[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!What I Want
2007-04-26
I spoke with my pastor this afternoon. My husband and I are supposed to meet with him on Saturday morning for more torture - I mean marital counseling. The last meeting went okay to begin with, but then deteriorated and ceased to be productive after awhile. My husband started asking specific questions about some of the interactions I've had with the Bishop since January and I just started sobbing. Answering his questions doesn't serve any positive purpose for him. When he asks them, it just brings all of the emotional turmoil to the surface and I can do nothing more than sit and sob. I can't talk about how I feel or what I want because it's all wrong. If my rule of conduct is to speak the truth in love, then I should just keep quiet right now. I'm profoundly aware of how words stay with you and cause pain long after the initial emotionally charged moment passes. I don't want to talk about how I feel right now because it's irrelevant and because it's just plain mean. Not because I want it to be, but because years of anger and hostility between my husband and I have slowly eroded whatever good things I felt towards him. We're both to blame for that, but what do we do about it? I'd like to be able to just let the past go and start right where we are right now. Neither of us can change how we've acted towards each other in the past, but we're supposed to be working to change those behaviors. At least I think that's what we're supposed to do. Beyond that, I just don't know. I'm so tired, confused, frightened, and overwhelmed that it's impossible for me to have any kind of perspective right now. I don't know how to work on my relationship with God, knowing how much of my thinking I need to alter, and still have anything left for trying to figure out what it really means to be a wife. I honestly don't know how. I know how to be many things, but a wife isn't one of those things. So far, the best advice I've received in dealing with my husband came from a guy who did his homework and told me what kind of emotions I could expect my husband to exhibit and which Bible verses to consider when I reacted to him.
The pastor asked me to try to put into words what it is that I want my husband to do so that I can make personal and spiritual progress. I'm not entirely sure what would help at this point, let alone how to vocalize it. I just get really tired when I think about it. I'm going to try to get some sleep right now and hope that tomorrow is a better day.
surrogate (2007-04-27)
Good luck. Sounds like a very tough situation.
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