[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Response To Stargazer
2007-06-13
The depth of your dreams, the height of your wishes
The length of your vision to see, the hope of your heart
Is much bigger than this
For it's made out of what might be
Now picture your hope, your heart's desire -
As a castle that you must keep
In all of its splendor, it's drafty and lonely
This heart is too hard to heat
Chorus:
When I get lonely ah, that's only a sign
Some room is empty, and that room is there by design
If I feel hollow - that's just my proof that there's more
For me to follow - that's what the lonely is for
Is it a blessing or a curse this palace of promise
When the empty chill makes you weep
With only the thin fire of romance to warm you
These halls are too tall and deep
Chorus
But, you can seal up the pain, build walls in the hallways
Close off a small room to live in
But those walls will remain, and keep you there always
And you'll never know why you were given... why you were given the lonely
Ah, it's only a sign
Some room is empty
That room is there by design
If I feel hollow that's just my proof that there's more
For me to follow - that's what the lonely is for
These are also not my words, but sung a capella by a group called Glad, they're beautiful. I could use some beauty in my life. I woke up just now from a dream about the Bishop. I haven't seen him in almost 3 months and I can still dream up a crystal clear image of him, complete with his voice, which I still miss so much. I haven't been dwelling on that too much lately - just when I'm driving back from Sioux City and I pray again and again to surrender him and all he means to God.
Instead, what I've been spending my time doing is developing an ulcer. I'm so tired of fighting with my husband. I'm just tired in general. I've been working like a dog trying to get this place even moderately presentable. Whoever painted it before did so on bare sheetrock instead of sealing it and the paint is coming off in sheets. That means I have to scrape it all off first and seal it before I can get rid of the nasty colors. It seems like a lot of work for a rental - for a place I'll probably never call home, but I don't care. I need to have something physical to do that produces tangible results so I don't feel as worthless as it's been implied I am.
I hate my life right now. My husband is basically the only one here that I know, so he's the only one giving me regular feedback. What he tells me about myself makes me think I'm only good for one thing. He told me my tattoos are abhorrent and disfiguring. That he has to look past them in order to love me. I think they're beautiful and symbolic of the unique person I am. They're outward expressions of what's inside me. If he has to look past them to love me, then he must be overlooking an awful lot of the core of my personality in order to find anything to love. That doesn't leave much. His words lead me to believe he does want someone shallow who will listen to him unquestioningly and look on him in adoration. I don't do that, so I'm a failure and a defect.
I don't think that's really true, but he's taking me right back to the place I was before - planting those seeds of doubt within me to the point where I question my worth. I felt it happening last night. I showered, put on something nice, and took the kids out to the mall. That doesn't sound extravagant, but I've been getting up in the morning and throwing on the nearest thing in order to get started unpacking and working on the walls. I've been completely disinterested in my appearance and pretty quiet for the most part. So, we ate dinner, walked around a little, tried to find a car charger for my son's phone, then he went to Game Stop while my daughter and I wandered for awhile. We ended up in a toy/game store, so we went and retrieved my son because I thought he'd really like the place. He did and we had a great time talking to the guys working there. They were definitely in their element, demonstrating the game and acting like goofs. We had such a good time that they printed me off a job application and wrote a recommendation on the top for me. After I left, I felt pretty good, but then that doubt creeped in again. They thought I was cool, but they only spent a short time with me. What if they spend more time with me and realize their mistake?
Those thoughts are stupid. I was able to be myself for a little while and someone else enjoyed my company. The doubts come from my husband and all of the terrible things he says to me, all the while trying to convince me he loves me. Is that really love? Tearing a person down and making them feel like crap? I like who I am - not because I'm perfect. I know I'm a work in progress, but I think I have a pretty good sense of humor, I'm compassionate, usually considerate, and I have a lot of fun. When I think about the image I see reflected in my husband's eyes, I see failure. Failure to conform to whatever it is he wants. I see the embarassment when I say something off-color, when I wear something he thinks is too outrageous, when I show who I am. I do love God and I want to be a person who glorifies Him, but I don't think that requires me to change into some cookie-cutter person, stamped out to look/behave/speak exactly like every other Christian. There are guidelines, but there's room for me to be myself, too. Why else would God have made us all so different?
The past couple of days, I've been right back in that place I was when I started seeing the Bishop in a professional capacity. I'm remembering what attracted me to him in the first place, besides the way he looks and who he is. It was the way he made me feel worthwhile and the way I could be myself with him and not feel like a source of shame. His eyes shone when he looked at me and I was better for it because I wanted to be pleasing to him. Being pleasing to him also meant being pleasing to God, which was also what I wanted to be. I got side-tracked when I took my eyes off God and started looking only at the Bishop.
I don't want to relive the past. I don't want to feel the way I do now about my husband or myself. He doesn't understand that I can't possibly be attracted to him and it's a direct result of the way he speaks to me and the things he says. His compliments about what I do and how I look are meaningless because they say nothing about who I am. I don't think he could compliment me on who I am because I don't think he really likes me. Instead of admitting that and hoping and praying his heart will change (like I'm doing), he denies his thoughts and feelings, but they come out in his words and expressions.
For my part, I'm trying to find good things in him. I'll admit it's been difficult to let go of those words. To try to chalk them up to frustration and anger over all I've done, but I don't think that's ultimately the source. I think he's most passionate when he's tearing me down and, to me, that says those are more truthful than anything else. I don't know if this situation can change. I don't know if we can do much more than coexist at this point, and even that's a strain. The dream I just had tells me my heart is still with the Bishop, but that's not what's hindering me from making progress with my husband. I'm reminded by current circumstances that my interactions with my husband were what sucked the life and love out of me before I became involved with the Bishop. The time I was with him made life with my husband bearable. Now, I have a giant void in my life and it hurts worse because I know how good it can be between two people and I know for sure how far away I am from that.
I have an emptiness in me so vast and I want to believe God can fill it. I'm asking God to fill it. I'm just not doing so with confidence because part of that emptiness is shaped like a man I can never have. I miss him this morning just like I did when we were first found out. Maybe today in my wordless time scraping walls I can find my equilibrium again.
Mary Mary Quite Contrary (2007-06-13)
anotherPs. - the song you posted is beautiful!
Mary Mary Quite Contrary (2007-06-13)
That's not love - it's control-( from your husband).
Why did you all move anyways? (maybe I missed that post?)
Remember God loves you unconditionally!
*Ps. - try this paint called "Kilz" ( I think that's how you spell it), it is like a primer, but will cover anything! My folks used it to paint over their dark wood kitchen cabinets, and paneling. You might have to do two coats, depending on what you are covering, but it works like a charm!
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