[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Finally!
2007-07-27
Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition, I finally woke up without a headache this morning! Not only that, but I got a decent amount of sleep and even managed to sleep deep enough to dream. Boy, did I have some crazy dreams, too. Two of them I actually remember with a fair amount of detail.
In the first one, I was at the bookstore where the Bishop's wife works. I was back in Sioux City, but was determined not to go there, except that a friend of mine who works there was having a birthday party and they specifically called me and asked me to be there. At first, it didn't look like she was going to be there and I was having lots of fun. A few minutes into the party, she came in and sat down, but left almost immediately. Nobody else could figure out why, so they sent me after her to ask. Of course they didn't realize what a mistake that would be. When I was looking to see where she'd gone, the Bishop pulls up near the door, parks his car, and head straight for me. He's supposed to be there picking up his wife, but he wants to talk, so he asks if I can drive him somewhere so we can talk. I think about how stupid that sounds to leave his car parked in plain sight and take off with me, but I do it anyway. We get to a secluded spot and he begins to touch me while he's talking to me. Even though I'm enjoying the touch, I can't get the image out of my head of his poor wife. She's waiting for him to pick her up. She has to have discovered by now that their car is there, but he isn't. Not only that, but she's smart enough to realize that my car is also gone.
There wasn't any specific conclusion to the dream. I woke up thinking damn, I can't believe I'm still dreaming about that man. It didn't upset me and send me through the miserable cycle of memories this time, though. It's painful anytime I think about him, but not as devastating as it has been. I was able to get back to sleep and then had another dream.
I dreamt that my son was getting ready to start school and I wanted him in more challenging classes, so I was sent to someone's home to talk to them about getting him switched. Their home was surrounded by water because it had been flooding there, so we had to take a boat. When we got there, the lady I was to speak with turned out to be the wife of the pastor we'd had at the church in Sioux City 6 years ago. He was a very nice and lovable pastor, but his wife always seemed a little distant to me. I think it's because we were so different. She became a lot friendlier when I got pregnant with my daughter. That was surprising because I know she'd really struggled with fertility issues and miscarriages. She wasn't the type to extend her resentment to other women having babies, though. Anyway, in the dream I was pregnant again (must be a fear, not wishful thinking). I was laying down on a bed in one of their guest rooms while she was talking on the phone to her husband. She was upset when she got off the phone, so I held my arms out to her and she came and laid down next to me. It seemed like such a strangely comforting and intimate moment to share with someone whom I haven't seen in a couple of years and someone I've never felt particularly close to. It makes me wonder what's going on when I dream about someone out of the blue like that.
OK, so I woke up from that dream feeling actually pretty good. I think it might have something to do with my counseling appointment yesterday. I've been back from Sioux City for a couple of weeks now, with only sketchy plans to return in a couple of weeks, if at all. I know I'll be up in Sioux Falls for Lifelightfest over Labor Day weekend, but I don't know after that. As a result, I've been primarily subjected to my husband's inconsistencies and hostility. Yes, I've had classes and kid things to distract, but the feedback from him was beginning to wear me down again. The counselor yesterday reminded me that I connect with God in music. I gave her a copy of my blog to read last week and, although she didn't specifically comment on what I'd written, she did mention this aspect of who I am. It was something I really needed to hear - that I am a decent and lovable person and I need to start focusing on that. I've been feeling more and more tense around my husband when I could previously sleep with a clear conscience, knowing I was doing what I was supposed to do.
Nothing has changed in that except that I've been letting his attitude get to me. Why should I do that? I know that a lot of the things he says to me about who I am aren't true. It just gets tough to combat when there's nothing balancing out those words. I really do miss my friends. I also realized that I don't have a single friend with a similar personality type to my husband. I don't have to wonder why that is. I don't tend to gravitate towards people like him. He is vastly different than when I met him. He poured the alcohol down the sink and quit smoking when he found out I was pregnant the first time. Both admirable things to do in and of themselves. I'm glad he did that because I didn't want my kids raised around that. The only thing I've noticed is that he's also adopted the all-too-common "high horse" attitude about quitting. The snooty, "I can't staaand the smell of cigarette smoke" and "those people are so pathetic for using alcohol and smoking as a crutch for their emotional problems". I'm fine with quitting. I'm just not sold on the idea that it makes you better or stronger than someone else who chooses not to, or simply can't. The compassion is absent and I find it hurtful because it's not just about those two specific things.
It's about women getting pregnant outside of marriage. Hello?? Didn't we do that? (emphatic nod). It's about couples "shacking up" (a Dr. Laura term). Again - weren't we also guilty of that? We were guilty of all of the classic mistakes. It doesn't make either of us bad people. It must means we made some poor choices. Choices we've definitely experienced consequences for. I think that in most cases, the consequences are enough. People who make those poor choices don't need someone lecturing them and hammering in a point they're already living with. Instead, it would be nice for people to come alongside them and help them deal. I did have a couple of women in my life who showed me some of the finer points of motherhood that I'd never had an example for before. Without them, I'd be a mess and so would my kids. I could've used more help and support - especially in areas of social graces and filtering the things I think so they don't all come out of my mouth. It took me a long time to learn that and I'm still working on it.
The point is, what is the benefit of being so damned judgemental all of the time? Especially when you're pointing the finger at someone who's just like you were? I know the mistakes I've made and I'm not about to deny them. Trying to change history in my mind is just going to rob me of the lessons I've learned along the way and make me think I'm better than everyone else. I know that's not the case. I don't have to allow the circumstances I grew up with continue to define who I am, but I don't have to cast them aside and deny them either! What the counselor said yesterday about how I have good things happening in my heart and in my life is exactly what I needed to hear. She told me she thinks I'm shutting them off when I'm around my husband because it hurts too much to reconcile those things with the way he treats me. She's right. I shouldn't have to do that. She told me it's OK to allow those things to grow and flourish, regardless of the circumstances. She went further to say that his reception of those things, whether good or bad, isn't my burden to bear. He'll decide how he's going to react and his decision has little to do with who I am, so I won't need to take it personal. That was a huge weight off my shoulders.
Barnabus (2007-07-27)
I too quit smoking, from 2 cartons a week..and like hubby I can't bear the smell of cig smoke, it makes it extremely hard to breathe for about 5 minute.
Just imagine, when your hubby has a finger pointing at you...he's got 3 pointing back at himself!! For orneryness you might tell him sometime Judge not and you shall not be judged" That aught to get a great reaction! hehe
One Tough Cookie (2007-07-27)
Good for you!!!
I dreamt last night too of my best friend in highschool. I dont know why i'm thinking about him so much. I guess I miss him. Who knows.
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