[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Irrational
2007-04-24
Yippee! It's time for another mood swing. No rhyme or reason. Angry girl is back. Mad at the world. Mad at God. Mad for all the wrong reasons. I feel like throwing myself on the floor and beating it with my fists, all the while screaming, "IT'S NOT FAIR!!!"
What about me?
It isn't fair
I've had enough, now I want my share
'Cause you see
I want to live
But you just take more than you give.
My little theme song for the evening. I didn't see him. I didn't talk to him. I didn't have any particular event or item trigger a memory. It's just everything. I miss him. I MISS HIM. And I want him back. I want to be the one who holds him. I want it all. Knowing it's irrational and wrong makes precious little difference when I'm lying here cold and alone. Makes no difference at all when I'm out shopping because I'm shrinking and my clothes aren't, but I won't buy anything. There's no joy in trying anything on because I don't have anyone to wear it for. I don't have the reaction to look forward to.
I'm tired. I'm tired of measuring my words carefully. I'm tired of swallowing all of the words that shouldn't be said. I'm tired of listening and internalizing all of the nasty things being said to me and about me. I'm tired of the meaningless apologies for those nasty things. I'm tired of hearing, "But I didn't mean it." I'm tired of the lies. I'm tired of the struggle. I'm so very tired of the pain.
There's no room for rational thought in this place. It was raining when I woke up this morning. I love the rain, but there was no joy. I threw my very favorite warm fuzzy purple bathrobe on over my nightgown and took my son to school. I forgot to put my glasses on. I've never driven out of my garage without glasses or contacts. I didn't even care enough to go back for them. My vision isn't that bad, but I still ended up with a headache from not wearing them. I didn't care about that either. I left the school and made a beeline for Starbuck's - still without my glasses and still in my pajamas. I walked inside without a care for how I was dressed. There was someone at the counter waiting to buy coffee beans. She commented on how much she appreciated the fact that I was relaxed to the point that I could walk in there in my bathrobe and seem perfectly comfortable. She was right, too, and she meant it honestly instead of it being a dig. Under any circumstances, I would be comfortable wearing whatever I feel like and going wherever I want. I've been to the movies more than once in pajamas and had a marvelous time. Normally, I'd enjoy the reactions, but not today. Today, I didn't care. I just got back in my van and drove away with my coffee.
What's wrong with me? Even when I was involved with the Bishop, I could sing songs and really mean them. The meaning seems to have evaporated. It was raining again when I was finished teaching music lessons this evening. The sun was starting to shine through the clouds and I prayed for a rainbow because I could really use a reminder that God keeps his promises. A rainbow appeared shortly after that, and still no joy. I prayed an apology. It's never enough, is it God? I know I'm acting and thinking like a spoiled child tonight. Where is the hope? Where is the hope?
Doe (2007-04-25)
The hope will return to your life again one day. It will.
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