[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Uncensored
2007-05-25
Today was one of those gut-wrenching sobbing sort of days. It was my daughter's last day of preschool. I've spent a fair amount of time helping out at school, driving for field trips, and getting to know the teachers. She's been going there 2 years, so there's a certain sadness about knowing she's moving on. There's a whole lot more sadness for all of us because there are just some relationships between teachers and kids that end up being special. My daughter had that kind of relationship with her teachers and it's sad to think we'll have to keep in touch long distance. Sad, but it can be done. They both had me crying before I even left the parking lot.
I picked up my son at home and took the kids to have lunch with my friend Roxanne. She's been the hardest one to leave, by far. We've just shared so much that I can't imagine life without her. The tears are falling even now. I cried when we parted at lunch. My poor son is worried his mom is going crazy and doing everything he can to cheer me up. Some situations just require a good cry, so I took the kids home and went up on a hill overlooking part of the city and just sat by myself and sobbed. I cried for all of the people I'm leaving behind. I cried for all of the stuff that's gone on the past few months. I cried for no other reason than to release some of the pressure that's been building. I can't believe I'm moving in less than a week. Every time I feel like this, I wish I had someone to run to - someone to put their arms around me and tell me everything is going to be alright. Of course, the only one I really want that to be is the Bishop.
I've fought so hard against the thoughts and wishes and desires, but tonight I have to let some of it out. I still want to spend time with him. I want to hear his voice. I HATE this "no contact" rule. I hate it with everything in me right now. I know it's necessary, but I still hate it. I've been a good girl. I've done most of what I know I should and I've really tried to hand it over to God. Tonight, I'm just hurting. I want to talk to him one last time. Not just talk, though. I want his arms around me. I want to look in his eyes and kiss him like I mean it. I want to cling to him. I want to do it all over again with him.
On the flip side, I want him to be happy. I want good things. I just can't get past the pain tonight. It's not just one friend I have to say goodbye to. It's all of them. Everyone in my life who means something to me will now be too far away to make spur of the moment plans with. I hate this. I want him to comfort me. To tell me I'm strong enough to do this. To build me up when I feel like I'm collapsing. I know how selfish it sounds - how selfish it is. I know I can't have what I want. Is it so wrong to just cry about it every now and then? If I don't, I'm afraid I'll do something stupid and out of character. I wonder if he'd be as understanding as I was all those times he called me when he wanted to just hear my voice, even though he wasn't supposed to. I doubt it. Oh God it hurts tonight.
I'll get back to the place of peace. I just need to vent tonight. Vent before my head or my heart explodes.
Hardcore_Pyro (2007-05-25)
My heart is aching for you.
Barnabus (2007-05-25)
Have no doubt that he also has problems with it!! No relationship is one sided, I bet he has been hurting a lot too! He knows what he's missing. I believe there were times he wanted to say, " to hell with it, I'm calling her" but had to fight to stop!! I think the challenges of your new community will help you adapt, and things will work out really well for you. You are a strong woman and I know you will do OK. Can't you keep in contact with MSN chat? I do that a lot!! Set it up, and invite them!!
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