[Bishop's Fantasy?]
This is MY story and I'm sticking to it!Triumph Of The Human Spirit
2007-05-15
I'm sitting here joking about what kind of specialty geek I am while my life is falling apart. That's not an exaggeration - how I wish it were. My husband has taken to hanging up on me without saying goodbye or anything. We've talked all of 3 minutes today and that was a stretch. Not because I'm generally prone to being disagreeable. I don't know that he is either. At this point, I can't tell which one of us is setting the tone here. He called to talk to my son, who then handed the phone over to me. I don't know if we even would've talked at all if that hadn't happened. My head and my heart are at war.
Do you tell someone you love them if you don't mean it? We're commanded to love one another. Commanded because it doesn't come naturally. In theory, you shouldn't be able to love someone you don't know because there's nothing that ties you to that person. In practice, I think it's probably easier. I can love someone I've never met just by the descriptions of people on the blogs here. A person gets distilled down to their essence by someone who loves them and I can appreciate the qualities that inspired the love. There's no past conflict, no wrong decisions, no ugly interactions, and no unresolved anger to color my response. Even in my everyday life, I can tell people I love them and mean it in a sisterly way. A human way that recognizes other people's plights and their fierce will to overcome. To be better than they were, but not as good as they're going to be. I can find a redeeming quality in everyone because I believe it's there, even if it's well hidden.
So, what is wrong with me that I can't seem to do the same for my husband? I want to tell him I love him and mean it, but I really don't think I do right now. Do I lie about it? I keep hearing that love is a choice, but I don't know that I subscribe wholeheartedly to that. Some love is a conscious act of the will. Sometimes that's what it takes to get through the tough spots. I can accept that. But, is that the kind of love that should be between a husband and wife all of the time? The kind of grit your teeth and push ahead with dogged determination love because that's the only way it can be done? I believe I'm loveable. I've been loved, seen it for what it was, and accepted it. I'm not broken in that way, though my husband suggested it recently. If I'm not broken, then am I just blind to what's in front of me?
Is it love because he says it is? Or does it require some consistency in action to back up the words? I'm not talking about sex. I'm talking about holding the door because it's the gentlemanly thing to do. I'm talking about holding yourself to a higher standard because you believe the person in your life is worth the extra effort. I'm talking about doing those things until they become no effort at all. So that the person you're with can take those things for granted and not feel obligated or indebted. Shouldn't you be able to take some things in your life for granted? Not love, but certain small acts of love? Shouldn't you be able to say, "He does it for me because he loves me", and not to show to others how generous he is to go out of his way to hold the door for me?
I suppose I'm speaking as much to myself as anyone. I do plenty of little things that go unnoticed. I do them because they need to be done. Because I want them to get done. Because I genuinely want life to run smoothly for the people around me. I could make grand sweeping gestures to draw attention to the things I do, or make a list and post it to make sure I get thanked for every little thing on the list. That's not how I operate. I'm not trying to keep score. I'm just trying to be me, to live out my faith in my actions, to try to do better because I know better, to draw closer to God and learn what He has in store for me, and to give Him the glory. And maybe, just maybe enjoy life a little in there somewhere. So, I'll keep laughing about being a geek.
Hardcore_Pyro (2007-05-15)
You can't change how others think, feel or even exist. However you can control how it effects you.
Keep your chin up and enjoy life whether it's single or in a committed relationship.
That's what I think.......
[ Back to top ]
Created with ShoutPost
