[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Self-fulfilling Prophecy
2007-10-02
Start the day in tears and end it the same way. For much the same reason. I dreamt of the Bishop again last night. The ultra vivid dream where he tells me he loves me and wants me, but I can never reach him. The circumstances are different, but the theme is the same. We arrange to meet and do everything we can to make it happen, but the dream ends before we do. I wake up hurting and thinking about something he said to me. He told me there would never be another woman for him. He'd go back to his wife and the life he knew before he got involved with me and never reach for another woman the way he did with me. Stupid, but that made me feel like he really did love me - that our relationship was something special and unique in his life and it was because of who we were and how we fit together. That he didn't ever expect to experience that with anyone else because it was so extraordinary. That would have been lovely if he'd left it there, but he went on to say he knew there would be other men in my life. That hurt me. It seemed like an accusation.
I didn't want to be in a position where I could choose someone else, but I'm finding myself walking down the path of divorce. It's painful and disappointing, but also inevitable. I wrestle with failure and selfishness and guilt. None of that is enough to drown out the pain of being married to a man who can't even tell me why he wants to be married to me. If he can't tell me why, then how do I know he really does - especially in light of his recent vascillation on that very point? If I'm going to be with someone, I want them to have a reason beyond a sense of obligation. A reason beyond an aversion to the alternative. I want to be with someone who feels like I understand them and accept them for who they are, encourages them towards growth and enrichment, and knows that I love them above all else. I have so much to give. I also want to experience the same in return. To know I'm loved, accepted, and treasured for who I am. That someone isn't my husband. If it's not him and I'm single, then is it unreasonable to think I might find love with someone else? If the Bishop had chosen differently, I wouldn't even be asking these questions because I'd be with him.
Yes, Bishop, I imagine there will be other men in my life. Why, then, do I feel guilty about that? Why do I feel like I'd be cheating on you? Like I'm betraying our relationship? What a rotten thing to feel! Maybe I do need to talk to you again. Maybe I need to hear those final devastating words - that you don't love me. You never did. You were just caught up in the excitement of being with a younger woman who looked at you the way you wanted to be seen. That's really what it's all about, isn't it? I loved you as thoroughly as I possibly could. I believed the best about you. I poured my heart and soul into that and experienced great joy at how you responded to the way I loved you. You positively glowed when you looked at me and I found that irresistable. My heart shattered when that ended.
I'm healing - very slowly. I want to allow myself to fall madly in love with someone else. I want to experience that again. I wouldn't have wanted that if you'd chosen me. I'm not blaming you - you were always honest on that point. It just hurts. It hurts to think about what might've been. It hurts to let go. It hurts to reach for someone else, knowing that to do so would make me vulnerable to the same kind of pain. What it comes down to is this: I don't know how to do anything halfway. If I'm going to love someone, I'm going to do it with passion and abandon. If I do, maybe this time it will be for keeps.
artgrrl (2007-10-02)
If it's any help it took me until age 48 to find my "keeper." It was worth all the failed relationships, all the pain, break-ups, etc. through the years. We could not be happier and we're both sure it's the "real thing." We were so sure of that we got married. Each for the first at ages 48 and 56. What I'm really saying is...yes, it's worth going through again, and yes you will find your real love and partner, and yes, it's most certainly worth the journey.
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