[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!So Far This Morning
2007-06-28
I got my financial aid meeting out of the way for school. I'm going to start in July - in less than two weeks. It's hard to believe, but this is really happening! I'm glad it's come together so fast - no time to reconsider or back out. Maybe now I'll have something else to focus my mind and energy on.
In other news, my husband and I have a counseling appointment for tomorrow afternoon and the thought of it makes me want to throw up. I didn't think we would be going until mid-July, but he pushed the issue and managed to get in with someone sooner. I know we need some serious help, but the person he signed us up with is a woman and I have mixed emotions about the whole thing. For me, it might be a good thing. If she's had experience in what we're dealing with, I'd have a qualified female and Biblical perspective on the situation and she might be able to help me in areas where the pastor couldn't. It might also give my husband peace of mind if I end up talking with her one-on-one. On the other hand, my husband hasn't been particularly receptive to taking advice from anyone, but especially from women. There's not a whole lot I can do about that except pray.
My anxiety comes from a whole other place as well. The mere concept of counseling brings back a flood of memories of my time spent with the Bishop. It scratches at a wound in me that's already so raw and painful. The thought of telling the story again is overwhelming. Talking starts the thinking and that takes me right back to the place I don't want to go because it's so hard to escape. The place of remembering, which I do with great clarity, all of the things the Bishop and I did together. I'm fervently trying to take from the experience the good things and let all the rest recede into the background. I just don't know if I have the strength to do that.
I still miss him so much! His tenderness, consideration, passion, and all the laughter he brought into my life. I went for a walk with my husband the other night and it was all I could do to hold my composure. I tried to be there in the moment, but my thoughts kept going back to all of the walking I did with the Bishop. Holding hands with him, talking, stopping occasionally to kiss. Just putting on my tennis shoes was rough and that's crazy! A memory of a time the Bishop helped me into my shoes and tied them for me - an inexplicably tender moment in a gesture so simple that it brings tears to my eyes even now.
I don't want to think about what I'm missing. I don't want to run the comparisons in my head. How the Bishop would've given me the coat off his back to make sure I was warm enough. How he heard my need for reassurance and kissed me so hard I feel it even now. How he taught me with everything he did that men are capable of the kind of love I desire and that he thought I was worth loving that way. Our time together was short, but so very intense. We made the most of every single moment we spent together and every conversation we had. I was fully tuned into him and maybe that's why the memories are so plentiful and so clear. I've never been quite so focused as I was with him. The memories take such a toll. They make me think that I'll never feel that way again. That maybe that's the price I'm going to pay for what I've done.
I want to believe I can live a meaningful life. I have so much to give, so much to offer. I'm just stuck. I can't seem to make my husband understand that the more he runs me down and lashes out at me, the harder it is for me to offer him anything good. Instead, the best I can do right now is nothing. That may not sound terribly generous, but it beats rehashing all of the ugliness in our relationship. We had a horrible conversation late last night and what it boiled down to is he still thinks he's the victim here. He said that he never asked for things to be the way they are between us. That he never did anything to put himself in this position and he doesn't deserve the consequences for my actions.
How do I sort that out? OK, I did something terribly wrong. That's true. It wasn't something that came out of nowhere, though. The way we're dealing with each other right now isn't the same as it's always been because I'm choosing different things. His behavior is much the same, but my thoughts are completely different. I know that doesn't count for anything because he can't read my mind, but if I were reacting the same as I did before, I wouldn't be here. I'd have taken all I could take and I'd be gone. He tells me he can't control what comes out of his mouth. That his words are spoken out of frustration. I'm frustrated and hurt and lonely and so many other things, but I have a responsibility to control what falls out of my mouth. Even if my thoughts and emotions aren't rational, my words should be.
Let's face it - I'd love to throw a tantrum of epic proportion and say everything that's been building in me for years, but what would that solve? I'd much rather let it go bit by bit and piece by piece. I'd rather come to a place where I feel nothing because at least I wouldn't be harboring all of that bitterness, anger, and resentment. Maybe without all of it coloring my vision of him, I could see him with fresh eyes, untainted by what's gone on in the past. I try to explain this to him. That if he could just be patient, silent, and consistent for a time (more than 24 hours), I might actually be able to find a way to love him in a way I never did before.
