[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Indelible
2007-04-12
The marks are already on my heart. I've been working on the designs and I think I'm ready to have them put on my body. I've already written about what my current tattoos mean to me. That they serves as markers to remind me of things I've been through and lessons learned. The past few months have been some of the most significant in my life as far as lessons learned and things I want to remember. Even the pain. I know I won't ever forget all that's happened. Somehow, I feel like I need that physical reminder of the hope. The hope that I'll make it through and that, with God's help, I'm capable of learning and growing.
This morning, I spent some time sitting at Starbuck's going over some of the material I'd covered with the Bishop when our time was focused on what was right. Things I'd pondered before that didn't mean near as much as they do now. I'm glad I have those things to refer back to. They're a stark reminder of how far we both got off track spiritually. It was quite a slap in the face to read the things he taught and know we made decisions that were directly opposite of those teachings. He told me he'd reviewed tapes of classes he's taught in the past and how he still believed those things to be true, yet when all was said and done, he still wanted me. I still love him, but after reading through all of those verses that I'd looked up and copied down, I actually felt a little peace. Obviously I need to be reading those things if I ever expect to really heal, but I find myself hesitating. I still don't want to completely let go. I know I have to, but there's a part of me that's still holding on. I'm trying to be patient with myself and give it time. Trying to take the steps necessary to get back on the right track.
One of the sheets I was reading this morning had a cartoon on it that I'd drawn when I was in the Bishop's office. It's of a little stick figure running away from a vicious dog labeled, "driven" and running towards a sun labeled, "motivation". I remember the conversation we had concerning the difference between feeling driven to do things, as though the hounds of hell were snapping at your heels and feeling motivated to reach for something better; something beautiful. The memory was bittersweet. Maybe if we'd done things right, I'd still be able to see him and talk to him. If we'd done things right, I wouldn't know the pain I feel right now. Then again, the pain I feel right now is so intense because I compare it to how good it felt to be with him. Thinking in circles like that is just going to give me a headache. Instead, I'm going to try to get some things done before I pick my son up from school.
piper (2007-04-12)
how do you forget the guy (or don't you really want to) with a tatoo memorial - or is that just another feather on your cou stick?
Doe (2007-04-12)
I just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you :)
Enjoy your new tat!
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