[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Love & Lies
2007-05-26
Bishop-
I love you. I'm always going to love you. That was never the lie. The lie was in action. That I should act on it or allow you to act on it. The lie was believing the love I felt couldn't be transformed into something right. I should've waited. I should've lived out my faith. The love can be transformed - has to be transformed or I'll go crazy thinking about it. I rememeber what you told me. Do you?
You told me that it was mostly physical when you touched me the first time. You knew our relationship was changing even while it was happening. That the feelings and thoughts you were experiencing were moving you closer to me in a way you shouldn't be. You also told me you loved me. That you'd always love me. If that isn't true, then neither is anything else you told me. Things like God can perform miracles in the lives of His children. I am a child of God. Do I believe He can perform a miracle in my life? Yes. Yes because I believe in unconditional love for the first time in my life.
I thought I needed to talk to you or see you one last time. It would be fantastic, but I'm not so sure it's necessary anymore. I know how I feel about you. I know I never lied to you. That what I told you was the absolute truth when I said it and is still true as I'm typing this - a letter you'll never read, but even that doesn't matter. I've never claimed to be anything other than what I was. Lots of people have tried to convince me that you used me for your own sexual gratification and as an ego trip. A man who's in his 60's has only one use for a woman in her 30's. Yes, I am a woman - not a vulnerable little girl who trusted someone I shouldn't have. Not some innocent who can't wrap her mind around the fact that she was used. I gave you every reason to love me and I believe I'm a loveable person. The choices I've made haven't been lovely, but that doesn't mean I'm unloveable. I have plenty more going for me than just the female equipment I was born with.
I've thought it through and I realized something - something important to me. When your sex life with your wife resumed, you had no further use for me (if I'm to believe what I've been told). So, why did you keep calling me? Why were you still thinking about me and wanting to be with me and, in your own words, "loving me"? It wasn't just for sex. We didn't do that all of the time - not even when we were involved before we were discovered. Talking to me all those hours, confiding in me, allowing me to confide in you and really listening to what I had to say - it seems like an awful lot of effort just to get me in bed and keep me in bed - especially when we didn't always feel compelled to make love. Especially when you shared with me how much it meant to you to know I loved you no matter how we spent our time together.
That's right, I said "make love". That's what it was for me and I'll never go back on that. Even if you came to me today and told me it was all a lie for you, it still wouldn't have been a lie for me. I remember it all. Exploring the depth of your soul all the time we were touching. Gazing into one another's eyes for all those hours. The time I spent knitting you that scarf - every stitch represented the way I felt about you. The thought I put into choosing the colors, designing the pattern, learning something new just to show you that I thought you were worth the effort and so much more.
We will never know what our relationship might've been under different circumstances, but know this: I would've done anything to brighten your day and enrich your life. In the absence of that opportunity, I've done everything I said I would. I've loved you enough to let you go. I've stayed away from the trap of finding another man to fill the void you've left in my life. I've stayed true to what I believe, even when it hurt. It has hurt like no pain I've ever felt before. But then, the love was that way, too. The love I still feel. It was all true and I just wanted to express that.
-Dulcinea
Witqueen (2007-05-27)
I think, though he remained with his wife, he enjoyed the intimacy he found with you. It wasn't about the sex, it was about connecting with someone new, someone who saw something that he hadn't felt in a long time. That is harder to give up, and while sex is a biological release and easy to achieve with another human, an emotional attachment, is more addictive. Especially since what you found in him, was a reminder of a long ago memory, revived by your emotions. What man wouldn't want to know that a woman, 30 years younger still saw him as a virile man? It's true that familiarity breeds contempt, and its probably been years that he heard one kind word or shared anything with his wife. My guess is, when he listened to you, he found a kindred spirit, sharing the pain you were feeling in your own marriage, and empathized, and gave you what he could, and though the actions were wrong, the intention was heartfelt. Maybe you can find comfort in that.
Barnabus (2007-05-26)
He didn't lie to you...you would have seen through that! I wonder what kind of pain he has to go through to now remain faithful to his wife and his church...can't be easy!!!! Guess it's true that love bonds and binds, and breaking thos bonds can be hard when true, but not so hard when not based on absolute truth. Truth is Sacred!!
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