have a single friend with a similar personality type to my husband. I don't have to wonder why that is. I don't tend to gravitate towards people like him. He is vastly different than when I met him. He poured the alcohol down the sink and quit smoking when he found out I was pregnant the first time. Both admirable things to do in and of themselves. I'm glad he did that because I didn't want my kids raised around that. The only thing I've noticed is that he's also adopted the all-too-common "high horse" attitude about quitting. The snooty, "I can't staaand the smell of cigarette smoke" and "those people are so pathetic for using alcohol and smoking as a crutch for their emotional problems". I'm fine with quitting. I'm just not sold on the idea that it makes you better or stronger than someone else who chooses not to, or simply can't. The compassion is absent and I find it hurtful because it's not just about those two specific things.
It's about women getting pregnant outside of marriage. Hello?? Didn't we do that? (emphatic nod). It's about couples "shacking up" (a Dr. Laura term). Again - weren't we also guilty of that? We were guilty of all of the classic mistakes. It doesn't make either of us bad people. It must means we made some poor choices. Choices we've definitely experienced consequences for. I think that in most cases, the consequences are enough. People who make those poor choices don't need someone lecturing them and hammering in a point they're already living with. Instead, it would be nice for people to come alongside them and help them deal. I did have a couple of women in my life who showed me some of the finer points of motherhood that I'd never had an example for before. Without them, I'd be a mess and so would my kids. I could've used more help and support - especially in areas of social graces and filtering the things I think so they don't all come out of my mouth. It took me a long time to learn that and I'm still working on it.
The point is, what is the benefit of being so damned judgemental all of the time? Especially when you're pointing the finger at someone who's just like you were? I know the mistakes I've made and I'm not about to deny them. Trying to change history in my mind is just going to rob me of the lessons I've learned along the way and make me think I'm better than everyone else. I know that's not the case. I don't have to allow the circumstances I grew up with continue to define who I am, but I don't have to cast them aside and deny them either! What the counselor said yesterday about how I have good things happening in my heart and in my life is exactly what I needed to hear. She told me she thinks I'm shutting them off when I'm around my husband because it hurts too much to reconcile those things with the way he treats me. She's right. I shouldn't have to do that. She told me it's OK to allow those things to grow and flourish, regardless of the circumstances. She went further to say that his reception of those things, whether good or bad, isn't my burden to bear. He'll decide how he's going to react and his decision has little to do with who I am, so I won't need to take it personal. That was a huge weight off my shoulders.
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Makeover
2007-07-26
Despite my persistent headache, I decided to go out with a friend - yes, I actually do have one real, live friend here. She's a Mary Kay consultant and a lot of fun to be around. She's not afraid to laugh at herself and she has a contagious laugh. She's the one who got me to order a Blow Job at a local Mexican restaurant. The shot wasn't too bad - only my 3rd or 4th shot ever (who would've thought?), but it was more fun watching the waitress turn the order in to the guys behind the bar. One of the guys had a mohawk. But, I digress.
So, we went to a Mary Kay consultant meeting. I've been to a couple in Sioux City. I'm not much for group activities like that, but I have to say their enthusiasm is contagious. They're girlie girls and make no apologies for it. I needed some products, too, so I didn't have to worry about feeling pressured to buy anything or sign up as a consultant myself. That's a pretty good position to be in. Tonight's training portion was an "Eyes Cream Social". Cute little play on words and there was ice cream involved, so how can you miss on a hot day? I was one of their eye "models" since I was a guest, which meant playing with new colors, getting a facial, and having people applaud me for my ability to paint my face. All in all, not a bad way to end the day. I'm not sure the results will be visible in the picture, but it's the best I could do in taking my own pic:
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Also Annoyed
2007-07-25
I am just plain irritated tonight. I had that stupid headache all day. My husband was supposed to get home in time to take my daughter to Vacation Bible School. Yeah, right. I passed him as I was on my way to church. Oh well, what did I really expect? It's been a whole string of bothersome events strung together.
