[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Relationships Based On Lies
2007-09-10
I loved the Bishop. Of that I'm certain, but as much as I loved him, I loved the idea of him. A big, strong, virile man who listened and communicated with me on an intimate level. Still, what I found most attractive about him (integrity, kindness, Godliness) was sullied when we crossed the line into that intimate wrong relationship. I've been thinking about what it means to be a "nice" person because that's how my husband is describing his new girlfriend. If actions speak louder than words, then I should consider the actions.
I'm not a nice person - at least I certainly haven't been in the past. Nice people don't have affairs. Nice people learn to deal with their marital problems head-on instead of finding someone else to meet their needs. I can honestly say I tried that route. I tried to meet my husband's needs. I tried to express my needs to him as best I could. He avoided the issue as much as possible. He turned it around and made me feel defective for having needs that went beyond what he was comfortable or capable of giving. I turned to someone else to fill my needs instead of persisting with my husband. Maybe I figured it was pointless to try to squeeze blood from a turnip and unconsciously decided to take what I could get to get me through. I can't say I really gave much consideration to the outcome of my relationship with the Bishop. I accepted the fact that we were both married, so we'd never have a future together. I didn't think too far past the moment I was in. That's not a nice way to behave.
Some would say, "What's the big deal as long as nobody gets hurt? It happens more than you think. Marriage is an unnatural institution. People can't be expected to remain faithful and love each other their whole life." That's a pretty fabulous justification. The problem is that people who are physically intimate often times also share an emotional intimacy. As that grows, it changes other relationships. It diminishes a person's motivation to repair their damaged marriage. It draws them even further away from their spouse. As a friend told me, the secrets pile up and serve as a wall between spouses. I saw it happen with the Bishop. His marriage was suffering as he was spending more and more time with me. The stronger his feelings for me got, the less inclined he was to put effort into loving his wife. He still followed his usual patterns, but his heart wasn't in it. I was already pretty withdrawn from my husband. Years of conditioning taught me that protecting myself was preferable to his numberous forms of emotional rejection. That doesn't justify my actions - merely explains them. Still, I readily admit that the Bishop and I weren't being "nice" in any way shape or form, even if spending time together felt really good. Our actions were hurtful to other people even before they were revealed to those people.
I've come to terms with that as best I can. I want to be more than nice. I want to be kind and trustworthy and honest and live in such a way that there's nothing in my life that has to be hidden. Keeping secrets is exhausting and miserable. Love is something that should be celebrated, not shamefully hidden away. If you find you need to hide things, it usually means that something is wrong (unless it's a birthday present).
So, is this new girlfriend nice? I'm skeptical. I'm sure she's been very nice to him and listened and offered much sympathy. To what end? Because she's so selfless? Hmmm.....she wants them to move in together. She wants him to be with her. He's made a commitment and countless assertions that he's trying to make his marriage work (at least to me and in front of witnesses), yet he's also been involved with her. She hasn't discouraged their involvement or insisted that he follow through on ending his marriage before he takes up with her. Why not? Because he might change his mind if she doesn't give him what he wants (and claims to need as a matter of life and death). If she has more to offer and if he really loves her, wouldn't their relationship wait until after his divorce is final. For that matter, why would she place her trust in this relationship with him knowing that he's sneaking around in order to have it?
I know, I know. Single mother. Starved for affection. Thinks his wife (of nearly 13 years) is a fool for not seeing how great he is and for not appreciating him. She can love him so much better. She's got one side of the story. What about the other side? Does she really think that one person shoulders all of the blame for a dying marriage? And what about a man who bails when the going gets tough? I admit, this is one of the toughest things to put a marriage through, but he's now saying he never should've married me in the first place. Funny, he said that about his first wife too. So, he has a history of jumping into relationships without really knowing the person. He's not even through his divorce and is already "in love" with someone else. If what he says is true, he's only been with her in this relationship for a couple of months. I wonder if she realizes he proposed to me after only having been with me a month. I wonder why that is? Could it be that he can't be alone - codependent perhaps? That it doesn't really matter to him who the person is as long as there's someone beside him?
Yes, I'm angry and bitter. Yes, I want his relationship with her to fail. For that matter, I wouldn't mind if he drove off a cliff right about now. I admit death would be a lot easier to face than divorce. I also admit, yet again, that I was an equal contributer in the demise of our marriage. I withdrew. I didn't stand up for myself. I didn't put up boundaries. I didn't see him for who he was - just that he was the father of my child and he was willing to take responsibility for us. I didn't have a clue what a marriage was supposed to be. I didn't know what I was supposed to ask for. I was 19. I also didn't understand that he wasn't telling the truth about why his first marriage failed. I didn't understand that he was codependant. I didn't know I had options. All I knew was that I was facing the biggest, scariest thing I'd ever faced and I didn't want to do it alone. What happened after the wedding was pathetic.
Take an immature 19-yr-old girl who didn't know the first thing about babies and give her one to take home after a long and difficult pregnancy. Add to the fact that she's now going to be a stay-at-home mom in a new city (we moved when I was 5 months pregnant) with no friends and no support system. Mix in the guy: a 27-yr-old man who's divorce wasn't final and who was out of a steady job for several months. Move them to a new city in order to follow a job and see how they do. He works a lot of hours at a company where he's hard to reach at times. She's confined to bedrest due to complications, so she's gaining weight at an astronomical rate. She has no idea what being a mother is going to be like. She's ashamed for being pregnant and not married. They can't even get married before the baby comes because his divorce isn't yet final.
Wow, looking back, it's amazing we made it as long as we did. We didn't have a great start, but we really tried to make the best of it and be responsible parents. Maybe the feeling of love wasn't there, but the action sure was. Neither of us was really equipped to be a parent. Neither of us was a good candidate to enter into a marriage. We pushed through some really tough times. I know I battled lonliness, depression, insecurity, and a whole host of other things at the time. I made it through with my sanity relatively intact, though it was questionable when I started out. I'd nearly forgotten how much I went through that first couple of years. It's remarkably similar to what's happening now.
I moved to Des Moines with my husband because our relationship was extremely tenuous. I'm hurting and lonely here and being asked to do seemingly impossible things. When we moved to Sioux City, he moved us into a dump because he said we didn't have time to look for something better. That's about how the move went this time, too. The place we're living isn't what I'd have chosen. I feel trapped and isolated, just like I did back then. I made friends, though it took a long time. I found my place there and made it a home. Maybe I can do that here, too. I have to stop waiting to see how this relationship is going to play out and just start being myself. My circumstances aren't ideal, but I'm an older, stronger version of the person who overcame so many obstacles in moving to Sioux City. There's something to think about.
bxgladiator (2007-09-11)
wow i must say that this was really deep and sorry that it did come to you guys getting divorce.
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