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Trying Not To Look Back

2007-12-27

To say this past year has been difficult would be woefully inadequate.  I've faced a lot of major life changes and done so with about as much dignity as I can muster.  If I dwell too long on any one of them, I'd get bogged down in a swamp of self-pity.  Instead, I'm going to shelve as much of the tough stuff as I can and do my best to look forward.  I'm facing a few more major life changes, but I'm hoping and believing that the future will be much better than the past. 

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Pre-emptive Strike

2007-12-12

I was thinking I'd be filing for divorce after the first of the year.  Get the holidays out of the way and just take the plunge.  My husband told me tonight that he has an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow morning and will be taking care of that part of things himself.  He said the lawyer could work with both of us (I'm not too sold on that) and we'll just get it taken care of.  We had a fairly reasonable conversation - no shouting or slamming doors.  Just simple, practical questions from me and direct, unemotional answers from him.  I don't know if this is the calm before the storm or an indication of things to come.  Either way, I'll enjoy it for what it is now and worry about tomorrow when it comes.

I'm not thrilled over this news.  It gives me no great happiness to think about the past 13 years and how everything is about to change (despite how bad things have been), but I'd be a liar if I said I don't feel some semblance of relief.  I'm sure I'll do some crying when this all sinks in.  I don't imagine the moment when I get served with papers will be a celebratory occasion.  Even still, if this stops us from hurting each other or our kids anymore, then it's the right course of action.

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Blah!

2007-12-11

The closer it gets to Christmas, it seems the more down I am.  I know there's plenty of rational explaination - this has been one of the most difficult years in my life thus far.  I'm on the verge of divorce, I'm living in a different city away from my friends and family, I've placed a lot of pressure on myself with school, finances are tight and looking to get much tighter, my heart feels empty and full at the same time, I'm struggling hard to be grateful about the things I know are good in my life, and I feel like I'm on the edge of bursting into tears at any given moment in the day.  As hard as this past year has been, this is almost worse.  I can't even put a finger on what exactly is bothering me.  So, I'll go back to blogging and see if I can't sort it out a little.

I've been in counseling since a couple of months after we moved here.  I was dragged there because my husband was convinced there was something wrong with me that needed to be fixed.  He knew this was true because we didn't magically turn into the happy family he anticipated the minute we were all living under the same roof.  I'll admit I've contributed plenty to the situation, but I can't carry all of the blame for what's happened.  It's gotten to the point where it doesn't really matter who started what or who added to the problem.  The basic fact is that I no longer want to be married to him.  The time I spend in counseling now is devoted to making peace with that decision and moving ahead with it.

The counselor didn't talk me into this.  No church pastor, family member, or friend helped me make this decision.  I came to this conclusion with the help of some objective observation, but the decision is all my own.  It has taken me years to get to this point - years of unhappiness, lonliness, and a sense that I was missing out on the deeper connection that should be at the center of a marriage relationship.  Maybe the relationship we had is enough for some people.  Maybe it's always been enough for him and always would be, but it's not enough for me.  If I'm going to share my life with someone, I want it to be with someone who sees the best in me and encourages me towards that end.  I don't want to be put on a pedestal - just appreciated for all of who I am, faults and all.  I want to feel the same about the person I'm with.  I want to be excited about building a life together and confident that we'd have each others' back.  If I were to continue in my marriage, I'd go down a path that leads further and further away from what I want and need.  Not only that, but I'd be stuck in a toxic relationship that would eventually suck me dry and poison a lot of other relationships in the process (as it already has).

I had a friend a few months ago talk to me about the Christian women in her life that she admired.  She spoke of women who hold their heads up high, regardless of circumstance, and find a way to "bloom where they've been planted".  I think that's a wonderful and admirable way to go through life.  I've been beating myself up for months because I haven't found a way to do that in my own life.  Everybody struggles at one time or another in their marriage.  Everybody experiences pressure, whether from outside sources or from within.  Lots of women find ways to balance the stresses and responsibilities in their lives and still manage to experience some measure of joy.  So why haven't I been able to do that? 

If it were just me and my children, I think I probably could.  It's not that I'm excited about getting divorced - far from it.  That's really hard for me to come to grips with.  I hate the way my husband and I communicate.  I hate how he treats me and I hate how I feel about myself when I get done having a conversation with him.  I don't want to live like that.  I don't want to be with someone who treats me like dirt and wonders why I don't worship the ground he walks on.  The whole thing makes me feel angry and helpless and frustrated and miserable.  Why, then, is it so hard to toss in the towel and just accept defeat?  I DON'T KNOW!  THIS SHOULD BE A NO-BRAINER!  Is it just fear?  Is it simply the fact that I've lived my whole adult life with him and haven't ever had to make decisions on my own?  Am I so afraid that I couldn't make it on my own? 

In my lucid moments, I can see how our relationship has existed all this time.  He brought home the paycheck.  I took care of the finances, the housekeeping, the child-rearing, the cooking, the home maintenance, the social calendar, worked off and on outside the home, and fostered what little good will we had between us.  In all the years we've been married, he's never once taken the initiative to relate better to me, to dig deeper into my heart & mind, or love me in a way that was meaningful to me.  According to everything he's told me, his only responsibility was financial.  You know what that makes me?  An accountant, a maid, a nanny, a personal assistant, a chauffer, and a whore.  Of course, I can't just call myself a nanny because I honestly love my kids for the simple fact that they're mine.  I even like them a whole bunch. 

It's the whore thing that I keep getting stuck on.  My husband has said that his "love language" is touch (what guy's isn't?).  Furthermore, he can't understand or accept love without touch.  If I don't touch him the way he wants when he wants, it means I don't love him.  The part about discovering my love language and loving me in a way that's meaningful to me was largely left out of the equation.  What does come up often in conversation is how he's fulfilling his responsibility in the marriage by bringing home that paycheck.  Seriously, isn't that basically prostitution?  I guess none of it really matters, except that I find the whole thing incredibly depressing.  It makes me sad to know that my husband didn't think it was worth the effort to discover how much of a difference he could've made if he'd only tried.  Instead, he made excuses, made other plans, told lies to me and about me, and squandered so many chances to try something different with the hopes that different actions would produce different results.  I had that hope.  I tried to get him to share in it.  It made no impression - my words made no difference whatsoever.  

So why do I still feel the need to explain myself?  Why do I still go through the justification process?  Sure, he says he's changed.  Says he WANTS to be my husband.  His words have always sounded "right".  But are his actions consistent with those words?  NO!!!  Grown-ups don't throw tantrums on a regular basis.  Adults do not repeatedly speak out in whatever emotion they happen to be experiencing in the moment and worry about apologizing later.  Adults think before they speak.  They walk away and take a breath when they're angry so they don't say things they'll regret.  They aren't always perfect, but the times they do the right thing outnumber the times when they make poor choices.  They learn from their mistakes and make better choices when the opportunities arise.  I'm expected to do all of that.  Why do I feel bad about having the same expectations?      

 

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