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Beauty Of The Bride

2007-04-28

Opening my eyes I see
The answer to my soul's great need
To belong, to be more than what I am
A stunning new reality
Unfolding now inside of me
I'm a part of the beauty of the bride

My belongingness
Was bought by His faithfulness
Was purchased with His blood

Chorus:
We will see Him coming
With His arms held open wide
Captivated by the hidden beauty of the bride
Sooner than we know
And all at once He will appear
And we will finally be made one
At last we'll hear the Bridegroom calling "Come"

Homeless now, I'll soon be home
Lonely now, but never alone
With a thirst to keep myself for Him
He has made his purpose clear
Choosing now to leave me here
Still I long and I wait to hear His call

My belongingness
Was bought by His faithfulness
Was purchased with His blood

The Spirit and the bride say "Come"
And let the one who hears say, "Come"
And to all who thirst, now let them come

Chorus
We will finally be made one
When we hear the Bridegroom call
Calling "Come"

That's the song that has been going through my mind tonight.  "The Beauty Of The Bride", by Steve Green.  It has been an extreme day.  Extreme ups and downs.  It started this morning with the counseling meeting with the pastor.  Again, I cried all the way through.  I want to have hope.  I believe in God's word and I want to be obedient.  I want to be pleasing to Him.  A lot of words were exchanged, but I don't know if any progress was made.  I went to pick up my daughter afterwards (the pastor's daughter was babysitting her at their house) and was glad to see that the pastor's wife was home.  She welcomed me in and gave me a big hug.  She saw my obvious distress and encouraged me to do something completely off the wall.  We went out and bounced on their trampoline for awhile.  It was really fun.  I've missed fun.  After that, we went and had our nails done.  We talked a little about the counseling meeting, but mostly about unrelated stuff.  It was just what I needed.

The afternoon was pretty unremarkable.  I went shopping and bought some items to make center pieces for the mother/daughter dinner at church.  I also made plans to go out with a friend this evening.  We went to dinner and then to see the movie, "The Invisible".  It was a great movie in terms of holding my interest, but the ending was dreadful.  Dreadful, but appropriate for my mood.  Sometimes life just doesn't have the neat little happy ending to the traditional love story.  I cried at the end.  I'm not sure if that was the desired effect, but that's how I felt.  After the movie, I dropped my friend off at her car, picked up my daughter, then went home.  That's where the rest of the fun began.

I had another marathon talk with my husband.  It started late, which wasn't something I wanted to do, but the situation required immediate attention.  I don't know if he heard or believed what I had to say, but at least I spoke the truth and I feel like I did it in love.  My heart is still broken, but I think I'm making personal progress.  I know I've asked to be forgiven of my sins.  I know I've been forgiven and that I'm a new creation in Christ.  It's been revealed to me that I'm still hanging on to the Bishop in some areas, but as painful as it is, I'm letting go.  It's taken awhile and I'm sure I will continue to deal with some things, but I know that the decisions I've made so far are honest.  They will be decisions I can adhere to.  God is dealing with me in the areas where I'm still weak and I'm so grateful.  It hurts to be dealt with, but it's necessary.  I have to let go of the things that still hinder me.

I want to be the beautiful bride the song is referring to.  I want to feel beautiful and clean and pure.  I want to be equally captivated by God - so much so that I'm no longer distracted by the Bishop or any other man.  I want my husband to be able to see me the way Christ sees the church and be captivated rather than repulsed.  I want to be able to respect him and respond to that love.  We're definitely not there yet.  We're so far from it that the only reason I have any hope comes from the basis for this song.  I'm frightened that my husband won't be able to share the vision.  I'm frightened of emotionally investing in it the way I should for fear he's already given up.  He's flirting with disaster right now and I can only follow the advice of a friend who reminds me that I have to give him up to God.  God will love him the way He loves me and He'll deal with him the way He is dealing with me.  No matter what my husband chooses, I'm still responsible to be obedient and choose what is right.

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piper (2007-04-29)
It might be interesting and revealing to hear a blog from husband

Barnabus (2007-04-29)
I don't know why we guys have such a hard time being open and honest, but part might be from fear we will be taken advantage of? we might be seen as weak...we are, but don't want it to be seen....perhaps machoness comes into play, but that's really dumb, back to the fear...if I do this..it will be my lifetime job, and that's tough to overcome!

Doe (2007-04-29)
Oh honey, I hardly know what to say. I feel your pain and wish *I* could do something to help you. I keep telling you time will heal and I believe it will. I so hope that your husband will see you as you need to be seen and treat you as you need to be treated. Much love coming your way from here.

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