[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!It's Monday!!
2007-04-30
Everyone else may hate Monday, but I thought it would never come. It's hot as the hinges of hell outside and I love that, too. I've been driving around all day with the windows down and the A/C off. I had iced coffee for breakfast and it's been a pretty good day. If the weather holds the rest of the week, I'm going to lay outside on my back deck where nobody can see me (because nobody should have to look at that) NAKED. That's right, folks - I've finally shaken off my idiotic inhibitions to the point where I can do that. If you aint seen it by now, you might as well just pack it in, so y'all can just kiss my lily-white ass. OK, that sounded a little hostile, but I've just always wanted to say it. Get it while you can, 'cause it won't be white for long. In the immortal words of Aerosmith: I want a tan where the sun don't shine! I will use some low level of sunscreen, though, because there are some body parts you really don't want to get fried!3 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Beauty Of The Bride
2007-04-28
Opening my eyes I see
The answer to my soul's great need
To belong, to be more than what I am
A stunning new reality
Unfolding now inside of me
I'm a part of the beauty of the bride
My belongingness
Was bought by His faithfulness
Was purchased with His blood
Chorus:
We will see Him coming
With His arms held open wide
Captivated by the hidden beauty of the bride
Sooner than we know
And all at once He will appear
And we will finally be made one
At last we'll hear the Bridegroom calling "Come"
Homeless now, I'll soon be home
Lonely now, but never alone
With a thirst to keep myself for Him
He has made his purpose clear
Choosing now to leave me here
Still I long and I wait to hear His call
My belongingness
Was bought by His faithfulness
Was purchased with His blood
The Spirit and the bride say "Come"
And let the one who hears say, "Come"
And to all who thirst, now let them come
Chorus
We will finally be made one
When we hear the Bridegroom call
Calling "Come"
That's the song that has been going through my mind tonight. "The Beauty Of The Bride", by Steve Green. It has been an extreme day. Extreme ups and downs. It started this morning with the counseling meeting with the pastor. Again, I cried all the way through. I want to have hope. I believe in God's word and I want to be obedient. I want to be pleasing to Him. A lot of words were exchanged, but I don't know if any progress was made. I went to pick up my daughter afterwards (the pastor's daughter was babysitting her at their house) and was glad to see that the pastor's wife was home. She welcomed me in and gave me a big hug. She saw my obvious distress and encouraged me to do something completely off the wall. We went out and bounced on their trampoline for awhile. It was really fun. I've missed fun. After that, we went and had our nails done. We talked a little about the counseling meeting, but mostly about unrelated stuff. It was just what I needed.
The afternoon was pretty unremarkable. I went shopping and bought some items to make center pieces for the mother/daughter dinner at church. I also made plans to go out with a friend this evening. We went to dinner and then to see the movie, "The Invisible". It was a great movie in terms of holding my interest, but the ending was dreadful. Dreadful, but appropriate for my mood. Sometimes life just doesn't have the neat little happy ending to the traditional love story. I cried at the end. I'm not sure if that was the desired effect, but that's how I felt. After the movie, I dropped my friend off at her car, picked up my daughter, then went home. That's where the rest of the fun began.
I had another marathon talk with my husband. It started late, which wasn't something I wanted to do, but the situation required immediate attention. I don't know if he heard or believed what I had to say, but at least I spoke the truth and I feel like I did it in love. My heart is still broken, but I think I'm making personal progress. I know I've asked to be forgiven of my sins. I know I've been forgiven and that I'm a new creation in Christ. It's been revealed to me that I'm still hanging on to the Bishop in some areas, but as painful as it is, I'm letting go. It's taken awhile and I'm sure I will continue to deal with some things, but I know that the decisions I've made so far are honest. They will be decisions I can adhere to. God is dealing with me in the areas where I'm still weak and I'm so grateful. It hurts to be dealt with, but it's necessary. I have to let go of the things that still hinder me.
I want to be the beautiful bride the song is referring to. I want to feel beautiful and clean and pure. I want to be equally captivated by God - so much so that I'm no longer distracted by the Bishop or any other man. I want my husband to be able to see me the way Christ sees the church and be captivated rather than repulsed. I want to be able to respect him and respond to that love. We're definitely not there yet. We're so far from it that the only reason I have any hope comes from the basis for this song. I'm frightened that my husband won't be able to share the vision. I'm frightened of emotionally investing in it the way I should for fear he's already given up. He's flirting with disaster right now and I can only follow the advice of a friend who reminds me that I have to give him up to God. God will love him the way He loves me and He'll deal with him the way He is dealing with me. No matter what my husband chooses, I'm still responsible to be obedient and choose what is right.
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What I Want
2007-04-26
I spoke with my pastor this afternoon. My husband and I are supposed to meet with him on Saturday morning for more torture - I mean marital counseling. The last meeting went okay to begin with, but then deteriorated and ceased to be productive after awhile. My husband started asking specific questions about some of the interactions I've had with the Bishop since January and I just started sobbing. Answering his questions doesn't serve any positive purpose for him. When he asks them, it just brings all of the emotional turmoil to the surface and I can do nothing more than sit and sob. I can't talk about how I feel or what I want because it's all wrong. If my rule of conduct is to speak the truth in love, then I should just keep quiet right now. I'm profoundly aware of how words stay with you and cause pain long after the initial emotionally charged moment passes. I don't want to talk about how I feel right now because it's irrelevant and because it's just plain mean. Not because I want it to be, but because years of anger and hostility between my husband and I have slowly eroded whatever good things I felt towards him. We're both to blame for that, but what do we do about it? I'd like to be able to just let the past go and start right where we are right now. Neither of us can change how we've acted towards each other in the past, but we're supposed to be working to change those behaviors. At least I think that's what we're supposed to do. Beyond that, I just don't know. I'm so tired, confused, frightened, and overwhelmed that it's impossible for me to have any kind of perspective right now. I don't know how to work on my relationship with God, knowing how much of my thinking I need to alter, and still have anything left for trying to figure out what it really means to be a wife. I honestly don't know how. I know how to be many things, but a wife isn't one of those things. So far, the best advice I've received in dealing with my husband came from a guy who did his homework and told me what kind of emotions I could expect my husband to exhibit and which Bible verses to consider when I reacted to him.