It takes time, though. I respond very well to what I've described. I just haven't been given the opportunity to do that with him. It's all so life or death with him. We can't have a simple interaction without the security of the free world hanging in the balance. I can't take that kind of pressure. I've tried to explain that, too. The more pressure I feel, the more I tend to withdraw. Especially with all of the nasty comments that slip out of his mouth. Comments he's not even aware he's making. Sometimes he catches himself and apologizes, but most of the time they just come out without thought. When that happens, I try to consider the circumstances and let them go, but they hang in the air and resonate long after the moment has passed. I can't help but think about what he says and wonder.
What I wonder is, are those comments that he lets slip without thinking the true indication of how he feels about me? Is it frustration, or is it honesty? Those comments taken alone could just be chalked up to a tough day, but when I consider the frequency and then string them all together, they paint a pretty ugly picture of me. That's what I see reflected in his eyes. When I believe that's what he thinks of me, then it's hard for me to believe the rest of his words because they're in such sharp contrast. When you love someone, you're supposed to be patient, kind, loyal, gentle, believe the best, seek the truth, hope all things, believe all things, and endure all things. If a person compares what they feel to that standard and it comes up short, then it isn't really love and there's work to be done.
I don't feel those things for my husband right now, but I'm trying to make choices that demonstrate them and hope that the emotions catch up with the choices. I'm not even sure I believe it's possible in my heart, but that's what God says and that's what I have to do. It stops being about how I feel and starts being about how I live out my faith. When I think of it in those terms, I feel strength. When I spend time away from my husband and consider what God says, then I feel like there's hope. When I come face-to-face with him again and begin dealing with him, I try to be consistent and do what I believe, but the feeling of hope quickly fades. That also leads me to wonder. Should I be away from him for a longer period of time with the intention of gaining strength so I can come back with a renewed sense of purpous? That might work if he were on the same page. If he were working just as hard at focusing on his relationship with God and trusting that what God says is true.
I don't really understand how all of this is working. I don't understand why it seems so clear for me and I have such a confidence that I'm on the right track, yet it seems the absolute opposite for my husband. I don't understand where this rational side in me is coming from when I've always been the one to follow my heart. Am I deceived right now? Am I crazy for thinking things could ever work between us? Am I stark raving mad for taking God at His Word? And all of this before lunch!
Mary Mary Quite Contrary (2007-06-28)
Just rememeber, that God is with you, and will help you if you let Him, and that prayer is not 'the only thing' we can do, it is the best thing that we can do. Pray for His will, as He knows what our future is and what is best for us, even when we can't see it. - and He will guide you through it all.
My prayers are with you too.
crazylady (2007-06-28)
Elvenbeads seems to be on the right track, I feel for what your going through. I was told though if a man was willing to go to counciling then there is a chance that your marriage will work, but you both have to want it.
Going to a women could be to your advantage, she may understand what youre going through she may also help him to understand what he needs to do to make this relationship continue and prosper, but then again if either of you don't have an open mind and communicate from your heart and feelings then it will be just a waste.
You have to want to do it.
Good luck, my prayers are with you both to help you determine what each of you wants. What do you want?
Barnabus (2007-06-28)
I didn't read your whole blog yet, but seems to me you wouldn't have to bring Bishp into it, Is it not possible to stay with just the problems in the marriage..in the here and now...without digging up the old? Just a thought1
Elvenbeads (2007-06-28)
I so know what you are going through right now. Not the religion aspect, not really how it fits into your life that way. But the way you love and love passionately, love hard.. for another. This i understand too well. I know exactly what pain you are going through. I wish i had advice to pass along but i dont, other than to say that you are not alone... if that helps at all. "In Perfect Love and In Perfect Trust", are the tenets of Polyamory and of the Goddess, she who understands that we cannot always control who we fall in love with and sometimes love is meant to be shared. ~Blessed Be
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