Shake it off, suck it up, and rub some dirt on it. All is not lost. I spent some of the time my daughter was in VBS sitting outside talking to a friend from Sioux City. Right before we ended the conversation, I could her a catch in her voice as she told me she misses me. I just about lost it. I miss her, too! I've missed our phone conversations about books and life and things we've learned or observed. I've missed cooking with her. I've missed our long, leisurely lunch dates. I've especially missed her hugs. That lady can hug like nobody else I've ever met. When she wraps her arms around me, I feel like the whole world has been shut out for just a moment and I'm completely safe and warm. She's got eyes that pierce right through a person, but a smile that shows she loves you, no matter what she sees. Sometimes she's a complete contradiction, but always I love her.
Maybe that's the real bother. Worrying that those relationships will get lost in transition. The truly special ones that challenge me and comfort me and remind me that I'm loveable. Stupid sometimes, but loveable all the same.
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Really??
2007-07-25
I have pets and I love them dearly. I think it has something to do with taking care of their every need and spending time with them. I notice and enjoy their quirky habits. My cats both lay on me as though I'm their personal chaise lounge. If I had 4 cats instead of 2, I'd never need a blanket on my bed! As I said, I love them and appreciate snuggling up with them when it's cold, but for some reason, I find the following story a little bit bizarre. Perhaps it has to do with the mental picture of a dog walker and security guard trying to perform the Heimlich Maneuver (and possible CPR) on a dog. It could be the fact that Oprah pays someone else to walk her dogs. Why have a dog if you don't have time to properly care for it? I think it might just be the idea that she claims to have learned some deep philosophical lesson from the death of her dog. Why can't it just be something that happened in her life that just sucked eggs instead of having to point to a deeper truth about life, the universe, and everything? I'm sure she was right that her dog lived every minute like it was her last, but don't all animals pretty much do that?
Oprah reflects on death of her dog:
Oprah Winfrey is mourning the death of her 2-year-old golden retriever, Gracie.
"Weeks have passed," Winfrey says in the August issue of O, the Oprah Magazine. "And the pain has not subsided. Every time I think about it, my heart starts racing and I feel like I just got stabbed in the chest."
On May 26, Gracie choked to death on a plastic ball that belonged to Sophie, Winfrey's 12-year-old cocker spaniel, while out with her dog walker and two other golden retrievers, Winfrey says.
"I ran barefoot out of the house and found the dog walker and one of my security guys pumping her chest," Winfrey, 53, recalls. "Just as I reached them, the security guy looked up and said, `I'm sorry, ma'am. We tried everything. I'm sorry. She's gone.'"
Winfrey — who "stood there dazed, stunned, crying" as Gracie was placed in a golf cart — says she learned this lesson: Enjoy life but remember to slow down, too.
"She never stopped moving. Was energy in motion. ... I have never seen a being, human or animal, always so full of joy," Winfrey says of Gracie, who ran amok and gulped food and treats. "This dog lived every moment as though it were her last."
Winfrey says she "got the message" to slow down and catch her breath when Gracie died.
"I don't believe in accidents," says the host of "The Oprah Winfrey Show." "I know for sure that everything in life happens to help us live."
How to properly administer the heimlich maneuver on a dog:
After determining that your pet is choking, remove any item that may be constricting the neck. Examine inside the mouth and remove any foreign object you see. Do not blindly place your hand down your pet's throat and pull any object you feel. Dogs have small bones that support the base of their tongues. Owners probing the throat for a foreign object have mistaken these for chicken bones. Do not attempt to remove an object unless you can see and identify it.
If your pet is small and you cannot easily remove the object, lift and suspend him with the head pointed down. For larger animals, lift the rear legs so the head is tilted down. This can help dislodge an item stuck in the throat.
Another method is to administer a sharp blow with the palm of your hand between the shoulder blades. This can sometimes dislodge an object. If this does not work, a modified Heimlich maneuver can be attempted.
- Grasp the animal around the waist so that the rear is nearest to you, similar to a bear hug.
Place a fist just behind the ribs. - Compress the abdomen several times (usually 3-5 times) with quick pushes.
