[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Driving Myself Crazy
2007-04-13
I've been a little down all morning, despite showering and dressing up. I thought maybe if I put some effort into my appearance that it would help, but it's not the outside that's the problem. It's all on the inside. The warring factions in my head - trying to think about "right" things instead of what I want. I understand that what I want is irrelevant. I understand that it doesn't help to dwell on things I can't change. Ugh!!
I got up earlier than usual this morning, cleaned my house to get it ready to show (again) and got the kids where they needed to be - relatively on time, even. Then, I went to Starbuck's. I had my coffee, did a little knitting, chatted with some sales guys, and then started thinking about things I shouldn't. Like how I believe the best way to drink coffee is out of someone else's (the Bishop's) mouth. I taught him that little trick while I was sitting on his kitchen counter. He was eating something repulsive - bologna or a hot dog, trying to get me to kiss him so he could push a little of it into my mouth, just to be ornery. He's that way sometimes and I miss it like crazy. So, I took a sip from my soda, pulled him close, pressed my mouth around his and showed him how to take a drink out of my mouth. It sounds a little disgusting, but it's really quite fun. We've done it with coffee, as well, and I miss that too. I miss a lot of things that I shouldn't be thinking about.
OK, so I'm having this guilty little breakdown in my self-control and I realize I've gotten a text message on my phone from my husband. "I love you. I was just thinking about you." Of course that started the water works because my first response was to consider sending him a little message telling him that I love the Bishop and I was just thinking about him. I didn't send it - would never send something like that. I'm really not a cruel person and I know that not all thoughts that pass through my head originate there. I've been doing fairly well at tossing out the things that don't belong in my brain. As I described before, sometimes those memories just creep up on me and starting playing in my mind before I even realize what's happening. My only defense against them at this point is to turn up the music really loud so I can't think at all.
My mind is just running in circles today. I guess it's time to go do something physical to try to work out my frustrations. It's Friday the 13th today and four weeks since I saw him last. Since I was with him last. There may come a time when I don't mark the passage of time by little things like that. I don't know whether to hope or fear for it. Time to go make my daughter lunch before I drown in my own pathetic misery. God, are you sure you don't want to just smite me from the earth right now, 'cause I don't know if I'm ever going to get this right?! I don't know if I'm ever going to make it out of the desert. Today, I don't even know why I keep wanting to try.
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