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Fed Up, But Trying

2007-06-19

I'm not a saint.  I'm a wreck half the time.  Today, I'm completely nonfunctional.  I'm tired of being a single mom with a husband.  I'm tired of working like a dog at home from sun up to sun down.  I'm tired of coming in last and then getting dumped on because I speak up for myself.  Yesterday took me back in time to 4 1/2 years ago.  That was just before my husband lost his job in South Sioux.  Our daughter was just under a year old and I don't think I slept much that whole time.  The first 4 1/2 months, I pumped every 3 hours and fed her every 2 because she was so tiny and she needed the breastmilk, but wasn't developed enough to figure out how to nurse on her own.  I did everything for her and for my son.  I attended every school function, made every costume, planned every birthday party, activity, play date, and took the kids everywhere.  They've been to the zoo, to farms, to the park, and pretty much every other place you can imagine.  I played with them, talked to them, cared for them, and poured my heart and soul into them. 

I tried to do that for my husband, but he took it all for granted.  He'd help anyone who said they needed it, but wouldn't even change a diaper at home unless he had to.  The more he helped other people and the more time he spent on the computer or at work or bowling on a league or volunteering at church, the more slack I had to pick up at home until I was doing almost all of it.  He made it seem like that's what a stay-at-home mom does.  I was happy to do all of the stuff for the kids, but the resentment was building for all of the things I was expected to do for him and all the times I came in dead last.  Yesterday was just like that.  He went off to help a single mom put up a basketball hoop.  Yes, it was a nice thing to do.  Yes, I would've encouraged it if I'd even been considered.  But I wasn't.  We have a list of things a mile long that need to be done around here just to get the place liveable. 

I want the kids to be able to eat in the dining room, but there were packed boxes of stuff piled in there of things that belong in the living room.  Things that couldn't get put away until the painting was done.  Painting my mom drove over 3 hours to come help me do, but my husband wouldn't lift a finger to help with because his back hurt.  My back hurt too, but I got it done yesterday while trying to corral my 5-yr-old daughter.  While he was off helping someone else.  I don't have any friends to call here.  I don't have any help whatsoever and all I want is to be able to eat at the dining room table and have a living room I can walk through without getting another bruise from running into the corner of a box. 

Today, my daughter found a toilet brush in one of the opened, but not yet unpacked boxes in one of the bathrooms.  Yet another thing I haven't been quite able to get at because I'm too busy trying to keep up with the laundry, dishes, grocery shopping, cooking, painting, unpacking, and taking care of the kids.  Kids who resent me asking them to do the smallest chore and do it half-assed, if at all because that's the example they're being shown.  My husband, the big hero, put up two towel rings yesterday after the work he did for the other person.  He put them in the wrong place and then expected me to be grateful because he did it at all.  I'm not supposed to say they're in the wrong place because I'm supposed to just accept whatever he does and not show the slightest sign of rejection.

Then, last night he asks if he can take vacation time in August to go to a conference where he'd be a volunteer "just helping out" for a software company.  His boss at work told him the company wouldn't pay for the trip or give him the time off because it's not job-related.  She told him she'd let him go this year since he already comitted himself to helping, but she didn't want him to go and wouldn't allow it for next year.  The software company will pay for his trip, but he has to use the vacation time if he expects a paycheck for the week he'll be gone.  To me, the decision is pretty cut-and-dried.  The trip isn't work-related, he got himself into trouble at a presentation during the last trip he took because he didn't clear the presentation with his boss before he gave it, his boss told him not to go, and he'd be going to Las Vegas - the same place he went last year when he ended up going to a strip club and paying for a lap dance.  That would have been around the time I was begging him to go to marriage counseling with me.  Just before I had an affair.  The trip this year would be unethical because it would be going against what his boss told him.  It would likely end in disaster because of where our marriage is right now.  If I say no, then I'm the one who wouldn't let him have his way.  I shouldn't even have a say or be able to talk about ethics because of what I've done. 

