[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Faults
2007-06-03
If I made a list of everything I thought was wrong with me, I'd have a pretty long list. I'm OK with that - I still see myself as a work in progress. If I made a list of everything I think is right with myself, I'd have listed all the things my husband thinks are wrong with me. I know this because he spent a considerable amount of time picking me apart layer by layer. All this because I asked that, if I get a whole bunch of unpacking done in the next couple of days, could I possibly go back to Sioux City for a couple of days with the kids and help get things ready for Vacation Bible School (which I will be returning to teach in July)? The answer, "I don't want you to go, but if you want to go, then you'll go." The conversation deteriorated from there as he proceeded to share with me all of the ways I'm selfish and hurtful. If I relied on my self esteem to get me through the tough spots, I would've slit my wrists tonight.
How much of this does a person have to take before it's OK to call it quits? All of it, I guess. All through the conversation, I was wondering how he can claim to love me when he has to overlook all of the things I think are best about me in order to find something to love. For my part, I'm admittedly having a hard time with the love aspect of our relationship. If we could have a few days of adult conversations that don't involve tearing me down, I might be able to muster up a positive emotion/thought. I read the Bible and feel convicted about the sin in my life. When I start to think about how other people should be reading the stuff and feeling convicted, I realize I'm comparing myself to others instead of to God's standard, so I pray for forgiveness and re-focus. When my husband reads the Bible, he reads about what he should be experiencing in his life, realizes that he's missing out, and naturally shifts the blame to me. This is something he's told me. He can quote chapter and verse in reference to every area I've failed him and I'm helpless to offer any defense. All I can say is that I'm reading too, feeling convicted, and trying to allow God to take control and make changes for the better.
I feel like I'm trapped in some twisted version of the movie "Groundhog Day". The same conversation keeps playing over and over about how I'm so awful, yet he loves me and wants to be married to me. He prays every night for my heart and mind to be healed - for me to turn back to God and be obedient. I've written about my darkest thoughts and how much of a struggle it's been for me to stay on the right path and keep my eyes on the prize instead of looking back at what was. I'm trying to find my place in this world, trying to remember that I'm doing the right thing, trying to hold on to the will to do the right thing. I'm not mentally ill. A little depressed perhaps, but still of relatively sound mind. My heart is broken both by the Bishop and by my husband, but I'm hanging on to God's love. I still believe in love, despite everything that's happened. Why isn't any of that good enough? I'm tired of not measuring up. I'm just tired of playing out the same conversation. It doesn't matter how it starts, it always ends up in the same place. I think I'm going to be sick.
piper (2007-06-04)
I wouldn't want to be a party to causing a divorce, but why should you live as though he was a Muslim?...you have a lot of life ahead of you...live in misery or live happy...your choice***
Doe (2007-06-04)
God wants us to be happy....
piper (2007-06-04)
Vick sums it up nicely!
Vick (2007-06-04)
It took me 18 years before I called it quits. The respect you have for each other is gone....you would not have " strayed " if your husband would have treated you loving, compassionate and had respect for you. What you did was not right, but....God has forgiven you.
Get out of this horribly mentaly abusive marriage. Life is way to short to put up with what tou are dealing with. I figured out that if I was going to be miserable that I'd rather be miserable alone.
You count for something in this life and we are all entitled to F@ck up at least once, maybe twice.
[ Back to top ]
Created with ShoutPost
