[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Die, Habits, Die
2007-05-29
Why did I do stupid stuff today? Because I'm hurting. When I was hurting before, the Bishop comforted me. He's still the first one I think of when I imagine safety and security. He's not in my life anymore and I don't have that physical representation of comfort anymore. Now, when I feel like I need it most, there's nobody. Not entirely true - God's still with me, but the human element is missing. Waking up day after day to the Bishop's absence is really pulling me down. I don't mean to think about him so much. All of the changes taking place in my life have me unsettled to the point where I just want something familiar - someone familiar. It's maddening. Sometimes I want to just tilt my head and tap on it to see if those thoughts could come tumbling out. I'm really lonely tonight.
I'm sure my husband is feeling the same way, but we can't seem to connect. He's snippy and rude to me all day and then apologizes at night because he wants to have sex. I'm glad he's starting to see how his words affect me, but a full day of digs doesn't exactly put me in an amorous mood. I've tried to let the remarks go - to just let them roll off my back, but they start to build up and I feel like I'm wading through garbage whenever I'm around him. What a dreadful thing it is to provoke such bitterness in a person who tells me he loves me. Is this love?
In the end, it still doesn't matter how he behaves towards me. I've heard time and time again that I have to be obedient to God. Still trying. Still failing. Still surrendering every day. Sometimes I have to raise several white flags throughout the day. And still the thoughts are stuck in my head, no matter how vigorously I shake it. I'm trying to learn a new way of thinking. Apparently when it comes to learning the lessons of the heart, I'm on the short bus. I just want to love and be loved. I miss the love I received. I miss putting my energy into giving that love and knowing it's appreciated. Why is it so hard to do the right thing?
Doe (2007-05-30)
Today is moving day...right?
Good Luck with everything.
piper (2007-05-30)
bummer...'taint fair
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