- Check the mouth to see if the foreign object has been removed.
- This maneuver can be repeated one to two times but if not successful on the first attempt, make arrangements to immediately take your pet to the nearest veterinary hospital.
Even if you are successful in removing a foreign object, veterinary examination is recommended. Internal injury could have occurred that you may not realize.
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Headache
2007-07-25
OK, so I really should be in the shower getting ready for another grand adventure in the fabulous land of psychobabble, but I'm not. Instead, I'm dreading getting out of my bed because I have a migraine. I need a chiropractor, a massage therapist, and a cabana boy to come to my rescue!!
The counselor doesn't really spew out psychobabble. In fact, I really quite like her. I'm just SOOOOO not in the mood for this. I was supposed to write a letter to my husband consisting of two lists - one of the things I appreciate about him and another of the things he does that bother me. Hmmm.....no prize in guessing which list would be longer! Moot point since I didn't actually write it. I wonder if I'll get my name on the board for not doing my homework. OK, off to shower or I won't get Starbucks before the appointment. That might result in homicide at this point!
Tune in later for the lastest installment of "My Life With The Nearing Middle-Age Drama Queen". Again, not nice, but hey - I have a HEADACHE!!
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A Soda To Go With Your Butter?
2007-07-25
This is a summary of several articles I read on the detrimental effects of High Fructose Corn Syrup (found in a whole host of processed foods). I wouldn't normally pay much attention to stuff like this, but this is actually one of those cases where making a change in your diet could vastly improve the quality of your life later on. It's worth considering.
High fructose corn syrup is extracted from corn through a process involving a variety of enzymes. Both the corn and the enzymes may have been genetically altered. During the process, part of the glucose from the corn is converted into fructose because it's sweeter. The result is a mixture of 55% fructose and 45% glucose. The process was improved in the 1980's, making it more cost effective than other sweeteners. Since 1966, it has replaced sucrose as the leader in the sweetener market. Consumption has risen from zero in 1966 to approximately 62.6 lbs per year per person.
As high fructose corn syrup (HFCS) is broken down in the intestines, it is released in the bloodstream as nearly equal parts of glucose and fructose. The fructose can cause the same kinds of problems in the body as sucrose (table sugar). It's also being linked to widespread obesity. Fructose interferes with the body's natural appetite suppression mechanisms. It stops the body from making the hormones that tell it when it's full as well as short-circuiting hormones that control body weight.
Other effects of HFCS include increased risk of heart disease through elevated LDL's (bad cholesterol), increased risk of osteoporosis by causing a magnesium imbalance, increased risk of Type II Diabetes, interactions with birth control pills causing increased insulin levels in women, accelerated aging, and a copper deficiency that affects iron levels, bone density, the ability of the body to form normal connective tissue, and ischemic heart disease.
As reported by the San Francisco Chronicle in 2004, HFCS is one of the main ingredients that contributes to the sugar content found in soda (8 ½ tsp sugar), low-fat yogurt (as much as 10 tsp sugar), sweetened applesauce (5 tsp sugar), Slim-fast bars (5 tsp sugar), ketchup (1 tsp sugar/Tbsp), and a name-brand smoothie (10 tsp sugar).
It is recommended that people cut down or eliminate HFCS consumption because of the negative effects on the body as well as the process involving genetically modified corn and enzymes. It is also recommended that people reduce or eliminate the consumption of dextrose and maltodextrin (which are highly processesed simple sugars). People should read food labels carefully. It should be noted that HFCS is completely different from the naturally occuring fructose found in whole fruit and fruit juice.
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Timely Advertisement
2007-07-24
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Goonie At Heart
2007-07-24
I CAN NOT believe this is an actual show! When I was living in my happy little 80's world, I always thought Corey Haim was more attractive. As they've aged (and yes, me too), I have to say I've reversed my decision. I'm gonna have to go with Corey Feldman - something about his lips. Anybody who ends up with the nickname "Mouth" gets my attention, even if it was just for a role he played. Guess I am forever a Goonie at heart!