The pastor asked me to try to put into words what it is that I want my husband to do so that I can make personal and spiritual progress. I'm not entirely sure what would help at this point, let alone how to vocalize it. I just get really tired when I think about it. I'm going to try to get some sleep right now and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
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Strength
2007-04-25
I believe in God the Father - maker of heaven and earth
And in Jesus Christ His only Son
I believe in the virgin birth
I believe in the Man of Sorrows bruised for iniquities
I believe in the Lamb who was crucified and hung between two thieves
I believe in the resurrection on the third and glorious day
And I believe in the empty tomb and the stone that the angel rolled away
He descended and set the captives free
And now He sits at God's right hand and prepares a place for me
(Chorus)
This is my creed - the witness I have heard
The faith that has endured
This truth is assured
Through the darkest ages past
Though persecuted, it will last
And I will hold steadfast to this creed
I believe He sent His Spirit to comfort and to reveal
To lead us into the truth and light, to baptize and to seal
I believe that He will come back the way He went away
And receive us all unto Himself, but no man knows the day
I believe He is the Judge of all men, small and great
The resurrected souls of men receive from Him their fate
Some to death and some to life, some to their reward
Some to sing eternal praise forever to our Lord
God inhabits the praises of His people. I want to be the one described in the last line of the song. Music is the most amazing thing - no matter where I am or what I'm doing, music makes life better. I wrote last night, while in a horrible mood, that the meaning has evaporated. It really seemed like that, but the cloud lifted for awhile today. I did something stupid earlier in a moment of weakness that I'm sorry for. There have been times in my life where I've done/said similarly stupid things and spent the rest of the day beating myself up over it; replaying the scene in my mind trying to figure a way out. Not today. It started that way, but I realized what I was doing and put a stop to it. I can't tell the person I'm sorry, but I can tell God. I can just say, "God, you know my heart. You know I did something I shouldn't have, but I can't take it back. All I can do is tell You I'm sorry, hope the other person will consider my weakness and be forgiving, and then choose not to repeat the mistake. I am sorry. Although my intentions were good, the application was all wrong. I won't do it again."
Sometimes I've said I wouldn't repeat a mistake, knowing I probably would. Other times, I've said it with conviction. This is one of those times. So, let it go and keep pressing on. I do believe everything in that song. "Creed" by Petra. I can hear it playing in my head as I read the lyrics. I can sing it with conviction.
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Skin - Vanity Possession
2007-04-25
Now that I know how to do this little picture trick, I thought I'd get a little carried away. The first image is of my (as opposed to someone else's) feet. On my left foot, 50 stars in a wave pattern around my ankle and down my the top of my foot. On the right, a Celtic love knot with the moon and 3 stars on the side (see image 2). On the top of my foot, I have music notes for the song, "You Are My Sunshine" that lead down to the picture of the sun. Image 3 is of my wrists. My right wrist has a harp with Philippians 4:13 around the inside of the wrist. The left is a Celtic cross with Philippians 4:8 in Celtic lettering. My 5-yr-old daughter took the pics with my cell phone. Not too bad, eh?
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The Chairs
2007-04-25
This is what I spent my weekend slaving over. Not too bad for a first try at painting furniture. The characters came out of books by David Shannon called, "Alice The Fairy" and "No David!".
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42 Lame Answers
2007-04-25
LAST PERSON/PEOPLE
1. you were out with?
my friend Brenda
2. you spoke to?
my daughter
3. you were on the phone with?
my friend Pat
4. you smsed?
nobody
6. you thought was hot?
the Bishop
7. you bitched with?
Brenda
8. you yelled at?
my fat cat
9. you wrote a testimonial to?
Stargazer
10. you took a photo with?
my daughter
_______________________________________
HAVE YOU EVER
11. told someone he/she was hot?
Repeatedly
12. stared at someone for more than 2
minutes without realising?
inadvertantly and on purpous
13. bitched about more than 3 people
in a conversation?
probably, but mostly turning it around and being frustrated with myself for allowing them to provoke me
14. been in love?
Deeply
15. harshly dumped someone?
Definitely - sometimes that's what it takes to get the point across
16. wanted to kill someone?
Yep - savored a fantasy about beating someone with a hairbrush once, but I'm much better now
17. been called an emo?
Decidedly not!
18. cried because you were angry?
among other things, yes
19. yelled at someone til the person
cried?
not proud, but yes
20. liked someone of the same sex?
Yes, much to my surprise
_______________________________________
WOULD YOU CHOOSE
21. to spend your birthday with 5 best
friends or 20 good friends?
20 good friends if it was a party, but 5 best friends if it were a weekend getaway
22. flowers or chocolates on
valentine's day?
Neither - a deep, passionate kiss like he means it.
23. nutella or peanut butter on toast?
peanut butter?? Ughh!!
24. drums or guitar?
Yes
25. a sexy sports car or a huge mpv?
I want a Hummer!!
26. to break someone's heart or to be
heartbroken?
In the end, does it really matter? It all hurts.
27. be alone or accompanied by others?
I'm told if you do that alone, you'll go blind. No, seriously, I like to be around people as long as they want to be there.
_______________________________________
DO YOU
28. believe in true love?
Profoundly
29. own an ipod?
yes - a mini
30. have a diary?
Both a paper journal and my blog
31. have more than 500 friends in your
friends' list?
No, I don't get around THAT much, no matter what anyone says.
32. wish you were someone else?
No, just wish I were with someone else
______________________________________
WHAT IS
33. your most valued possesion(s)?
I have a lot of things I enjoy, but I could live without them. It's people who matter.
34. the object that is closest to you
now?
My keyboard - duh!
35. the last thing you do before going
to bed?
Pray, think about the Bishop
36. the first thing you think about in
the morning?
Think about the Bishop, pray
37. your favourite vanity posession?
My skin - the ink, that is. I like that it draws people's attention, even though that's not why I had the tattoos put on.
_______________________________________
LAST THING
38. you bought during a shopping spree?
More Sensual Amber bath & body stuff - the smell reminds me of something....okay, someone
39. you ate?
Whole wheat pasta with pesto sauce and mashed potatoes
40. you bought for someone else?
a pack of gum
41. someone got you?
a fabulous leather jacket
42. that someone said which made you
laugh?
My daughter said it smelled bad in the garage because of the rain. When we got back home she said, "It's not so bad, once you get used to it!"
