[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Paradox
2007-04-20
I was just reading about how our time on earth is a limited quantity. It's something that's been pressing on me lately. Oh one hand, it's a relief because it means that eventually the pain will end. None of this is permanent and I'm glad. I wouldn't want to remain trapped in this body, in this life forever. That alone should give me a little more perspective to help me claw my way out of my current state of despair. It helps, but there's the other side of the arguement that keeps getting at me.
The other side is that because our time is limited, we shouldn't waste it stuck in miserable situations that seem unlikely to change. That's a pretty compelling argument. Especially right now when I'm trying with everything to rely on God and do what He says is right and all I want to do is decide for myself what changes are going to take place in the next few weeks. I don't know if things would be better if I got divorced or worse. I think it would be nice to have time to consider the lessons I've learned through all of this - the things I've learned about myself, and then make a choice. I still feel like a walking time bomb emotionally. So conflicted about so many things that I'm sure to explode at some point. What is that point?
I have a friend who suffered with an emotionally abusive husband for 10 years. It eventually ended in divorce and she hung on to the bitter end. Was that God telling her to stay with him, or could she just not accept the idea of being alone and having to find a new way to define herself? Right now, she's involved with a guy who just got off of house arrest. Even though a part of her knows that she was dumped on for years, she's still blind in some ways. She's going after this guy who is obviously not a good match for her - who will probably hurt her and make her as miserable as her husband did. Why is she doing that? I'm struggling within myself over forgiveness and I wonder if the same thing isn't at the root of her issues.
I look at my husband and I see many things. I see the image he presents to other people. It's the "nice guy" image that draws people in and convinces them he's the victim right now. He has been betrayed in a fundamental sense. I did that and I take full responsibility for my actions. I also fully believe that the circumstances leading up to what I did contributed to my decisions. So, as a result, I see my husband as a bit two-faced. He has huge expectations for how I'm to behave and treat him and he makes it abundantly clear that he thinks I've failed. Not only that, but he's pretty convinced I set out to make him miserable. That I spend my free time thinking up new ways to inflict pain. This is his belief about the one he vowed to spend the rest of his life honoring and cherishing. What happened to that? But he doesn't acknowledge that he might have some changing to do. I'm pretty angry right now about this double standard where I'm supposed to be the good wife and he's sitting back waiting to be served without any evidence that he has responsibilities in this. That anger compels me to consider if I might just be better off without him. I'm not sure I can muster up the kind of respect he believes I owe him. That line of thinking could become very destructive. I've tried to be honest with myself through this. It's not easy because it means facing all of the ugliness, the excuses, the justifications, the wrong choices, and the way my actions have gone against the way I would describe myself. Still, I have to be honest. In doing so, I have to ask myself what would happen if my husband really did change? If he stepped up and worked hard at becoming the man I could honestly love and respect? I would lose all of those excuses and I'd have to work even harder at being the kind of person I should be. That's a scary proposition until I think that it would probably be a whole lot easier to change if I had someone who believed the best about me encouraging me. I believe I'm working towards that on my own and that I'll get there, regardless of the circumstances. I also believe my husband is a big hinderance to that spiritual development and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it.
There's still a lot to be worked out in my mind, but my daughter is up and clamoring for attention and breakfast.
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