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Tough Cookie - This One's For You
2007-07-24
This is what people who hate to do laundry think up:
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More On Perfectionism
2007-07-23
OK, so we got our Math grades emailed to us on Wed or Thurs last week and I've been stressing since then. I thought the grade the instructor sent was just for the quiz we took last week. Mine showed a 91%. I know it's not a bad grade, but it's an A- and it was making me a little crazy for some stupid reason. I thought I'd done better on the quiz - even checked over the answers when I was done (partly to keep from being the first to hand it in). So, I've been bugged and made sure to double and triple check my homework for this week. I even did additional problems to ensure I knew what I was doing. We had to take this week's quiz before he handed out last week's - adding to my anxiety. I got the quiz done in time to hand it in first, but I kept second-guessing my answers. I was just as confident as last week, but obviously I'd done something wrong.
We did finally get the quizes back. I'd gotten 100% on the quiz - it's my overall grade that's an A- simply because he counts attendance as part of the grade. I missed the first class and had to leave early last week due to excrutiating cramps (I think I've about had it with the endometriosis). I'm so relieved about the quiz grade. Again, it's not that big a deal in the scheme of things, but if I think I'm doing well and I'm not, then I want to be able to fix the problem as quickly as possible. My grade will come up as long as I can make it to the rest of the classes and do well on the quizes/tests.
It's kind of bizarre when I consider the kinds of things that trigger the perfectionism and what things I let slide. Housework is one of the things I can let slide - some. Obviously I have to maintain some standard in order to feel like my kids are growing up in a healthy house, but I have no problem going to bed with dishes in the sink. Laundry is a little different because it tends to mildew if not addressed in a timely manner. When I do clean, I scrub like a madwoman. I'm efficient, but extremely thorough. It makes me wonder often what causes a person to be that way and why it seems to have to skip a generation. My life would be so much easier if my children shared my passion for attention to detail :)
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Forgiveness
2007-07-23
The peace that passes understanding comes, in part, from choosing to forgive. It is a choice and one that doesn't necessarily need to be shared with the person you're extending it to. Whatever wrongs I think I've suffered at the hands of others do me no good to hold on to. That goes for the Bishop and for my husband. Even if they continue. I'm still the one left carrying the burden of forgiveness. Despite all of the things I've been told recently, in my own effort to understand what's happened, it's actually easier to forgive the Bishop. Yes, he crossed a line he shouldn't have, but in doing so, I can't forget that he was very good to me. It may not seem like much, but he was kind to me. In all that's happened since, he's been kind. I know that the part I played in the situation was wrong and I've been forgiven by God, if not my husband. How can I do any less for the person who made the choices right alongside me?
Now, for my husband. He hasn't been particularly kind to me - either before the affair happened or in the time since. He has so far chosen to stick with me, for better or for worse. A lot of it has been worse. I don't know how to reconcile any of it. I can't choose how he behaves, but I do know that I can be kind. I can be patient and gentle. I can let go of the wrongs. I can choose to believe good things and choose to have hope. People don't change on their own, especially if they think nothing is wrong. I can't look at myself and think everything is just peachy keen, but I don't have to beat myself either. I can only look at each day as a new opportunity to learn something better and try to put it into practice.
I was listening to a song on the way back from Starbucks that served as a lovely reminder. I don't have to understand everything. I don't have to know that it's all going to work out perfectly. I read books that sometimes end badly. I don't necessarily like the unhappy endings, but it doesn't stop me from picking up a new book and believing it will be good. Maybe that's the way I should start each day - as though I'm opening a new book - not sure what it will be like or if it's worth reading, but I won't know unless I start it. I'm sure this is a subject I'll have to keep coming back to, but at least I'll have reference points along the way.
Let It Go - Newsboys
you are waiting on a beach
for a healing word to come
maybe an apology in a bottle
maybe a flare that says, "I'm sorry."
and the hurting leaves you numb
will you forgive?
will you forget?
will you live what you know?