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What A Friend
2007-04-25
Standing here it's cold and rainy
I keep hoping someday maybe
The sun will shine
Day by day I keep on dreaming
There must be more to believe in
Somewhere, someone
Then You stand by me
And I see Your mercy
I cry and finally surrender
What a friend we have in Jesus
Knowing You will never leave us
You are the light inside my soul
I want You to know
I love You so
Darkness will come and try to hide the truth
But I will say that I believe in You
When I stop and think of heaven
And all the beauty that I'll live in
How can it be?
Though I tried, I know I hurt You
All You've been is faithful and true
I'm unworthy
Yet You died for me
Now I am Yours for eternity
What a friend we have in Jesus
Knowing you will never leave us
You are the light inside my soul
I want You to know
I love You so
Darkness will come and try to hide the truth
But I will say that I believe in....
I know You're here to guide me
You are always right beside
Until I see You face to face
Then You stand by me
And I see Your mercy
I smile and thank You forever
It is cold and rainy today. That song is called, "What A Friend" by Greg Long. A pressing reminder that God loves me where I am. I'm unworthy, yet He died for me. I just need to keep looking for His mercy - past the pain, which can be transformed into something beautiful. Grab on to His hand and never let go.
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Irrational
2007-04-24
Yippee! It's time for another mood swing. No rhyme or reason. Angry girl is back. Mad at the world. Mad at God. Mad for all the wrong reasons. I feel like throwing myself on the floor and beating it with my fists, all the while screaming, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"
What about me?
It isn't fair
I've had enough, now I want my share
'Cause you see
I want to live
But you just take more than you give.
My little theme song for the evening. I didn't see him. I didn't talk to him. I didn't have any particular event or item trigger a memory. It's just everything. I miss him. I MISS HIM. And I want him back. I want to be the one who holds him. I want it all. Knowing it's irrational and wrong makes precious little difference when I'm lying here cold and alone. Makes no difference at all when I'm out shopping because I'm shrinking and my clothes aren't, but I won't buy anything. There's no joy in trying anything on because I don't have anyone to wear it for. I don't have the reaction to look forward to.
I'm tired. I'm tired of measuring my words carefully. I'm tired of swallowing all of the words that shouldn't be said. I'm tired of listening and internalizing all of the nasty things being said to me and about me. I'm tired of the meaningless apologies for those nasty things. I'm tired of hearing, "But I didn't mean it." I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm so very tired of the pain.
There's no room for rational thought in this place. It was raining when I woke up this morning. I love the rain, but there was no joy. I threw my very favorite warm fuzzy purple bathrobe on over my nightgown and took my son to school. I forgot to put my glasses on. I've never driven out of my garage without glasses or contacts. I didn't even care enough to go back for them. My vision isn't that bad, but I still ended up with a headache from not wearing them. I didn't care about that either. I left the school and made a beeline for Starbuck's - still without my glasses and still in my pajamas. I walked inside without a care for how I was dressed. There was someone at the counter waiting to buy coffee beans. She commented on how much she appreciated the fact that I was relaxed to the point that I could walk in there in my bathrobe and seem perfectly comfortable. She was right, too, and she meant it honestly instead of it being a dig. Under any circumstances, I would be comfortable wearing whatever I feel like and going wherever I want. I've been to the movies more than once in pajamas and had a marvelous time. Normally, I'd enjoy the reactions, but not today. Today, I didn't care. I just got back in my van and drove away with my coffee.
What's wrong with me? Even when I was involved with the Bishop, I could sing songs and really mean them. The meaning seems to have evaporated. It was raining again when I was finished teaching music lessons this evening. The sun was starting to shine through the clouds and I prayed for a rainbow because I could really use a reminder that God keeps his promises. A rainbow appeared shortly after that, and still no joy. I prayed an apology. It's never enough, is it God? I know I'm acting and thinking like a spoiled child tonight. Where is the hope? Where is the hope?
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Hit On Me
2007-04-23
I woke up weepy and whiney this morning. The story of my life as of late, but I was glad it was Monday. I took my son to school, then my daughter, then got my requisite cup of nectar of the gods (Starbuck's). After that, I was ready to face the day. I even brought a cup of coffee home for my husband. So much for cruel and mean, eh? I folded some clothes and really thought I was in for a blah sort of day, but my phone rang as I was picking my daughter up from preschool. It was a friend of mine asking if I might like to go out to lunch. Hmmm.....go home and do mind numbing housework and try to convince myself I made the right decision with the Bishop, or go stuff my face with a friend? No brainer!
We went to a Mexican restaurant because it was the first thing I suggested and she doesn't like having to decide. It turned out to be quite an experience. The guy who seated us kept coming back to our table to check on us. He admired my new tattoos and asked what the scripture references were. He filled my water glass a couple of times and was very attentive all the way around. Finally, he asked me if I was married. I was wearing a wedding ring and had my daughter with me, but apparently that wasn't a deterrent. Neither was telling him I'm married. My friend played the part of my mother and told the guy my husband is a cop, but he still didn't get the hint. I had to admire his persistence, but come on! Did I inadvertantly send out some kind of signal? Since when is making eye contact and smiling an open invitation for unwanted sexual advances? I wasn't dressed provocatively, I wasn't flirting, and I have Bible verses tattooed on my arms. What made him think I was even remotely accessible?
The Bishop and I had conversations about this. I told him I get a lot of attention from men. It's not that I'm particularly attractive. I don't have any obvious facial deformities, but I've also never been described as classicly beautiful. What I do have going for me is the fact that I'm comfortable in my own skin. I walk with my head up, I make eye contact, I'm confident I can carry on a fairly intelligent conversation, and I smile. I like to meet new people and I'm a good listener because I'm genuinely interested in what people have to say. OK, I know how to move, too. I'm clumsy, so I walk with one foot literally in front of the other in order to keep from tripping. My friend Pat pointed this out to me and compared it to the way models walk on the runway. She also observed that walking the way I do makes my hips move in a suggestive manner. I suppose if you put all of it together and look through a man's eyes, you might get the picture my Doc friend paints of me. He says I ooze sensuality. The Bishop says the body is neutral. I asked him why it is that you can dress two women who are built similarly in the same dress, stand them side-by-side, and find that they wear the dress completely different.
I wasn't really conscious of how I carry myself until Pat shared her observations after following me upstairs one time. Since then, I started paying more attention to other people's body language. Maybe the body is neutral, but that doesn't mean every gesture is intentional. I certainly wasn't asking to be hit on today. Truth be told, with where I'm at personally, getting hit on wasn't even a welcome ego boost. I thought being happy was what drew people to me. Now I'm not so sure. I'm definitely not happy right now. The attention was meaningless. I know it's wrong, but I'm still at the place where I don't want anyone paying that kind of attention to me except the Bishop. What am I supposed to do with that realization?
