[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Feedback
2007-04-10
As a "stay-at-home" mom, I don't get a lot of feedback for what I do in any given day. I'm expected to be self-motivated to get housework done, to spend time with my kids, to teach them everything they need to know to be ready to start school, to debunk some of the crap they learn at school, to notice when something is wrong with the house and fix it or get it fixed, to work on school projects, make costumes, transform the ordinary into the extraordinary, to get up when they cry at night, and a whole host of other things that I can't even name right now. I LOVE that about my life. I rise to the challenge of each new day because I am the consummate over-achiever and perfectionist. I like to push harder, do better, try to do things I've never tried before. Quite often, I succeed. I'm crafty, intelligent, excellent at time management, motivated, and more times than not, I work until the job is done. I do it because I love what it does for my kids. I do it for the simple pleasure of knowing I'm capable of learning new things. That I still have things to learn and I still want to learn them.
That having been said, I sometimes miss the feedback I know other people get from their paying jobs. Having a boss recognize my ingenuity or my efficiency in completing a task. That's part of why I enjoyed my time with the Bishop so much. His feedback was a tremendous help to me. A little external compass telling me if I was on the right track. Helping me face when I wasn't and showing me how to get back where I needed, all the while believing good things about me. I miss him so much tonight. I started writing this blog as a way of self-expression. I've always kept a journal - not every day, but certainly to record the major events in my life. The struggles and the joys. I can type faster and I've enjoyed the feedback on this web site. If I'm really honest, though, I was also writing to the Bishop.
He was aware of what I was doing and would occasionally read what I'd written. It was a way for me to communicate my heart to him in a way that I find comfortable and, sometimes, we'd get the chance to discuss what I'd written. I had been checking my visitor list before I checked messages, comments, or posted anything. I'd revel in seeing his name on my list. Even when he wasn't logged in, I had some hope that one of the "non-user" hits might have been him. I still feel this tremendous desire to communicate to him and a deep longing to hear his impressions. I know I broke his trust in the arena of communication, but I still find myself wanting to speak with him, to hear his voice, to just talk with him. It's always been so easy with him. I felt comfortable from the start. I tested him in a few areas by asking very personal questions. His honest answers allowed me to open up to him in a way I never had before. I miss that easy rapport. I miss bouncing ideas off of him and hearing his impressions. Even now, I'd give just about anything for my phone to ring. I know it's wrong. I wish there were some way it could be right. Stupid, fickle heart. Why can't I just say no and mean it? Does God care about this? Will He take care of this need too?
Doe (2007-04-11)
You may always love him but, time will ease the intensity of what you're feeling.
You said no and you meant no but, you are human. Being human means having emotions that sometimes won't make sense to even ourselves.
We can rationalize but, our hearts will win out more times than not.
It will get better.
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