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Hit On Me

2007-04-23

I woke up weepy and whiney this morning.  The story of my life as of late, but I was glad it was Monday.  I took my son to school, then my daughter, then got my requisite cup of nectar of the gods (Starbuck's).  After that, I was ready to face the day.  I even brought a cup of coffee home for my husband.  So much for cruel and mean, eh?  I folded some clothes and really thought I was in for a blah sort of day, but my phone rang as I was picking my daughter up from preschool.  It was a friend of mine asking if I might like to go out to lunch.  Hmmm.....go home and do mind numbing housework and try to convince myself I made the right decision with the Bishop, or go stuff my face with a friend?  No brainer! 

We went to a Mexican restaurant because it was the first thing I suggested and she doesn't like having to decide.  It turned out to be quite an experience.  The guy who seated us kept coming back to our table to check on us.  He admired my new tattoos and asked what the scripture references were.  He filled my water glass a couple of times and was very attentive all the way around.  Finally, he asked me if I was married.  I was wearing a wedding ring and had my daughter with me, but apparently that wasn't a deterrent.  Neither was telling him I'm married.  My friend played the part of my mother and told the guy my husband is a cop, but he still didn't get the hint.  I had to admire his persistence, but come on!  Did I inadvertantly send out some kind of signal?  Since when is making eye contact and smiling an open invitation for unwanted sexual advances?  I wasn't dressed provocatively, I wasn't flirting, and I have Bible verses tattooed on my arms.  What made him think I was even remotely accessible?

The Bishop and I had conversations about this.  I told him I get a lot of attention from men.  It's not that I'm particularly attractive.  I don't have any obvious facial deformities, but I've also never been described as classicly beautiful.  What I do have going for me is the fact that I'm comfortable in my own skin.  I walk with my head up, I make eye contact, I'm confident I can carry on a fairly intelligent conversation, and I smile.  I like to meet new people and I'm a good listener because I'm genuinely interested in what people have to say.  OK, I know how to move, too.  I'm clumsy, so I walk with one foot literally in front of the other in order to keep from tripping.  My friend Pat pointed this out to me and compared it to the way models walk on the runway.  She also observed that walking the way I do makes my hips move in a suggestive manner.  I suppose if you put all of it together and look through a man's eyes, you might get the picture my Doc friend paints of me.  He says I ooze sensuality.  The Bishop says the body is neutral.  I asked him why it is that you can dress two women who are built similarly in the same dress, stand them side-by-side, and find that they wear the dress completely different. 

I wasn't really conscious of how I carry myself until Pat shared her observations after following me upstairs one time.  Since then, I started paying more attention to other people's body language.  Maybe the body is neutral, but that doesn't mean every gesture is intentional.  I certainly wasn't asking to be hit on today.  Truth be told, with where I'm at personally, getting hit on wasn't even a welcome ego boost.  I thought being happy was what drew people to me.  Now I'm not so sure.  I'm definitely not happy right now.  The attention was meaningless.  I know it's wrong, but I'm still at the place where I don't want anyone paying that kind of attention to me except the Bishop.  What am I supposed to do with that realization?

I blame him.  He wanted to be the only man in my life.  He wanted me to want only him.  He is captivating enough to hold my attention even now, when I'm not with him and haven't been for quite some time.  I don't set out to think about him, but I find my thoughts turning towards him time and time again.  I'm sure he's moved on in his thinking, so why can't I?  Why am I still so stuck on him?  I've been doing all the right things.  Reading my Bible, listening to Christian music, surrounding myself with people who will speak the truth in love, squelching the wrong thoughts as they come in to my head, praying like I never did before, finding distractions and listening to other people to get my mind off of him, listening to hear God speak.  I'm trying to be patient - both with myself and with God to make His purpous clear.  I stepped out of the boat and fixed my eyes on Him, so why am I still sinking?  Why does He look so much like the Bishop?  Am I still deceived?  

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Mark (2007-09-03)
I have been doing a quick reading of your blog from February. About 20 years ago I also loved a woman and was obsessed with her. From the moment I laid eyes on her I knew she was “the one” After a 5 year relationship she left me and my life felt empty and broken. The logical part of my brain told me to move on, I think a complicating factor in my own situation was that the sex was the best ever and she was like a drug, a part of the reason we broke up, was all the other rubbish in life that you get thrown at you that forced us apart. But anyway, about 5 years after breaking up, I married a down to earth woman, not for love (because I could never love again) but just to break the deadlock inside me. (There were benefits for her as well.) 10 years later we are still married with 2 kids. I still don't love her as she deserves. All this time in some recess in my mind I had still thought I might get back with my former partner Any way 2 years ago I was under pressure from all angles and had a reality check. (I don’t know what it was, a breakdown, a bi polar episode an epiphany, a male mid life Crisis or what) Anyway after 15 years of reliving a dead relationship, you know the constant useless thoughts, (she used to like this or this is where etc,) I decided to try and do something about it and went to a hypno therapist who taught me a trick to get rid of unwanted thoughts. I am happier than I was and when I start thinking the same old tired thoughts I pull out my little trick and tell them to go away. It seems to work for me. Reading your blog also makes me wonder if your bishop consciously or unconsciously used some hypnotic tools on you. Sorry to post such a long winded entry. I just hope you can find some peace.

Doe (2007-04-24)
You need more time. I promise, time will take the edge off and make all this less painful. All the best :)

Elvenbeads (2007-04-23)
I think it can be really difficult sometimes to let go off the past. I myself, am learning this each new day. I think it's great that you are so sure of yourself. I wish i had a little of that confidence all the time. I have it sometime and sometimes not.

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