[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!I Want It All Back
2007-09-15
When did I become an adult? When did I realize that my decisions have consequences? When did I begin to take responsibility for those decision/consequences and try to do better? The better question - the question of the day is When did I take on other people's responsibilities in addition to my own?
I know that my children have to be a priority. I know that they didn't ask to be born into the family they're in and I accept that their needs have to be considered in every decision I make. In fact, I fully embrace that. I love those little buggers, warts and all, and I want the absolute best for them. At the same time, I want it all back. I want to go pick out a car because it's pretty and I'll look hot behind the wheel. I want to drive fast, live carefree, and regret what I did instead of what I didn't do. Stupid, childish, selfish. I can't have it back. I don't suppose I'd do a whole lot any different if I did.
I'm in a rather morose mood and I'm quite tired of it. I'm tired of waking up well, tired. What happened to the days of waking up content and ready to face the day? I've never been a morning person and have always had to claw my way to consciousness, but there were plenty of times where it was completely worth it. Times when being awake was a good thing. Now, although there are some remarkable bright spots in my day (kids, friends, etc.), I'm not feeling much in the way of gratitude for having my sleep interrupted. Quite the opposite. I feel like there's some giant hand pressing down on me. I feel the pressure increase as the day wears on. I was sitting in a dealership earlier checking out new cars and the only thing I could think about was crawling back into bed. I'm not myself. I'm not any fun.
Asking for fun is asking for a lot these days. I can smile and laugh with my kids, on the phone with friends (or in their presence as often as possible), but coming "home" has become so oppressive that I'd rather skip it altogether. I'm stressed about the finals coming up on Monday night - not so much about Math, but certainly about Anatomy & Physiology. I want to do well. I don't just want to accept the fact that I'll probably end up with a "B" instead of an "A". I know it doesn't sound that bad, but I think about how far downhill my life has gone since July when I started classes. My attitude has declined right along with the circumstances. What's it all for anyway? People keep asking me how I'm doing. How do I answer that question? I'm not fine. I'm not particularly happy. I'm not even sure half of the people asking really care.
All of this is just words spewing forth filling up the page in an attempt to avoid what I want to do - what I think is right. My husband put the divorce on hold. Why? Because he loves me and wants to live out the rest of his days with me? No. Because the lawyer said it would be expensive and he wouldn't get the kind of custody agreement he'd envisioned. He says he ended the relationship with his girlfriend. Why? Because he knows it was wrong and is so utterly sorry for what he's done? No. It's because she has a kid and he doesn't want to play step-dad to him. Lies, lies, and more lies. I'm a bad Christian and a bad wife because I now want the divorce. I want to be done with the lies and the verbal abuse. I want to be done with the accusations, the depression, the hideous miserable existence my life has become. How much is enough? How much do I have to take before it's OK to move on? Is this the kind of suffering I'm supposed endure for the rest of my life? If I hear one more person tell me that God hates divorce, I'm going to scream in their face, "Doesn't He hate liars and adulterers and cruel, self-absorbed, hypocrites, too? Doesn't He forgive? Does He really make you pay for your sins the rest of your life?"
piper (2007-09-16)
It's OK to be a Christian, but nowhere does it say you have to be stupid. Your religion is supposed to give you comfort and direction. It idealizes the so-called "perfect" marriage, but won't get mad at you if you are smart enough to escape a rotten one. Hell on earth? Good luck...Thor
Gone4Ever (2007-09-15)
With great power comes great responsibility to quote Stan Lee. We all have to grow up some day I didn't until I was 30-years-old and now my life is just getting close to back in shape. I have no children but that is a great power to have, to shape them and show them how to survive in this often borked world we live in. I don't want carefree back, I want to move forward and die like everyone else does and maybe look back and say I changed one persons life for the better, it was all worth it.
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