[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Letting Go (Again)
2007-05-19
I had a hard time getting to sleep last night. My husband was home. He called me on his way home to share some things that had made a difference in his thinking yesterday. His words were good, but I couldn't help being just a bit skeptical. I want what he tells me to be an indication of real change. I hope it is genuine enlightenment on his part, but the only thing I can do is wait for his actions to back up his words. I tried to share something with him, too, but he cut the conversation short without even responding or acknowledging what I said. I could choose to hold a grudge, or just let it go. I'm choosing to let it go. The primary focus is working on what I can change, not making myself heard. That doesn't mean I won't speak. Just that I won't expect too much in the way of a response. God's timing, not mine.
I woke up from a very vivid dream about the Bishop this morning. I dreamed that he called me and I could hear his voice crystal clear, asking me if we could meet again. I honestly don't believe that's going to happen, but thoughts of him were part of why I had trouble getting to sleep in the first place. I did some writing and it helped to sort out and let go. I actually had to pick up a pen and paper last night because my computer is in my bedroom and I couldn't take it out of the room without causing a lot of commotion. I didn't want to do that. All I wanted was some quiet time.
I don't know how much of the emotional turmoil right now is due to this impending move and how much is me perpetuating the problem with my own thoughts. The result is the same. Working hard to change the thought patterns before they suck me down into that whirlpool of dispair. I think I'm going to have to accept that it's going to be more difficult the next couple of weeks because moving places a finality on the situation that wasn't entirely there before. I hope this is all just part of the process of letting go and that it will pass. I am terrified of what comes next. Of how things are going to be when I'm away from my friends. Of what my heart is going to feel like when I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I'll never see the Bishop again. As much as I want to do the right thing now, I still feel the pulling of those emotions.
Today is going to be a good day. I'm going to take the kids to Starbucks while my husband is at church practicing with a singing group. I don't know why he's still practicing when we won't be here when they perform, but whatever. They're going to clear out of the house when he's done so I can work some more on organizing things. I'll be glad for the time alone. I can crank up the music, dance like an imbecile, and work without distraction!
piper (2007-05-19)
Hey, you're not a clod - you'll make a lot of new friends, and fast because you have his friends there for an entree
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