He left his rights
will you leave yours?
you don't understand it
let it go
you are waiting on a beach
this is where the east meets west
and as another sun sets on your anger
the darkness laughs, as your wound destroys
and it turns your prayers to noise
will you forgive?
will you forget?
will you live what you know?
He left his rights
will you leave yours?
you won't understand it
let it go
this bitterness you hide
it seeps into your soul
and it steals your joy
'til it's all you know
let it go
will you forgive?
will you forget?
will you live what you know?
He left his rights
will you leave yours?
you won't understand it
let it go
will you forgive?
will you forget?
will you live what you know?
beneath the cross
you hear His words,
"Father, forgive them,"
and you know
you can't understand it
let it go
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New Church
2007-07-23
We went to church yesterday. In some respects, it was difficult. I had to go through the dreaded introductions as "the wife". I can deal with that, I suppose. The music was better than our church in Sioux City, but the music isn't what it's all about. I can't believe I just said that, but it's true. The associate pastor preached yesterday because the senior pastor is on vacation. He did a good job, but I had a hard time relating to what he was saying. I was listening carefully and really trying. Maybe I just had too much going through my mind. The whole time, I was worried about what kind of impression I was making and that's not a normal thing for me. I don't want to go to a place where I feel like I'm under the microscope. The people were nice, but it all seemed so superficial. I think I just miss my friends and the sense of familiarity.
We went to a barbecue at the house of one of my husband's former coworkers from Sioux City. They moved here 3 years ago and seem to be doing well. It was strange because he never used to socialize with his coworkers. She told me she'd met me once after my daughter was born, but I don't remember it. I felt bad for that. We had a decent time, though. Their kids got along well with ours and we were able to make small talk. I don't know if I could picture us spending a lot of time with them, but it was a good way to spend the afternoon, It's difficult to make "couple" friends when we aren't much of a couple right now. When our private conversations are largely stilted and filled with miscommunication. Maybe it'll get better.
I spent the rest of the afternoon working on homework, went to pick up printer cartridges, then took my daughter to VBS at the "new" church. I don't know how long we'll end up attending there, but they're doing the same theme for VBS that we just finished with and my daughter was excited to go. She knew all of the songs and motions for them and I got to just sit there and watch her instead of worrying about preparing for classes. It was a lot of fun. When the group separated into their respective classes, I took the time to work on math. We're working on fractions right now and, although I understand them, I needed to spend more time practicing how to work the problems. It's been a long time and it takes awhile to get where I can do them without having to carefully consider each step of the process. At one point, the associate pastor sat down and talked with me for a few minutes.
Apparently he's aware of our problems because my husband has filled him in. Even in the short amount of time we've been here, the word is spreading and I have no control over it. How many people does he need to tell in order to feel like he's getting the help he needs? Honestly?? OK, so I guess this guy is going to mentor him. I'm supposed to fill out some stupid personality profile so he can get a better idea of what kind of person I am. Why in the hell doesn't anybody just talk to me and, perhaps, listen to me? OK, that was my tirade. Anyway, he asked me what I was working on, so I told him. He also asked how long I'd been in school. Two weeks. He said, "Good for you. That means it's still new and fun."
What I wanted to say was, you're not catching me at my best right now because I just found out that my husband has been confiding in you, though I don't really know how much he's said and that pisses me off. In addition, you don't know a thing about me. If you did, you'd realize that school is going to be fabulous for me. It's a great thing to go to a place where the expectations are clearly outlined. Where I'll get clear feedback on my performance and it's something I know I can do, so maybe it'll be mostly positive feedback. Like most men, I'd guess he doesn't have a clue what it takes for women to stay home and raise kids in the world we're living in. How much personal strength and conviction it takes when you know a lot of people determine a person's contribution to society by what kind of job they do. Not only that, but what I've done with my kids can't always be measured in the here and now. It will be years before it's clear whether or not I've done a good job with them. Even that won't necessarily be an indicator because they have minds of their own. Who knows how much of what they choose is based on what I taught or based on them doing stuff they know they shouldn't?