I blame him. He wanted to be the only man in my life. He wanted me to want only him. He is captivating enough to hold my attention even now, when I'm not with him and haven't been for quite some time. I don't set out to think about him, but I find my thoughts turning towards him time and time again. I'm sure he's moved on in his thinking, so why can't I? Why am I still so stuck on him? I've been doing all the right things. Reading my Bible, listening to Christian music, surrounding myself with people who will speak the truth in love, squelching the wrong thoughts as they come in to my head, praying like I never did before, finding distractions and listening to other people to get my mind off of him, listening to hear God speak. I'm trying to be patient - both with myself and with God to make His purpous clear. I stepped out of the boat and fixed my eyes on Him, so why am I still sinking? Why does He look so much like the Bishop? Am I still deceived?
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Incredible Moments
2007-04-20
I've been thinking today about why a person gets married. Trying to figure out why I got married and what I expected it to be like. I can't really remember. I was watching an old CSI Miami episode where one of the characters is accused of murdering her ex-husband. She had motive because he'd been abusive, yet she had difficulty explaining her relationship with him to the police. She wasn't the one who killed him and at the end, she was sitting with the box containing his personal effects trying to steel herself to look through them. When she finally does open the box, sitting on top is a picture of the two of them together looking happy. She's trying to reconcile the pain of losing him, despite how horrible he'd been to her and she realizes that they had some incredible moments together even in the abuse.
It got me thinking about what I would describe as the incredible moments in my life and who I've shared them with, if anyone. Looking back, I'd have to say I was alone, with close friends, or with the Bishop when I've felt like things were incredible. Especially the more recent things. I remember being in the hospital after my daughter was born. I had a C-section and she was extremely small for gestational age, so I didn't get to hold her right away. When I did, my husband was gone from the hospital for reasons I can't even remember. The nurse who brought her in to me was the one who took the picture of the first time I held her. I've been alone a lot throughout my marriage and not just because of the situation with my husband working out of town. I was drawn to the Bishop because he offered me the most intimacy I'd ever experienced with a man. I know the circumstances were wrong and that he shouldn't have been the one doing that for me. He was supposed to be experiencing that in his own marriage and so was I.
I definitely haven't had that kind of connection with my husband. I'm still not sure it's possible. Still, I've felt like I was a Christian and that God was a part of my life. He hasn't been the center of my life the way He should've been, but there were times when I'm sure I felt His presence and heard His voice in answer to my prayers. Maybe not audibly, but certainly inside of circumstances. Even in being a believer, I've still been lonely. The hole in my life isn't only God-shaped. Part of what's missing has been someone to be there to share those incredible moments. Someone who shares a love with me so deep that what's important to me is also important to them and vice versa. It's a sad thing to be married to someone who simply takes up space in your life instead of being an integral part of it.
I look at my friends who are older and widowed. A lot of what they miss in their lives is being able to take for granted the fact that they always have someone to go to dinner or to a movie with. Although they have plenty of friends who'd go with them, it's not an "us" thing. It's not the same as knowing you have someone who will be next to you to face whatever life throws at you. I've had the physical presence of someone some of the time, but it's so much work to coax him into going anywhere that it's not been worth it. I started going to events and basically living life alone or with friends because dragging him along sucked all of the joy out of it. I didn't have any energy left to muster enthusiasm for the things I love because I'd exerted so much of that energy on convincing him that what I wanted was worthwhile. I don't understand why anyone would want to be that way, even about the simplest things.
That having been said, I'm trying to be fair about this whole moving thing. It's such a huge thing that I'm really having trouble thinking about it. I can't put it off forever, but I'm not sure I have the strength to face all of the ramifications of this move. I don't want to be horrible and negative about it, but where do you draw the line? I'm not looking forward to it. I don't think it's the magic bean that's going to fix everything. I'm still going to love the Bishop. The problems in my marriage are going to move with us and probably be magnified because we'll be together all of the time. If it's this bad on Fridays, knowing I'm going to spend the weekend in tension with him, how much worse is it going to be when I no longer have any time to myself? Any privacy to cry and then pull myself together without having someone picking me apart for it?
I'm the one who doesn't have the vision this time. I can't see how this could be a good thing. My heart is broken and the losses continue to mount. First, the Bishop. Accepting that has been excruciating, but I'm taking the steps and trying to retrain my heart and mind to live without him. Forever in my heart, but never again in my life. That's the most painful thing to face. I'm taking it on faith that I'll make it through without him and find some way for my life to be good again. OK, so now that I'm on that path, I'm going to have to leave all of my friends behind as well. And then what? Then I'll be with a man full-time who views me and treats me like a hostile enemy who's only goal in life is to think up new and greater ways to inflict pain on him.
You know, I'm really starting to get pissed off about that. I mean really - I'm a creative, intelligent, and relentless woman. When I set my mind to doing something, I do it way above and beyond what most people would consider good enough. I strive to be better than "good enough" in just about everything I do. I think other people would say the same about me. I listen to my husband grasp at straws trying to come up with examples of my cruelty. When he says them out loud, I'm astounded that my actions have been so badly misinterpreted. I'm weary of having to explain myself yet again about things that seem so insignificant, but I do it anyway. Then, I start to get angry that he thinks everything I do is about him. I think about those pathetic examples and I get livid that he thinks I can't do any better than that at making him miserable. I'm a perfectionist and over-achiever and if I really was the way he describes, then he'd have a whole new appreciation for what the word "misery" means. If I were pouring my energy into crushing him emotionally, then he'd be too wrapped up in that misery to be able to point a finger at me. I grew up with a manipulative mother and I know just how these things can be done. Maybe I should do as he accuses just to show him the difference between his misperceptions up to this point and the reality of the situation.
I'm not really going to do that. It was just fun to think about for a minute. He really does underestimate me. I'm capable of so much more than he thinks, both good and bad. It's a shame he can't see that. I wonder if he ever will. OK, enough time spent in my head. Time to go paint the chairs that should've been done on Monday. They'll be a week late in getting finished, but they'll be worth it, I hope.
