[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Thoughts To Ponder
2007-08-24
I've been pretty consistent in my desire to make good choices and do what I know is right. What if I don't know what's right? The more I'm learning, the more I'm questioning. I'm comfortable with that. If I don't ask questions, how will I ever learn anything? So, the question for the day is "What If?"
What if I end up getting divorced, despite all of the efforts to avoid it? Obviously my main concern would be my kids. What would happen to them? I'm a product of divorced parents. My mom and dad divorced when I was three years old. My dad was an alcoholic. He drank away his paychecks and my mom took sole responsibility for the care of their three children. I'm the middle child, so I was doomed from the start. OK, I was being facetious, but really, there's fact to back up the notion that the middle child is often ignored. I was certainly emotionally neglected by my parents throughout most of my childhood. There were times when I was physically neglected as well.
My dad was the typical "deadbeat dad". Although he was willing to allow us to come stay with him a week or two in the summer every now and then, we'd more often than not opt to stay with one of my grandmother's (who both lived in the same town he did). He lived in a trailer most of his adult live. It was a disaster area. There were overflowing ashtrays, porno mags, empty beer cans and liquor bottles, wadded up dirty clothes, and various other odds and ends everywhere. To be fair, he learned his housekeeping skills from his mother. My grandmother lived in a big old house so packed with junk and trash that there were paths cut through the place to get to the kitchen, bathroom, living room, and her bedroom. When she was forced to move into something smaller that she could better afford, rather than clean the place out, they burned it down. My dad was very similar to her, with the confusing and embarassing addition of all the Playboy and Penthouse "reading" materials. He drank from the time he got off work (when he was working) until the time he passed out. I'm not sure how he functioned as an adult. I don't think I ever saw food in his refridgerator. He must've always eaten at the "beer joint". In fact, now that I think about it, I spent more time with him at the bar than I did in his home. My memories with him weren't all bad. He was decent to me when I was around. There just wasn't anything connecting us. I think he remembered my birthday twice in my entire life. To a kid, those things are important and speak volumes about how much you care. As an adult, I still don't understand much and I'm sad I can't ask him because he died 6 or 7 years ago.
My mom worked very hard to stay off welfare. We lived in Sioux City for a time in the upstairs of a house. The main floor was occupied by Robert and Marty, one divorced and the other never married. They had a couple of pinball machines in their basement. The house was located right next to a bar where my mom worked nights "waitressing". I'm not exactly sure what all she did, but I don't get that she was very proud of some of her behaviors because she doesn't talk much about that time. Maybe because she was drinking and taking drugs to the point where she can't remember a lot. Most of what I remember is having to walk a long way to school by myself because my brother would ditch me. I was in Kindergarten then. I drove past that house when I was in Sioux City last time. I followed the path I took to school - I walked over a mile each way. That tells me that my memories, though sporadic, were fairly accurate. I have the typical problems of a person with an unhappy childhood. There are large gaps in my memory. Maybe because the days were all the same. Maybe because most of what I'd remember is too painful. I know my mom wasn't around a lot when I felt like I needed her to be. I know she made a lot of personal sacrifices to provide for us with little or no help from anybody else. I also know she made a lot of bad lifestyle choices along the way.
I don't know if I would've been different if I'd been in her situation, but I know how it's affected me. I have a great deal of difficulty trusting anyone, but especially men. I have trouble establishing boundaries with people. I have no concept of object permanence - meaning I've had so little stability in my life that I don't believe it's possible to have things stay the same for very long. I don't believe people will stick with me through thick and thin. These have been extremely difficult things to work through in my life. Learning to trust, to love, and to accept love have all been arduous tasks for me. Right now, because of some of my own choices and the choices made by others, the tasks are just as daunting.
