[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!New Church
2007-07-23
We went to church yesterday. In some respects, it was difficult. I had to go through the dreaded introductions as "the wife". I can deal with that, I suppose. The music was better than our church in Sioux City, but the music isn't what it's all about. I can't believe I just said that, but it's true. The associate pastor preached yesterday because the senior pastor is on vacation. He did a good job, but I had a hard time relating to what he was saying. I was listening carefully and really trying. Maybe I just had too much going through my mind. The whole time, I was worried about what kind of impression I was making and that's not a normal thing for me. I don't want to go to a place where I feel like I'm under the microscope. The people were nice, but it all seemed so superficial. I think I just miss my friends and the sense of familiarity.
We went to a barbecue at the house of one of my husband's former coworkers from Sioux City. They moved here 3 years ago and seem to be doing well. It was strange because he never used to socialize with his coworkers. She told me she'd met me once after my daughter was born, but I don't remember it. I felt bad for that. We had a decent time, though. Their kids got along well with ours and we were able to make small talk. I don't know if I could picture us spending a lot of time with them, but it was a good way to spend the afternoon, It's difficult to make "couple" friends when we aren't much of a couple right now. When our private conversations are largely stilted and filled with miscommunication. Maybe it'll get better.
I spent the rest of the afternoon working on homework, went to pick up printer cartridges, then took my daughter to VBS at the "new" church. I don't know how long we'll end up attending there, but they're doing the same theme for VBS that we just finished with and my daughter was excited to go. She knew all of the songs and motions for them and I got to just sit there and watch her instead of worrying about preparing for classes. It was a lot of fun. When the group separated into their respective classes, I took the time to work on math. We're working on fractions right now and, although I understand them, I needed to spend more time practicing how to work the problems. It's been a long time and it takes awhile to get where I can do them without having to carefully consider each step of the process. At one point, the associate pastor sat down and talked with me for a few minutes.
Apparently he's aware of our problems because my husband has filled him in. Even in the short amount of time we've been here, the word is spreading and I have no control over it. How many people does he need to tell in order to feel like he's getting the help he needs? Honestly?? OK, so I guess this guy is going to mentor him. I'm supposed to fill out some stupid personality profile so he can get a better idea of what kind of person I am. Why in the hell doesn't anybody just talk to me and, perhaps, listen to me? OK, that was my tirade. Anyway, he asked me what I was working on, so I told him. He also asked how long I'd been in school. Two weeks. He said, "Good for you. That means it's still new and fun."
What I wanted to say was, you're not catching me at my best right now because I just found out that my husband has been confiding in you, though I don't really know how much he's said and that pisses me off. In addition, you don't know a thing about me. If you did, you'd realize that school is going to be fabulous for me. It's a great thing to go to a place where the expectations are clearly outlined. Where I'll get clear feedback on my performance and it's something I know I can do, so maybe it'll be mostly positive feedback. Like most men, I'd guess he doesn't have a clue what it takes for women to stay home and raise kids in the world we're living in. How much personal strength and conviction it takes when you know a lot of people determine a person's contribution to society by what kind of job they do. Not only that, but what I've done with my kids can't always be measured in the here and now. It will be years before it's clear whether or not I've done a good job with them. Even that won't necessarily be an indicator because they have minds of their own. Who knows how much of what they choose is based on what I taught or based on them doing stuff they know they shouldn't?
So, will the novelty of school wear off for me? Maybe, but maybe not. It's not that he was being unkind. It's just that I still can't determine a man's motives for sitting down and talking to me. It has to do with that damned personality profile, too. I don't want to have a neat little label slapped on me and be filed away under "introvert" or "extrovert". I don't want to be defined by whether I'm a concrete vs abstract person. Those questions are subject to a person's mood at the time they take them and I'm just not in a very good mood right now. I'll shake it off. I'll make the hard choices, but I don't really need anyone else offering their input. Dealing with the counselor is hard - especially when she tells me things I don't want to hear. I'll take them into consideration and still do the right thing, even if it's painful. I won't take everything she says as gospel. I will still think for myself because, in the end, I'm the one who has to live my own life.
Barnabus (2007-07-23)
Perhaps you can go on the assumption that only good things were ever said about you, thus if bad things were said, so live that no one will believe them! (Old Adage)
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