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Paradox
2007-04-20
I was just reading about how our time on earth is a limited quantity. It's something that's been pressing on me lately. Oh one hand, it's a relief because it means that eventually the pain will end. None of this is permanent and I'm glad. I wouldn't want to remain trapped in this body, in this life forever. That alone should give me a little more perspective to help me claw my way out of my current state of despair. It helps, but there's the other side of the arguement that keeps getting at me.
The other side is that because our time is limited, we shouldn't waste it stuck in miserable situations that seem unlikely to change. That's a pretty compelling argument. Especially right now when I'm trying with everything to rely on God and do what He says is right and all I want to do is decide for myself what changes are going to take place in the next few weeks. I don't know if things would be better if I got divorced or worse. I think it would be nice to have time to consider the lessons I've learned through all of this - the things I've learned about myself, and then make a choice. I still feel like a walking time bomb emotionally. So conflicted about so many things that I'm sure to explode at some point. What is that point?
I have a friend who suffered with an emotionally abusive husband for 10 years. It eventually ended in divorce and she hung on to the bitter end. Was that God telling her to stay with him, or could she just not accept the idea of being alone and having to find a new way to define herself? Right now, she's involved with a guy who just got off of house arrest. Even though a part of her knows that she was dumped on for years, she's still blind in some ways. She's going after this guy who is obviously not a good match for her - who will probably hurt her and make her as miserable as her husband did. Why is she doing that? I'm struggling within myself over forgiveness and I wonder if the same thing isn't at the root of her issues.
I look at my husband and I see many things. I see the image he presents to other people. It's the "nice guy" image that draws people in and convinces them he's the victim right now. He has been betrayed in a fundamental sense. I did that and I take full responsibility for my actions. I also fully believe that the circumstances leading up to what I did contributed to my decisions. So, as a result, I see my husband as a bit two-faced. He has huge expectations for how I'm to behave and treat him and he makes it abundantly clear that he thinks I've failed. Not only that, but he's pretty convinced I set out to make him miserable. That I spend my free time thinking up new ways to inflict pain. This is his belief about the one he vowed to spend the rest of his life honoring and cherishing. What happened to that? But he doesn't acknowledge that he might have some changing to do. I'm pretty angry right now about this double standard where I'm supposed to be the good wife and he's sitting back waiting to be served without any evidence that he has responsibilities in this. That anger compels me to consider if I might just be better off without him. I'm not sure I can muster up the kind of respect he believes I owe him. That line of thinking could become very destructive. I've tried to be honest with myself through this. It's not easy because it means facing all of the ugliness, the excuses, the justifications, the wrong choices, and the way my actions have gone against the way I would describe myself. Still, I have to be honest. In doing so, I have to ask myself what would happen if my husband really did change? If he stepped up and worked hard at becoming the man I could honestly love and respect? I would lose all of those excuses and I'd have to work even harder at being the kind of person I should be. That's a scary proposition until I think that it would probably be a whole lot easier to change if I had someone who believed the best about me encouraging me. I believe I'm working towards that on my own and that I'll get there, regardless of the circumstances. I also believe my husband is a big hinderance to that spiritual development and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.
There's still a lot to be worked out in my mind, but my daughter is up and clamoring for attention and breakfast.
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I'm Not Dead Yet, So I Must Be Getting Stronger?
2007-04-19
I managed to make it through another day. My son was late for school this morning because his alarm didn't go off and I over-slept too because my daughter had trouble sleeping last night. We got home late after church and she was way too tired to sleep soundly. I let her sleep with me after she woke up the second time. Big mistake because I never sleep well when she's with me. It might have something to do with the fact that she kicks like a mule in her sleep. I'm not being facetious - she actually kicks out with both feet just like a donkey. We get to sleep in a little in the morning, though, because my son doesn't have school and the girl doesn't have to be at preschool until 9. Yeah! Then I can go to Starbuck's without feeling guilty because I don't have yoga and the pool is closed.
I started sorting through things in my craft/sewing/computer room downstairs today. My friend Roxanne came over to help. I was glad she was here because I don't think I'd have been motivated to do anything on my own and, even if I had, I'd have sat there bawling instead of working. I did a little of that anyway. It was something stupid and seemingly insignificant that set it off. At preschool, they took little paper telephones and wrote the kids' phone numbers on them and laminated them so the kids could memorize their number. The teachers sent them home when they finished that project. It was in the room waiting to be filed in my scrapbooking stuff. Roxanne picked it up and I went from calm to hysterical within just a couple of seconds. We've had the same phone number for 10 years.
I'm not usually so sentimental, but my emotions are so close to the surface already and I just can't seem to get a grip. My whole life is changing and, unless I choose to get divorced in the next few weeks, I have little say in those changes. I don't know how I'm going to get through all of this without breaking down completely. With God's help? Is He really listening? Does He really care?
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Pictures
2007-04-19
OK, so I've learned some questionably useful skills and uploaded pics to my profile, including ones of the new and existing tattoos, so I guess today hasn't been a complete waste. I have to get kids to bed, then maybe I'll have some time to reflect.1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
I Hate Jelly Beans
2007-04-18
I'm in an ugly mood tonight. I've got a bunch of wrong thoughts about the Bishop bouncing through my head and I really just want to go with them. I'm tired of fighting against them. I'm tired of trying to do the right thing and getting socked in the stomach (figuratively) every time I do. I'm whiney and miserable and I want what every human wants - the soft place to fall. His strong arms wrapped around me and his shoulder to rest my head on. He told me he was proud of me when we talked last for finally standing up for what's right. I want him to be proud of me. I want to be strong and tough and resolute, but I don't feel like that right now.
I was doing laundry this afternoon in preparation for putting away my winter clothes. I still have a couple of his shirts. I found myself getting teary-eyed over it and I knew right then that I'll be crying those same tears when my winter clothes come out again. Even if I get rid of his shirts, I'm still going to have all of my own and the memories that go with them. Memories of buying certain things because I wanted to look good for him. Memories of him taking said clothing off of my body. I have no idea where I'm going to be in 6 months when it gets cold again. I don't know how things are going to work out with my marriage. Even if things are better, I know I'll still be thinking about the Bishop. Maybe not as often, but he'll still be there in the back of my mind. Thoughts of him are with me every morning when I wake up. I have to remind myself every day that I can't see him, talk to him, touch him. I have to give him over to God in those waking moments. I think it should be getting easier by now. I want him to be happy. I want what's best for him. I miss him.