So, will the novelty of school wear off for me? Maybe, but maybe not. It's not that he was being unkind. It's just that I still can't determine a man's motives for sitting down and talking to me. It has to do with that damned personality profile, too. I don't want to have a neat little label slapped on me and be filed away under "introvert" or "extrovert". I don't want to be defined by whether I'm a concrete vs abstract person. Those questions are subject to a person's mood at the time they take them and I'm just not in a very good mood right now. I'll shake it off. I'll make the hard choices, but I don't really need anyone else offering their input. Dealing with the counselor is hard - especially when she tells me things I don't want to hear. I'll take them into consideration and still do the right thing, even if it's painful. I won't take everything she says as gospel. I will still think for myself because, in the end, I'm the one who has to live my own life.
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The Weekend
2007-07-23
My husband, daughter, and I went to pick up our son from camp on Saturday. That was very awkward and probably my fault. We'd had a chance to go to a concert a few weeks back and I told my husband I didn't want to go with him. We have a great deal of history to draw on to give me my reasons. He's not the type to let loose and have a good time. I'm not sure why that is, but he sits there like an immovable stone at concerts while everyone else is up and clapping and making noise to show their enjoyment. He never seems comfortable and makes his discomfort known. My friend Roxanne and I have made mention of it and how it can suck the joy out of the experience for everyone else. It's sad, but I've learned to tune him out in those situations.
That's only half of it. The other half is the logistics of actually getting to a concert. Riding in the car is a point of contention. My husband likes to listen to talk radio. Not just any talk radio. Dr. Laura and the like. Radio personalities who may be speaking the truth most of the time, but deliver it with zero compassion. People who talk more to hear their own voice and show how much they know than to actually help the people they're talking to. I'm sure it gets old listening to people and I bet it's easy to become cynical and jaded, but in that case, maybe they should find a new line of work. The whole ordeal makes me want to gouge out my eardrums. I'd much rather listen to music - positive music that gives me a sense of hope. I like to sing along, too. I'm no professional, but my voice isn't bad and it's fun. My kids do the same thing and we all have a great time. My husband doesn't like loud music (another reason live concerts tend to be troublesome). He says it gives him a headache. When I say loud, I mean barely above a whisper. It's not that I want it to be unbearably loud. I just want to hear the words and the melody above the road noise. Again, my kids are of the same mindset, but the three of us have to bend to his will, as with most things. I'm pretty flexible, but hours of talk radio has a tendency to test my limits.
All that having been said, I suggested that we all go to pick up my son. It was my effort at extending the olive branch. We should've discussed our expectations before we left. I tolerated the talk radio for a good long time. I'd started the day off weapy, through no fault of his, and tried to take the time to get back into a better mood by being quiet and thinking it through. He'd ask me questions from time to time, trying to engage me in conversation I guess. I answered the questions as they came, but didn't really elaborate or try to move forward with the conversation. The girl was asleep in the back and, truth be told, I rather wanted to sleep as well. Somehow this sent a personal message of rejection to him and things went from bad to worse. He didn't say anything, just stopped talking to me at all. In fact, he acted like I wasn't even there. To make matters worse, one of his friends called along the way. It's one of those people he's confided in about his side of all of our problems. This person gives him advice based on what he's been told. I can't blame him for that, but the advice is generally to treat me like crap and I don't think that's productive. When we got to Storm Lake, my husband shut the engine off, got out of the car (taking the keys with him), and went to talk to someone else. Fine, but it was a pretty hot day to be sitting in the car. He didn't even check to see if our daughter was OK. He just left her to me.
I'm a big girl and can take those things in stride, so I got the girl out of the car and walked around with her. It was a long drive and she needed to stretch her legs anyway. We walked over to him, he picked her up and walked away without saying a word to me. It wasn't unintentional. Again, I'm a big girl and can handle it, but it doesn't foster a feeling of good will. We got our son and his belongings collected, went for lunch, then stopped to look at the lake before we left. I was a good girl and actually reached out to hold his hand while we walked. It's so very hard for me to make those gestures right now, but I have to remember that it's not just about me. I know it made a positive difference to him, but he can't just leave things that simple. He pushes the limits. I've tried to talk to him about it, but most of my words fall on deaf ears. The counselor talks to him and he hears her, sometimes acknowledges that I've said the exact same thing to him, and it lasts about a day or two before he's doing what he wants instead of what he should.