I can't justify what I've done.  It was wrong.  I can and will say that a man's responsibility is to put God first, then his wife & family, then look around to see where he can serve.  My husband hasn't put me before other people.  He does nice things for others, but it generally ends up adding to my burden.  The more slack I take up, the more that's expected of me.  I'm an extremely organized and capable woman.  I can carry a pretty heavy load.  I love my children and I want the best for them.  I'm not a martyr.  I do what I do because it needs to be done, because I want to see my children happy and well cared for, because I'm capable of doing it, and because what doesn't kill you makes you stronger.  I just want to say something about it.

If a man renders himself unnecessary by choosing to allow his wife to shoulder more and more of the burden, should he really be surprised when she wakes up one day and realizes she's doing the work of two people despite the fact that she has a husband who's supposed to be her helpmate?  When he accuses her of laying a guilt trip on him when she tries to talk to him about it, should he be surprised when she withdraws and doesn't bother wasting her words on him?  When he's dumped the load on her to the point where all her physical and emotional energy is being exhausted each day and she doesn't get much in the way of positive feedback or attention, should he really be surprised when she doesn't have anything left to give him?

All of that having been said, I'm going to go and scrub out the bathroom that has been doused in toilet water thanks to my little doll who went in there to go potty and wash hands.  Yep, that's all the time it took for her to decimate the room.  Then, I'm going to finish rearranging the living room so that all of the paint chips can finally be vacuumed up and I can call it safe and comfortable.  Then, I'm going to rearrange the dining room so we can eat at the table.  I'll unpack a bunch more boxes, but not the ones with the family pictures in them.  I don't think I can face them right now.  All of this is going to happen after I stop sobbing so that my poor 13-yr-old son (who's worried enough at my reaction to the bathroom mess that he's downstairs finally doing the vacuuming I asked him about 20 times this morning to do) won't freak out and be scarred for life.  And I'll have to take some time with both kids doing something good so that it isn't another "all work and no play" sort of days the way it has been.

God will give me strength to get through this.  I won't complain any more about it today.  I'm physically strong and capable and this is a whole lot better than women in third world countries have it.  I'll work on being more grateful.  I will focus on whatever is true, right, noble, pure, lovely, admirable, praiseworthy, and excellent.  I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.  I will hold me head up high and do everything to the glory of the Lord.  My outburst is over and I'm gonna be just fine.

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Vick (2007-06-21)
This was me as well a few years ago too. It is time for action.

crazylady (2007-06-20)
I hear you girl, I too feel the same way. I am sorry for what you have to deal with right now. I have basically given up, not on life but on my relationship. I too carry the burden around the house, I get the kid to work, I pack his lunch, feed the cats, feed the baby cats, scoop their boxes, make sure they have water etc, make my lunch, shower and then go to work. I work from noon till nine, unloading semi trucks of product, placing product on the shelves, basically store merchandising. Once my shift is over, I go home to dishes, try to get my cats in from outside into the garage, make sure they have food and water, then feed my baby kittens, scoop my boxes again and by the time I do all that it is usually midnight or one, then my day starts again. Oh, I forgot to mention, I also keep track of the bills, the laundry, the grocery shoping and the house cleaning. Do I get help, hell no, but like you said it makes you strong. I think if it wasn't for us women men would be lost. Hang in there girl and you can voice your frustrations anytime.

Witqueen (2007-06-19)
Sigh..any chance of you changing the locks when he's in Vegas? Oopsie. Sorry dear. Its odd that it isn't just you he doesn't respect, it's any female authority figure. I have to wonder how he treated his mother.

Mary Mary Quite Contrary (2007-06-19)
I'm sorry to hear that things aren't better in your new place. You and your family are in my prayers

Doe (2007-06-19)
I could have written this same post a few years ago. It makes my skin crawl just reading it. I know the pain, the feeling of being the enemy instead of the person he is supposed to love the most. It breaks my heart for you and for me and for anyone else who ever feels that way. Your last paragraph is true but, why should you have to suffer? I don't think you should. All I can say is I'm sorry and I wish I could do something to help. Something that would make a positive difference. I wish nothing but happiness for you and your children. May God bless you in ways you haven't even considered yet. With love and prayers... Doe

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