I took my kids to the circus last night. I was glad to do it because I didn't get to go when I was little, so I might even enjoy it a little more than the kids. I was actually surprised my 13-yr-old son wanted to go. I picked up one of his friends to go with us and one of my friends & her kids joined us there, so we all had someone to sit and talk to. It was a great time. One of my favorite acts was a clown act - something out of character because I don't really like clowns. He came out with a bunch of stuffed animals and a giant cardboard key. He wound the first one up and, when it didn't go anywhere, he kicked it to the other side of the ring. He did this with a couple of others until he got to a "stuffed" elephant. He wound it up and it actually started to move. It was a dog in an elephant costume and it was really pretty funny. I thought about the Bishop and how he'd probably not appreciate being dragged to the circus, but I think he'd have thought the little dog was funny too. I imagined what it would be like to look over at him sitting next to me and exchange a smile before leaning in to kiss him.
I've been really good about not thinking about the physical aspect of our relationship because it brings up such intense memories, but there I sat thinking about it at the circus, of all places. Life definitely does play strange tricks on us. Tomorrow is another day and I have a lot to get done. Things I don't want to get done - like preparing to pack up my life and move to another city. A city that's larger with so many more things going for it, or so I'm told. There was a time when I would've been excited by the change. Right now, I'm just emotionally drained from telling a couple of my friends about selling the house. I hate that more than anything. I told my friend Roxanne yesterday when I picked up my daughter from her house. She gave me a hug and I just started to sob. I thought about all of the times we've gone places on the spur of the moment. All of the ice cream we've laughed and cried over. Picking strawberries, attending concerts, teaching preschool classes at church, sewing costumes for the Easter pageant, visiting her dad in the hospital when he had a stroke, bottle feeding her baby goat when she went out of town, sitting paralyzed in fear while her german shepherd tried to climb in my lap, lighting her blanket on fire on the 4th of July, the crazy shopping trips, the near-death experience with her shellfish allergy, trips to Omaha to see movies and go to the zoo.
Here I sit sobbing again. I'm miserable and lonely and I have absolutely no control over my life and the only thing left in the Easter basket is jelly beans and I HATE jelly beans (except, on rare occasion, the black ones). I have a lot of friends here and it's going to be like this with each one of them. I'm really not OK.
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Ink
2007-04-18
Well, I did it. I went yesterday and got a tattoo around each wrist. I think they turned out beautiful. Feminine and personally meaningful and right. I love them. I was a little nervous about getting them around my wrists because the weather is getting warmer and they'll be visible right away, but I've never wanted to hide the ones around my ankles because I put careful thought into them as well, so why should these be any different? I'm sure I'll hear a lot of comments - especially at church, but I did them for me, so I think I can handle whatever I'll hear. Mostly what I've heard about the ones that I have now is that people like them. Even the older people who seem like they'd be more condemning have made positive comments. In fact, some have said they wished they'd had the courage to get them when they were younger. I feel fortunate that the stigma is slowly fading and I'm living in a time where I don't have to hide for fear of total rejection. I'm not sure it would've been a deterrent anyway, but it's still nice. Maybe I'll get ambitious and figure out how to post pictures so I can show them off.6 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Dropped Connections
2007-04-16
I've had the worst time with my internet connection the past few days. I'm hoping it will hold out long enough for me to post without losing all of my ever-so-cheerful words.
The papers were signed today for the sale of our house - at a loss until the realtor fees get paid by my husband's company. I signed under duress, but what choice did I have? How I wish I could feel even a modicum of peace in this decision. In any of this situation, really. I cried most of the weekend and most of the day today and none of this has even sunk in yet. I've only told one of my friends so far because it's too overwhelming for me to deal with and I can't handle their reactions and my own just yet. So, for tonight, I'm just trying to avoid thinking about it at all.
Someone told me yesterday that I'm beginning to look positively skinny. I told her it's all water weight that's coming off from shedding so many tears. Since the body is 80% water, I'm not likely to run out any time soon. Incidentally, I wouldn't recommend this particular weight loss program. It's ironic, but a few months ago I actually wanted to shed a few pounds. Now that I am, I couldn't care less. My friend Pat would say that life plays strange tricks on you. I think she's right.
I was listening to a friend today tell me about what she's doing for her daughter-in-law for her birthday. She has two sons, whom she loves dearly, and who are both grown and married now. She has the best attitude towards her daughters-in-law. She has cultivated a relationship with them that amazes me. It's all in the details. She has spent a considerable amount of time getting to know them and making them feel like they're just as much a part of her family as her sons. What a tremendous gift for her to give and for them to receive. I told her as much. I admire the way she's chosen to embrace them without any of the awkwardness that can and often does exist between people who are brought together through marriage. She has enough confidence in the way she's raised her sons that she trusted them to make good choices in selecting their brides. Her acceptance of those women reinforces those marriages. A good life lesson.
I'm not really heading in any direction with this tonight. I think I'm in shock. I'm afraid of how bad I'm going to crash when the shock wears off. I'm afraid I'm going to turn into Humpty Dumpty. In the midst of all of this, my son came home today and told me he'd found a shell casing at school. I did my best to balance out his fears with a rational explanation of how it could've gotten there, but it made my blood run cold to think about the implications. I'll never forget his first day of middle school. I felt like I was throwing him to the wolves when I dropped him off. They had an assembly a couple of weeks ago where they were trying to educate the kids about safety in traveling to and from school. They told the kids to take a different route periodically in case someone were watching them and tracking their habits. If the unthinkable happened and a parent were trying to pinpoint when/where a child came up missing, it would be a lot harder if the child varied their route. It seemed like a catch-22 situation. My heart breaks for the victims and families of today's shooting. My heart breaks for the loss of that sense of security parents are supposed to feel when they send their kids to school. We live close enough to my son's school that he could easily ride his bike back and forth, yet I find myself driving him most of the time. Sometimes I think I'm coddling him, but I don't do it to save him from expending the effort and braving the elements. I do it for my own peace of mind. I know I can't protect him from every eventuality, but I want to do what little I can.