I'm trying very hard to be understanding through all of this. I know he's hurting and doesn't understand much of what I'm saying. It's frustrating when I tell him exactly how I feel and why and he won't take my word for it. He consults his books, his friends, the counselors, and sometimes God, but he doesn't take my words at face value unless he hears them reiterated by someone else. He's the first one to harp on the issue of respect in reference to how I should treat him, but he doesn't seem to understand that the way he generally deals with me communicates disrespect. All I ever wanted was to be treated like a valuable human being. That comes from listening and responding to the things I say. Not because everything I say is so amazing, but because listening is a huge part of communicating. If you don't listen, you're left to make assumptions about a person instead of seeing them for who they are. Maybe if he'd do that with me, he'd realize that the assumptions he's made about me are wrong. Maybe he'd understand that I'm not the horrible person he thinks I am.
We made it throught he ordeal, but I felt like I'd given up something of myself in the process. I'd felt this way before and resented it. Those experiences kept piling up, along with the resentment. I'm not going to react that way this time. I did what I thought was right. It didn't turn out the way I hoped, but that's his to own, not mine. He may never be able to look past what he needs and wants. He may never surrender his own will, but I can't let that be my problem. I have plenty of my own stuff to deal with.
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Hits
2007-07-21
I sure wish I could figure out this "visitor" counter thing. It says I've had 155 visitors today, but they're all unidentified. Either somebody is really bored, or that thing isn't working properly. Maybe it just got stuck for awhile. Who knows? I should probably put the girlie to bed. She's not even remotely tired, but we have to get up early for church. I don't know why, but nearly all of the churches around here hold their services at the butt-crack of dawn. OK, so I'm not a morning person and I probably shouldn't have phrased it that way. Back in a little while.....7 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
It's A Jungle Out There
2007-07-21
I live on Forest Ct, so it shouldn't surprise me when I'm outside and see the odd raccoon or possum, but I was just outside standing around and a deer walked right past me on the way to the neighbor's house to eat their tomatoes. A good neighbor would've probably scared it away, but I was enjoying watching it too much. Guess I'll have to share my tomatoes with them when they ripen :)1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
My Turn!!
2007-07-20
50 (give or take) Off The Wall Questions1. What do you say most when you're trying NOT to curse?
What?? I'm an adult!!
2. Do You Own An Ipod?
Yes, but it got wet, so it doesn't work :(
3. What Person Do You Talk To The Most?
God - He's not as judgemental as my cats.
4. What Time Is Your Alarm Clock Set To?
7:30am for no apparent reason at all
5. Do You Want To Fall In Love?
I want to fall off the planet half the time
6. Do You Wear Flip-Flops When It's Cold?
Sure, but I'm more of the Doc Martens type - I'm not above wearing them with socks if it's really cold, but rest assured they're eye-catching socks!
7. Would You Rather Take The Picture Or Be In The Picture?
Be in the picture. Not because I'm narcissistic, but I've been up and down on the scale since I had my first child. I'd rather my kids be able to see I was there for the big events and see that we had fun rather than just assume I was the one taking the pictures all of the time.
8. What Was The Last Movie You Watched?
Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants - And I'm not ashamed to say I bawled like a baby!
9.Do any of your friends have kids?
Many of my friends are kids, albeit the grown-up variety
10. Has Anyone Ever Called You Lazy?
I call myself lazy - it's why I'm so efficient. Why do more work than you have to?
11. Do You Ever Take Medication To Help You Fall Asleep?
Not so much to fall asleep, but to sleep without dreaming.
12. Are you a cuddler?
Yes, very much - with the right person.....
13. Do You Prefer Regular Or Chocolate milk?
Why would anyone want to breastfeed from a cow?
