[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Incredible Moments
2007-04-20
I've been thinking today about why a person gets married. Trying to figure out why I got married and what I expected it to be like. I can't really remember. I was watching an old CSI Miami episode where one of the characters is accused of murdering her ex-husband. She had motive because he'd been abusive, yet she had difficulty explaining her relationship with him to the police. She wasn't the one who killed him and at the end, she was sitting with the box containing his personal effects trying to steel herself to look through them. When she finally does open the box, sitting on top is a picture of the two of them together looking happy. She's trying to reconcile the pain of losing him, despite how horrible he'd been to her and she realizes that they had some incredible moments together even in the abuse.
It got me thinking about what I would describe as the incredible moments in my life and who I've shared them with, if anyone. Looking back, I'd have to say I was alone, with close friends, or with the Bishop when I've felt like things were incredible. Especially the more recent things. I remember being in the hospital after my daughter was born. I had a C-section and she was extremely small for gestational age, so I didn't get to hold her right away. When I did, my husband was gone from the hospital for reasons I can't even remember. The nurse who brought her in to me was the one who took the picture of the first time I held her. I've been alone a lot throughout my marriage and not just because of the situation with my husband working out of town. I was drawn to the Bishop because he offered me the most intimacy I'd ever experienced with a man. I know the circumstances were wrong and that he shouldn't have been the one doing that for me. He was supposed to be experiencing that in his own marriage and so was I.
I definitely haven't had that kind of connection with my husband. I'm still not sure it's possible. Still, I've felt like I was a Christian and that God was a part of my life. He hasn't been the center of my life the way He should've been, but there were times when I'm sure I felt His presence and heard His voice in answer to my prayers. Maybe not audibly, but certainly inside of circumstances. Even in being a believer, I've still been lonely. The hole in my life isn't only God-shaped. Part of what's missing has been someone to be there to share those incredible moments. Someone who shares a love with me so deep that what's important to me is also important to them and vice versa. It's a sad thing to be married to someone who simply takes up space in your life instead of being an integral part of it.
I look at my friends who are older and widowed. A lot of what they miss in their lives is being able to take for granted the fact that they always have someone to go to dinner or to a movie with. Although they have plenty of friends who'd go with them, it's not an "us" thing. It's not the same as knowing you have someone who will be next to you to face whatever life throws at you. I've had the physical presence of someone some of the time, but it's so much work to coax him into going anywhere that it's not been worth it. I started going to events and basically living life alone or with friends because dragging him along sucked all of the joy out of it. I didn't have any energy left to muster enthusiasm for the things I love because I'd exerted so much of that energy on convincing him that what I wanted was worthwhile. I don't understand why anyone would want to be that way, even about the simplest things.
That having been said, I'm trying to be fair about this whole moving thing. It's such a huge thing that I'm really having trouble thinking about it. I can't put it off forever, but I'm not sure I have the strength to face all of the ramifications of this move. I don't want to be horrible and negative about it, but where do you draw the line? I'm not looking forward to it. I don't think it's the magic bean that's going to fix everything. I'm still going to love the Bishop. The problems in my marriage are going to move with us and probably be magnified because we'll be together all of the time. If it's this bad on Fridays, knowing I'm going to spend the weekend in tension with him, how much worse is it going to be when I no longer have any time to myself? Any privacy to cry and then pull myself together without having someone picking me apart for it?
I'm the one who doesn't have the vision this time. I can't see how this could be a good thing. My heart is broken and the losses continue to mount. First, the Bishop. Accepting that has been excruciating, but I'm taking the steps and trying to retrain my heart and mind to live without him. Forever in my heart, but never again in my life. That's the most painful thing to face. I'm taking it on faith that I'll make it through without him and find some way for my life to be good again. OK, so now that I'm on that path, I'm going to have to leave all of my friends behind as well. And then what? Then I'll be with a man full-time who views me and treats me like a hostile enemy who's only goal in life is to think up new and greater ways to inflict pain on him.
You know, I'm really starting to get pissed off about that. I mean really - I'm a creative, intelligent, and relentless woman. When I set my mind to doing something, I do it way above and beyond what most people would consider good enough. I strive to be better than "good enough" in just about everything I do. I think other people would say the same about me. I listen to my husband grasp at straws trying to come up with examples of my cruelty. When he says them out loud, I'm astounded that my actions have been so badly misinterpreted. I'm weary of having to explain myself yet again about things that seem so insignificant, but I do it anyway. Then, I start to get angry that he thinks everything I do is about him. I think about those pathetic examples and I get livid that he thinks I can't do any better than that at making him miserable. I'm a perfectionist and over-achiever and if I really was the way he describes, then he'd have a whole new appreciation for what the word "misery" means. If I were pouring my energy into crushing him emotionally, then he'd be too wrapped up in that misery to be able to point a finger at me. I grew up with a manipulative mother and I know just how these things can be done. Maybe I should do as he accuses just to show him the difference between his misperceptions up to this point and the reality of the situation.
I'm not really going to do that. It was just fun to think about for a minute. He really does underestimate me. I'm capable of so much more than he thinks, both good and bad. It's a shame he can't see that. I wonder if he ever will. OK, enough time spent in my head. Time to go paint the chairs that should've been done on Monday. They'll be a week late in getting finished, but they'll be worth it, I hope.
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