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Human Touch
2007-04-15
I just spent over 3 hours on the phone with a friend. I need human companionship. Not casual contact. Not a "Hi, how you doing?" thing. I need depth and understanding and a listening ear. I'm a thinking, feeling, and reasoning (if not reasonable) creature. Yes, I want a physically intimate relationship as well, but more than that is the need and desire for emotional intimacy. I don't do well without it. When left to my own devices, I could probably exist alone for a long time. I think I'd do OK on a deserted island with only a volleyball for a companion. It's not what I thrive on, though. I'm at my best when I have someone in my life who challenges me to think differently, see things from a perspective I hadn't considered, who brings up topics of conversation that I wouldn't necessarily have addressed otherwise. That's a lot of why I miss the Bishop so much. I miss listening to him talk about the things that are deep down important to him. I miss him doing the same for me. I miss comparing notes on beliefs, perspectives, ideas, and what we like/dislike. I miss the hours on the phone of easy communication.
I hate the tortured, stilted conversations I have with my husband. I hate that I couldn't contradict a lot of things he said to me earlier because they were true. I don't need him. I could find someone a whole lot better suited to me than him. I could replace him with someone who'd be easier to deal with. I can't say why I haven't taken steps to do that already. I don't know. All I know is that I'm still trying not to say the things that come into my head that would be hurtful to him. I don't know which is worse, though. Silence or spiteful words. I don't mean them to be spiteful. I'm trying to have faith that, just because I don't feel like I love him right now, I won't ever be able to feel love for him. Love is a choice? There's just so much I still don't understand. I'm broken-hearted and don't feel like I have the emotional strength to try to fix a situation that is so daunting as to seem hopeless. I'm going to try to get some sleep for now. Hopefully some of these thoughts will stay with me and I can try to sort them out into something coherent after I've gotten some rest. I'm so tired.
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Subconscious
2007-04-15
I still dream about him. I just woke up from a dream where the Bishop spent the night with me. We talked a lot and just held each other. Oh, to feel his arms around me. But it can't be, so more crying, I suppose. I have a band concert today - my last of the season. Maybe my last one at all. We got another offer on our house yesterday. It's still too low, but I don't guess my husband cares. I'm trying to think it's going to be a good day. Maybe if I just don't think at all.1 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Not OK
2007-04-13
It's Friday and my emotions are completely out of control. My husband is coming home - on his way right now and I'm not OK. I don't even know how to get from where I'm at to being OK. See, every Friday the tension starts to build again until he leaves to go back to work on Monday afternoon. We haven't had sex in months. Not since before I came clean about the affair. It's been so awful. Our sex life was dismal before this happened and I don't want to go back to that. Not after having been with the Bishop. I know why it's become such a big deal for me, but I don't know what to do about it - short of getting drunk and getting it over with. I used to be able to sleep with whomever I fancied. In college, casual sex was all just part of the experience. Now, I don't want to have sex. I want to make love. I want the physical aspect to be an extension of the emotional connection and there isn't any connection. That text message today just sent me over the edge. I didn't reply to it. I don't even know how to respond. If I tell him what I was thinking when I received it, then it's pretty much over for us. Is it over anyway? How am I going to ever be with him and not think about the Bishop? How am I going to be able to tolerate his touch without comparing? How am I ever going to believe that he loves me and want more than just a warm body to satisfy his physical needs? I wasn't supposed to talk to the Bishop again. I should've been past this point by now, but answering the phone set me back so much further than I realized. I think I have to tell my husband at least some of what's been going on because, otherwise, he's going to lose patience and take what he wants by force or just divorce me. Probably the latter. He has good reason. I cheated and I'm the one who's defiled. My emotions don't line up with that and I feel like I'm so far down the well that I'll never be able to claw my way back to the surface. I've prayed and read the Bible and tried to take it to heart. I still don't have a heart understanding of everything, but I've been trying. The problem is that I just don't have that much uninterrupted time to deal with this. Maybe that's not the problem at all. I've been avoiding some of it because it's so painful that all I can manage to do is cry. I can't seem to get past this hurdle. I don't even know if I care. I don't know if I believe it's worth staying married. I don't know what the lies are anymore. Does it line up with what God says? I don't know. I don't know how to make this decision and let my emotions catch up without feeling like I'm going to become irreversibly damaged in the process. Does it really all just come down to sex for a man? Why would any man be patient and wait for a woman he despises anyway? I don't have the right to ask for it. I don't have the right to ask to be treated like I'm worth something. I'm trying to see myself through God's eyes, but God's not the one I have to sleep with. He's not the one lying next to me at night feeling repulsed by and attracted to me all at the same time. My husband told me he finds me repulsive because of what I've done. I understand why. It's somewhat difficult to feel like making love to someone who says, "I love you" with the same mouth he spits out, "You disgust me". Sometimes those sentiments come out one right after the other. What am I suppose to believe? Do I believe what I'm being told - that men can't have an emotional relationship without experiencing the physical? Haven't women been told that all along? Isn't that what we're supposed to be fighting against? Believing a guy when he says, "I'll love you if you sleep with me." Is that love? Would somebody please tell me what the hell love is? How can I be a lady if I can't even figure out that one little thing? What does God want me to do? How am I supposed to endure what He wants me to do? I broke my promise to keep myself only unto my husband. What now? Am I just a worthless filthy rag to be thrown out? I don't know how I'm supposed to wade through all of this mess. Did I mention my husband was married before? What about that? Wasn't I an adulteress all along by marrying him after he got divorced the first time? I'm so confused. I don't even know where to find the answers to all of these questions that keep popping up. I've been asking God, but He hasn't exactly been speaking to me at full volume. My motives aren't pure and my heart isn't right and I don't know how to get there. I want to hide myself in Him, but you can't hide forever.3 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Driving Myself Crazy
2007-04-13
I've been a little down all morning, despite showering and dressing up. I thought maybe if I put some effort into my appearance that it would help, but it's not the outside that's the problem. It's all on the inside. The warring factions in my head - trying to think about "right" things instead of what I want. I understand that what I want is irrelevant. I understand that it doesn't help to dwell on things I can't change. Ugh!!
I got up earlier than usual this morning, cleaned my house to get it ready to show (again) and got the kids where they needed to be - relatively on time, even. Then, I went to Starbuck's. I had my coffee, did a little knitting, chatted with some sales guys, and then started thinking about things I shouldn't. Like how I believe the best way to drink coffee is out of someone else's (the Bishop's) mouth. I taught him that little trick while I was sitting on his kitchen counter. He was eating something repulsive - bologna or a hot dog, trying to get me to kiss him so he could push a little of it into my mouth, just to be ornery. He's that way sometimes and I miss it like crazy. So, I took a sip from my soda, pulled him close, pressed my mouth around his and showed him how to take a drink out of my mouth. It sounds a little disgusting, but it's really quite fun. We've done it with coffee, as well, and I miss that too. I miss a lot of things that I shouldn't be thinking about.