14.Has Anyone Told You A Secret This Week?
People tell me secrets all the time. I'm a good listener and I don't generally tell other people's stories.
15. When Was The Last Time You Had Starbucks?
Why?? What have you heard??
16. Do you know anyone who lost their dad within the last year?
Yes
17. Do You Have A Trampoline In Your Back Yard?
I wish!
18. Do You Think People Talk About You Behind Your Back?
Sure they do, I've given some of them lots of reason to.
19. Did you watch cartoons as a kid?
Yes, but I remember them being better than they were. I watched the Smurfs not too long ago and found it rather disturbing. Was it always that way?
20. What Movie Do You Know Every Line To?
Labyrinth - David Bowie in tights and a wig....
21. What CD is in your car stereo right now?
Heaven In The Real World by Steven Curtis Chapman
22. What's your fav. song on that cd?
All of them, but "Burn the Ships" is the one I've been hitting repeat on the past couple of days.
25. Does anyone like you?
I like me. I'm good enough, and smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me....
26. Do You Do Your Own Dishes?
Was that optional? Why didn't anyone tell me it was optional?
27. Ever Cry In Public?
Yeah, all the time lately.
28. Have you told a secret to someone this week?
Yep, but it was my secret to tell.
29. Who was your first love?
Puppy Love - Kris Bohling
Grown-up Love - the Bishop, I'm afraid
30. Do you think you could ever be in love?
Again? Don't really know yet.
31. Would You Ever Marry Anyone Covered In Tattoos?
I'm already married and I have more than one tattoo. Does that count?
32. What Did You Do Before This?
Post something else.
33. When Was The Last Time You Slept On The Floor?
A couple of weeks ago
34. How Many Hours Of Sleep Do You Need To Function?
Sleep's a waste of time. I'll get plenty when I'm dead.
35. Do You Eat Breakfast Daily?
Can't eat first thing in the morning.
36. Are Your Days Full And Fast Paced?
Only as much as I want them to be until school kicks in full time
37. What are you doing right now?
What are you doing right now??
38. Do you use sarcasm?
Do you breathe?
39. Have You Ever Been In A Fight?
I've instigated at least one.
40. Are you picky about spelling and grammar?
If I answer "yes", then I have to go back and proof this damned thing!
41. Have You Ever Been To Six Flags?
Yep - prefer the water park
42. Have you ever been beaten up?
No, thankfully
43. Do You Get Along Better With The Same Sex Or The Opposite?
Gender isn't necessarily a relevant factor.
44. Do you like mustard?
Pardon me, but do you happen to have any Grey Poupon?
45. Do You Sleep On Your Side, Stomach, Or Back?
I toss and turn, but I heard somewhere that the best way to flatten your tummy is to have someone lay on it....
46. Do You Watch The news?
Nope - gives me a feeling of hopelessness. I do try to keep up on current events though. It's much more entertaining learning about them through word-of-mouth
47. How Did You Get One Of Your Scars?
Cigarette burns when I was little
48. Last person to make you mad?
Mean people suck!!
49. Do you think you are someone's first love?
Yes. Maybe more than one person's.
50. What is the last thing you want to do before the day is over?
Close my eyes.
51. Do you sing to your kitties while they eat?
No, but I dress them up and wheel them around in a baby carriage. OK, I haven't actually done that since I was 4, but it's funny to think about an adult doing that!
52. Do you sleep in a rocking chair?
No - a papasan chair. I just got two of them for my living room because I've loved them since I was little.
53. Ever dyed your hair purple?
No, but purple is definitely my color and I've always wanted to. I did do a pretty vivid shade of red that turned out almost fuschia two years ago at Christmas
54. Ever jumped off a roof...clapped your hands and said, "Yay for me!?"
No, but I swear I met someone at Walmart tonight who did. He even had the broken arm to prove it - with an orange cast. You can't make these things up.
55. When's the last time you got drunk?
Not sure, but I think I was cheating on Cap'n Jack with Captain Morgan.
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