That's only a part of what my parents' divorce has done to me. It wasn't just one divorce, though. My mom married and divorced 3 times between the time I was 3 and 17. There were boyfriends in between, too. She didn't learn from her mistakes. She didn't make changes in herself to ensure she'd make better choices in her life. That's hard to say about someone I love, but it's the truth. Not everything in her life has been of her own choosing, but I think there are a lot of things she could've avoided.
Divorce is hard on kids. Divorce is also a reality in a lot of kids' lives. It's been a reality in mine and I learned to cope. Not everything I learned was good. I didn't have the resources at my disposal that I'd make certain were available for my kids, should my husband and I get divorced. I want my kids to be the best they can possibly be. I want to prepare them for life in the real world as an adult. I don't know what direction those lives are going to take, but I don't want to be responsible for hurting them and their chances to be the people they're meant to be. At the same time, I know that struggle is what makes people stronger. Even the Bible says that in your life, you will have trouble. I can't prevent or even minimize the amount of difficulties they'll face. I just don't want to make things harder on them. If we divorce, things will definitely be harder - especially if my husband chooses to try to use them as a means to hurt me. Or if I lose my mind completely and choose to do the same.
I have great concern for my kids, but I also have personal concerns. What would happen to me if I got divorced? I'm scared I wouldn't be able to make it on my own. I'm scared I'd lose sight of my priorities and allow my emotions to control my decisions. I'm scared of a lot of how much harder my life will be. My husband told me last night that he thinks it would be easier to just give up on this relationship. He thought it would be easier after he moved us here. I don't think he has a very firm grasp of reality. I know my life would change drastically and not all of it would be things I'd choose.
If I got divorced, I'd have to find a place to live. A safe place that I could afford. What could I afford? Not a whole lot, considering I don't have much beyond a high school education. I'd have to find a job. I know I'm employable, but it would take a special person willing to take a risk on me. I don't have a solid job history in terms of long-term employment because I've been staying home with my kids. That should speak volumes about my level of commitment and organizational skills, but not everyone understands what it takes to do what I do. I also want to finish school because I want a chance to do something personally meaningful with the skills and talents I've been given. How would I accomplish that if I had to struggle so hard for mere survival?
Practical matters aside, the rest of the thought of being single is both intriguing and terrifying. Dating when you have kids is vastly different than dating with only yourself to worry about. I certainly don't want to place my kids in the same positions I've been in. I don't want my daughter to face the prospect of getting molested or either one of them to become targets of abuse. Stating that sheds a lot of insight on what I believe about what people are capable of. It also speaks to what kind of confidence I have in my ability to make good choices regarding men. I'm pretty naive. Even with what I've been through, I still have a tendency to believe the best about people. I wouldn't want to look at every man with suspicion, but how does a woman balance those things? Unnerving to think about, but exciting at the same time.
What would it be like to find someone I'm actually compatible with? What would it be like to spend time with someone who appreciates my company? Who thinks I'm someone special and treats me that way? What would it be like to be with someone who listens, responds, shares with me, and trusts me to take care of what they tell me? Would it be as good as it was with the Bishop? Would it be better because we could be open about our relationship? I don't know. I still believe I'm capable of connecting with a person like that. I still want that kind of relationship. I don't think my husband is at all capable. I don't want to live with that forever, but I do want to do what's right.
Brother Chris (2007-08-25)
I'll be praying
Mary Mary Quite Contrary (2007-08-24)
Divorce smetimes seems to be a bit of a catch 22 to me - One doesn't want their children to go through the pain and the loss, and the possibility of being used as a pawn - but one also doesn't want to have them around the influence of someone who, for a son can be a potential "roll model" of how they are to be a husband, and for a daughter, an example of the type of man to pick for a husband - And when children see you happy and in a healty relationship, they just may follow that example themselves.
As far as what is to come and what kind of relationship you may find out there - Put it in The Lord's hands. Let Him find the perfect mate for you. Trust me, this works. He will guide you and help you if you let Him.
Prayers and ((Hugs)))! :)
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