OK, so I'm having this guilty little breakdown in my self-control and I realize I've gotten a text message on my phone from my husband. "I love you. I was just thinking about you." Of course that started the water works because my first response was to consider sending him a little message telling him that I love the Bishop and I was just thinking about him. I didn't send it - would never send something like that. I'm really not a cruel person and I know that not all thoughts that pass through my head originate there. I've been doing fairly well at tossing out the things that don't belong in my brain. As I described before, sometimes those memories just creep up on me and starting playing in my mind before I even realize what's happening. My only defense against them at this point is to turn up the music really loud so I can't think at all.
My mind is just running in circles today. I guess it's time to go do something physical to try to work out my frustrations. It's Friday the 13th today and four weeks since I saw him last. Since I was with him last. There may come a time when I don't mark the passage of time by little things like that. I don't know whether to hope or fear for it. Time to go make my daughter lunch before I drown in my own pathetic misery. God, are you sure you don't want to just smite me from the earth right now, 'cause I don't know if I'm ever going to get this right?! I don't know if I'm ever going to make it out of the desert. Today, I don't even know why I keep wanting to try.
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Recent Posts
2007-04-12
If I click and order off of 1/2 of the recent posts listed, I'll be calm, hairy, fully erect, and completely numb for the rest of my life. Honey, have you seen my credit card??3 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
Indelible
2007-04-12
The marks are already on my heart. I've been working on the designs and I think I'm ready to have them put on my body. I've already written about what my current tattoos mean to me. That they serves as markers to remind me of things I've been through and lessons learned. The past few months have been some of the most significant in my life as far as lessons learned and things I want to remember. Even the pain. I know I won't ever forget all that's happened. Somehow, I feel like I need that physical reminder of the hope. The hope that I'll make it through and that, with God's help, I'm capable of learning and growing.
This morning, I spent some time sitting at Starbuck's going over some of the material I'd covered with the Bishop when our time was focused on what was right. Things I'd pondered before that didn't mean near as much as they do now. I'm glad I have those things to refer back to. They're a stark reminder of how far we both got off track spiritually. It was quite a slap in the face to read the things he taught and know we made decisions that were directly opposite of those teachings. He told me he'd reviewed tapes of classes he's taught in the past and how he still believed those things to be true, yet when all was said and done, he still wanted me. I still love him, but after reading through all of those verses that I'd looked up and copied down, I actually felt a little peace. Obviously I need to be reading those things if I ever expect to really heal, but I find myself hesitating. I still don't want to completely let go. I know I have to, but there's a part of me that's still holding on. I'm trying to be patient with myself and give it time. Trying to take the steps necessary to get back on the right track.
One of the sheets I was reading this morning had a cartoon on it that I'd drawn when I was in the Bishop's office. It's of a little stick figure running away from a vicious dog labeled, "driven" and running towards a sun labeled, "motivation". I remember the conversation we had concerning the difference between feeling driven to do things, as though the hounds of hell were snapping at your heels and feeling motivated to reach for something better; something beautiful. The memory was bittersweet. Maybe if we'd done things right, I'd still be able to see him and talk to him. If we'd done things right, I wouldn't know the pain I feel right now. Then again, the pain I feel right now is so intense because I compare it to how good it felt to be with him. Thinking in circles like that is just going to give me a headache. Instead, I'm going to try to get some things done before I pick my son up from school.
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Feedback
2007-04-10
As a "stay-at-home" mom, I don't get a lot of feedback for what I do in any given day. I'm expected to be self-motivated to get housework done, to spend time with my kids, to teach them everything they need to know to be ready to start school, to debunk some of the crap they learn at school, to notice when something is wrong with the house and fix it or get it fixed, to work on school projects, make costumes, transform the ordinary into the extraordinary, to get up when they cry at night, and a whole host of other things that I can't even name right now. I LOVE that about my life. I rise to the challenge of each new day because I am the consummate over-achiever and perfectionist. I like to push harder, do better, try to do things I've never tried before. Quite often, I succeed. I'm crafty, intelligent, excellent at time management, motivated, and more times than not, I work until the job is done. I do it because I love what it does for my kids. I do it for the simple pleasure of knowing I'm capable of learning new things. That I still have things to learn and I still want to learn them.
That having been said, I sometimes miss the feedback I know other people get from their paying jobs. Having a boss recognize my ingenuity or my efficiency in completing a task. That's part of why I enjoyed my time with the Bishop so much. His feedback was a tremendous help to me. A little external compass telling me if I was on the right track. Helping me face when I wasn't and showing me how to get back where I needed, all the while believing good things about me. I miss him so much tonight. I started writing this blog as a way of self-expression. I've always kept a journal - not every day, but certainly to record the major events in my life. The struggles and the joys. I can type faster and I've enjoyed the feedback on this web site. If I'm really honest, though, I was also writing to the Bishop.
He was aware of what I was doing and would occasionally read what I'd written. It was a way for me to communicate my heart to him in a way that I find comfortable and, sometimes, we'd get the chance to discuss what I'd written. I had been checking my visitor list before I checked messages, comments, or posted anything. I'd revel in seeing his name on my list. Even when he wasn't logged in, I had some hope that one of the "non-user" hits might have been him. I still feel this tremendous desire to communicate to him and a deep longing to hear his impressions. I know I broke his trust in the arena of communication, but I still find myself wanting to speak with him, to hear his voice, to just talk with him. It's always been so easy with him. I felt comfortable from the start. I tested him in a few areas by asking very personal questions. His honest answers allowed me to open up to him in a way I never had before. I miss that easy rapport. I miss bouncing ideas off of him and hearing his impressions. Even now, I'd give just about anything for my phone to ring. I know it's wrong. I wish there were some way it could be right. Stupid, fickle heart. Why can't I just say no and mean it? Does God care about this? Will He take care of this need too?
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Still Alive And Kicking
2007-04-10
I did better than just survive the weekend, but I haven't had the time (or privacy) to be able to record my impressions. I woke up this morning feeling like I was glued to the bed. It's taken me 10 minutes just to sit up. I've got to get to the pool this morning if I want a shower. The water heater died yesterday, so I'm completely without a means to bathe - unless I want to join the indoor polar bear club. No thanks! Hopefully I'll have time to post more later. I have a lot I want to write before I forget.2 Comments | Link to This | Back to top
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