[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Wounded
2007-07-30
Here I am, up at 7:30 - been up since 5. I'm so tired, but my sleep has been disturbed too many times this morning to bother trying again, so I'll spend the time writing about the weekend, starting with what happened Saturday afternoon. The more I thought about the whole texting issue, the more angry and upset I got, but I decided to take a breather and calm down before addressing it. I took several deep breaths, vented on here, then walked calmly downstairs to talk to my husband. I asked to see his phone so I could read the message. He'd deleted it. Now, that just doesn't foster a feeling of trust and goodwill, so I told him we needed to take a walk.
We walked about a half a block before we started talking. I didn't yell and scream. I explained that we'd had discussions about boundaries with female relationships before. Relationships with single (or married) coworkers become inappropriate when they bleed over into personal time. The conversation was so incredibly painful. He told me he doesn't care anymore. That he doesn't love me. That he doesn't even like me or care if we spend any time together at all. In fact, he'd rather not spend any time together. He said as many nasty and hurtful things as he possibly could and I stood there listening.
When he was finished, I told him I'm getting two pictures in my head. The first is the way God sees me - through eyes of love. His image is one of kindness and compassion and forgiveness. The other is the picture my husband paints of me - as being cruel and mean and cold. Those two pictures are so different that they can't possibly both be true. I said, "I'm sorry, but you're the one who's wrong. I'm not the things you say I am." After that, we talked quite a bit more about him and how he's hurting. It was hard to listen to. It hurt like hell to keep my mouth shut and not speak up about all the ways I'm hurting right now. It was difficult not to point out that a lot of the pain he's experiencing right now is pain he's choosing, but I can't say that in a loving or kind way, so I shouldn't say it at all.
I know that thinking about the Bishop is a wrong thing for me to do because it starts me down a path of depression and anxiety. If I choose to think about him anyway, then I've done that to myself. The same goes for rehashing the past I've shared with my husband. There have been some dreadful things take place between the two of us. If I dwell on them, then I'll never be able to forgive him or myself and we'll just be stuck right there. I have to choose to take today for what it is and, with God's help, make the best of it. Looking at the past hurts beyond belief. Looking towards the future scares the hell out of me, so I have to stay grounded in the here and now. I wish my husband would do that, as well.
It's all so damned frustrating. I just wanted to address something specific that was bothering me in a HUGE way. Something that would make a big difference in our relationship. His reaction was so dramatic, so angry, and so hostile that it was exhausting to get him to focus on the one issue at hand, but I did it. I said the words I was instructed to say. I stuck to the topic. I kept asking him, would you be willing to change a few behaviors in order to foster better trust between us? It took a long time and listening to a lot of crap before he asked me, "Do you love me?" This is the part I'm proud of and the part that I'm going to hold on to.
I told him, "Love is a choice. It's clearly defined in the Bible. Putting all emotions and personal desires aside, yes. Yes, I love you. I'm trying to be patient and kind. To keep no record of wrongdoings, to hope all things, and believe all things. This is where I take my stand. No matter how you react or what you choose, I will do what's right. I will make decisions based on God's truth, not emotions because emotions lie. Even if you choose differently, I'm still going to do what's right." I told him that he has the capacity to hurt me still and I'm laying myself on the line and opening myself up to that possibility in order to open myself up for something good. I know it can go either way and that his choices help to determine the result, but that's a chance I have to take.
He didn't expect to hear those things from me. He said as much. I didn't necessarily want to say them. It took an incredible act of will to open my mouth, but it was right. It may not make sense to anyone else, but I know it was right for me. He has no idea how much I'm hurting right now. He can't possibly understand how hard it is for me to be vulnerable and keep my heart soft after all that's happened with the Bishop. All I want to do is put up an inpenetrable wall so noone can ever hurt me again. If I do that, it shuts out pain, but it shuts out love as well. I don't want to be like that. This is all so hard, but I'm doing it - with God's help.
