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I Hate Jelly Beans

2007-04-18

I'm in an ugly mood tonight.  I've got a bunch of wrong thoughts about the Bishop bouncing through my head and I really just want to go with them.  I'm tired of fighting against them.  I'm tired of trying to do the right thing and getting socked in the stomach (figuratively) every time I do.  I'm whiney and miserable and I want what every human wants - the soft place to fall.  His strong arms wrapped around me and his shoulder to rest my head on.  He told me he was proud of me when we talked last for finally standing up for what's right.  I want him to be proud of me.  I want to be strong and tough and resolute, but I don't feel like that right now.

I was doing laundry this afternoon in preparation for putting away my winter clothes.  I still have a couple of his shirts.  I found myself getting teary-eyed over it and I knew right then that I'll be crying those same tears when my winter clothes come out again.  Even if I get rid of his shirts, I'm still going to have all of my own and the memories that go with them.  Memories of buying certain things because I wanted to look good for him.  Memories of him taking said clothing off of my body.  I have no idea where I'm going to be in 6 months when it gets cold again.  I don't know how things are going to work out with my marriage.  Even if things are better, I know I'll still be thinking about the Bishop.  Maybe not as often, but he'll still be there in the back of my mind.  Thoughts of him are with me every morning when I wake up.  I have to remind myself every day that I can't see him, talk to him, touch him.  I have to give him over to God in those waking moments.  I think it should be getting easier by now.  I want him to be happy.  I want what's best for him.  I miss him. 

I took my kids to the circus last night.  I was glad to do it because I didn't get to go when I was little, so I might even enjoy it a little more than the kids.  I was actually surprised my 13-yr-old son wanted to go.  I picked up one of his friends to go with us and one of my friends & her kids joined us there, so we all had someone to sit and talk to.  It was a great time.  One of my favorite acts was a clown act - something out of character because I don't really like clowns.  He came out with a bunch of stuffed animals and a giant cardboard key.  He wound the first one up and, when it didn't go anywhere, he kicked it to the other side of the ring.  He did this with a couple of others until he got to a "stuffed" elephant.  He wound it up and it actually started to move.  It was a dog in an elephant costume and it was really pretty funny.  I thought about the Bishop and how he'd probably not appreciate being dragged to the circus, but I think he'd have thought the little dog was funny too.  I imagined what it would be like to look over at him sitting next to me and exchange a smile before leaning in to kiss him. 

I've been really good about not thinking about the physical aspect of our relationship because it brings up such intense memories, but there I sat thinking about it at the circus, of all places.  Life definitely does play strange tricks on us.  Tomorrow is another day and I have a lot to get done.  Things I don't want to get done - like preparing to pack up my life and move to another city.  A city that's larger with so many more things going for it, or so I'm told.  There was a time when I would've been excited by the change.  Right now, I'm just emotionally drained from telling a couple of my friends about selling the house.  I hate that more than anything.  I told my friend Roxanne yesterday when I picked up my daughter from her house.  She gave me a hug and I just started to sob.  I thought about all of the times we've gone places on the spur of the moment.  All of the ice cream we've laughed and cried over.  Picking strawberries, attending concerts, teaching preschool classes at church, sewing costumes for the Easter pageant, visiting her dad in the hospital when he had a stroke, bottle feeding her baby goat when she went out of town, sitting paralyzed in fear while her german shepherd tried to climb in my lap, lighting her blanket on fire on the 4th of July, the crazy shopping trips, the near-death experience with her shellfish allergy, trips to Omaha to see movies and go to the zoo. 

Here I sit sobbing again.  I'm miserable and lonely and I have absolutely no control over my life and the only thing left in the Easter basket is jelly beans and I HATE jelly beans (except, on rare occasion, the black ones).  I have a lot of friends here and it's going to be like this with each one of them.  I'm really not OK.

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Doe (2007-04-20)
With all due respect Barnabus, you can't "just get over it"

Elvenbeads (2007-04-19)
*Hugs* I don't want to get real close cause I'm sick, but I have a feeling that we may be experiencing some of the same pain right now. I want to wish you all the best. ~love and light

Barnabus (2007-04-19)
Imagine the Bishop is a bird in your hand..if you love it, you will set it free, and let it go! Then you can get on with life. New City...new people ...new loves!! as the song says, "Get over it"!!

Doe (2007-04-19)
"I'm miserable and lonely and I have absolutely no control over my life" Yes you do sweetie. You're the ONLY one who has the control in your life. Make the most of it.

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