My husband is still angry and bitter. He's choosing to hold on to those things. There's nothing I can do about that. This morning, he slammed around and woke me up to let me know he was leaving for work at a reasonable time instead of 5:30am like he has been. He made sure to wake me up again at 7 by calling me to let me know he'd gone to work like he should. He said it was an effort to foster trust. I think it was simply a way of sticking it to me because he knows I'm not a morning person. I'm not supposed to assign motives, so I'll let it slide. I'd like something better for the situation, but I can't make choices for him. I will say that I'm finding what I need through all of this.
Saturday night, I was exhausted. I started crying as a way to emotionally decompress. I got to thinking about my husband's words from earlier in the day and how much they hurt. It made me cry even harder. I could've stayed there and wallowed for a good, long time. What he said was mean and horrible. I didn't stay there, though. Something shifted in me. I started thinking about rejection and how much it hurts. That triggered a memory. A few years ago, when my son was involved in a church activity, everyone took a pledge to memorize Isaiah 53. That came flooding back to me on Saturday night and gave me a tremendous sense of connection.
1 Who has believed our message
and to whom has the arm of the LORD been revealed?
2 He grew up before him like a tender shoot,
and like a root out of dry ground.
He had no beauty or majesty to attract us to him,
nothing in his appearance that we should desire him.
3 He was despised and rejected by men,
a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering.
Like one from whom men hide their faces
he was despised, and we esteemed him not.
4 Surely he took up our infirmities
and carried our sorrows,
yet we considered him stricken by God,
smitten by him, and afflicted.
5 But he was pierced for our transgressions,
he was crushed for our iniquities;
the punishment that brought us peace was upon him,
and by his wounds we are healed.
6 We all, like sheep, have gone astray,
each of us has turned to his own way;
and the LORD has laid on him
the iniquity of us all.
7 He was oppressed and afflicted,
yet he did not open his mouth;
he was led like a lamb to the slaughter,
and as a sheep before her shearers is silent,
so he did not open his mouth.
8 By oppression and judgment he was taken away.
And who can speak of his descendants?
For he was cut off from the land of the living;
for the transgression of my people he was stricken.
9 He was assigned a grave with the wicked,
and with the rich in his death,
though he had done no violence,
nor was any deceit in his mouth.
10 Yet it was the LORD's will to crush him and cause him to suffer,
and though the LORD makes his life a guilt offering,
he will see his offspring and prolong his days,
and the will of the LORD will prosper in his hand.
11 After the suffering of his soul,
he will see the light of life and be satisfied;
by his knowledge my righteous servant will justify many,
and he will bear their iniquities.
12 Therefore I will give him a portion among the great,
and he will divide the spoils with the strong,
because he poured out his life unto death,
and was numbered with the transgressors.
For he bore the sin of many,
and made intercession for the transgressors.
Jesus came and faced all of the anger, bitterness, resentment, and rejection that I face. His experience was worse because he didn't deserve any of it. Somehow, through the pain and tears, I looked across and saw His eyes. Eyes filled with sorrow and compassion. Eyes that showed a strength beyond measure and a willingness to take it all because he loves me. He loves me. Enough to die for me. To die to bridge the gap between God and man because of sin.
I will praise You in this storm
And I will lift my hands
You are who You are
No matter where I am
And every tear I cry, You hold in Your hand
You never left my side
And though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm.
Barnabus (2007-07-30)
To hold your peace at a time like that is something I thought only God could do!!! He had to have strengthened you greatly for that task! I'm hoping your husband will re think things today, and make some new realizations, before the die is totally cast!!!
One Tough Cookie (2007-07-30)
You are an amazing woman for not just walking away. I'm amazed daily by you. *hugs*
piper (2007-07-30)
what a beautiful display of character - too bad mate will never read it
Hardcore_Pyro (2007-07-30)
It takes a courages woman to put everything out in the open and not retaliate out of anger and frustration. Stay strong and loyal to yourself and your beliefs.
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